2010 Seminar

Even though we’ve all been teenagers, we sometimes forget what it was like to maneuver through those years as we raise our own adolescents. As much as times have changed and technology greatly enhanced since the days when we were 15 years old, some things remain true for the gifted teens in our care. Things like this:

1. Gifted teens need more alone time than you think they do. We often think of the teen years as being filled with good times with good friends, lots of parties and noisy sleepovers, and endless conversations, in person or electronically. For many gifted teens, this is the case. But for many others, the chance to be alone with one’s thoughts, to mull over life’s mysteries in the quiet of their room, or to take a walk in the woods and lose track of time are just as elemental to them as breathing. Let your adolescent savor these necessary respites from the excesses of teenage social indulgence. Introspection is the heart and soul of many a gifted teen.

2. There’s a reason your gifted teen has older friends—or wants them. Water seeks its own level . . .and so does intellect. Gifted teens often find that they have more in common with other teens slightly older than themselves and thus, they seek out their company. Seldom is this harmful, and more often than not, it can actually help your teen mature in beneficial ways, as older youth will let the younger ones know when they are acting “like kids”. Social modeling is frequently a positive result when younger gifted teens spend time with their older counterparts.

3. Listening helps more than you think it does. As one able adolescent said to his mother who was “nagging” him: “A few words are better than a dissertation.” Listen to this young man’s advice, for it is right on target. The longer we talk and the louder we get, the less our teens will listen. If you have a request, state it in one sentence. If you need to talk about something important, “make a date” with your teen so you’re not just catching each other on the run. And above all else, listen twice as much as you talk.

4. “Moodiness doesn’t have a logical base.” Spoken by the mom of a highly gifted teen, this piece of homespun truth is one that parents must always remember. Your teen has the right to be moody, but when the moodiness starts affecting the rest of the family, it’s gone too far. Ask your son/daughter to H.A.L.T. when they are feeling especially foul. And, if they are (H)ungry, (A)ngry, (L)onely and/or (T)ired, ask that they take care of those needs before proceeding any further with their day. Not surprisingly, when they do, the moodiness often goes away.

5. A gifted teen’s greatest enemy is lack of sleep. When you have a mind that is always in overdrive, and when the technological world offers you 24/7/365 access to anyplace your brain wants to go, sleep is often not considered a priority for gifted adolescents. The resultant crankiness, listlessness and general “unattractiveness” of their attitudes are a direct result of this lack of shut-eye. Find methods of relaxation that work for your teens—yoga, deep breathing, a daily exercise routine, reading a boring book—in an effort to help them get the 8+ hours of sleep per night that is sadly lacking for most of them. Also, be a good role model for this—if you are constantly sleep-deprived, even if for very good ‘adult’ reasons, this sends a message to your teen—the wrong message.

6. Time management and organizational skills can’t be taught until they are needed. Many gifted teens who never had to study in their younger years discover that they don’t know how to study when they finally need those skills. And if managing time was never an issue—everything always got done, even if it was the last minute—than you can’t convince a teen on the benefits of setting timelines and priorities. That’s just how it is. When your teen finally reaches the point of frustration and seeks help (or needs it, from your perspective), the best person to teach these skills is often another teen who already has them mastered. Their advice might be the same as yours, but it will mean more coming from someone who, unlike you, is a creature of this millennium!

The good thing about the teenage years is that they can be filled with great conversations, forward-focused dreams, and lots of fun with a young adult who will soon realize (in ten years or so) just how brilliant his/her parents really are. Enjoy the ride!

2004 Seminar

Although parents of gifted children remain concerned about meeting their kids' intellectual, emotional and social needs throughout their lives, it's probably safe to say that as gifted children become teenagers, most parents loosen the strings of concern just a little bit. Hey, it's natural: as our children become young adults, we trust them to make some choices independently that, earlier, they needed our guidance to decide. We want that freedom for them; they need that freedom to enhance their full development.

Still, it is the errant parent who is not tethered to their gifted teen at least loosely throughout high school, and beyond. Although our kids may be loathe to admit it, they need us as much as they did in kindergarten; they simply need us in different ways.

For example, who better than a respectful and responsive mom or dad to help teens decipher their increasingly complex worlds? Whether the issue relates to "multipotential", which involves having so many talents and interests that choosing a college major and career focus becomes difficult, or the social tiptoeing one must do when everyone else in the class is 17 years old and you are 14, parents of gifted children have a part in helping their teens be fulfilled and successful.

I've listed below several strategies gleaned from parents of highly gifted kids as to how they addressed issues that arose at home, in school and with friends. Their collective experiences represent how we can help when are kids are gifted . . .and teenage, too.

• Accept that wanting to be perceived as "normal" is . . . normal! There are times in one's life when it's easy to be the "smart kid", and other times when that moniker is best downplayed. The middle school years may be a time when a child wants to be known for fitting in rather than sticking out, so don't overstress if your young teen seems to put the academic talents on hold temporarily. The vast majority of the time, this is a temporary port in the emotional sea of early adolesence. Once high school arrives, you'll recognize your gifted son or daughter once again.
  
  
• The greater the force, the stronger the resistance. OK . . .let's be honest: you cannot force a reluctant teenager to do anything, at least not for long. Whether it's to do more homework (or to not obsess about its completion); to begin to become more social (or to cut back on the dating circuit); or to start planning for one's college future (or to forget thinking of Harvard in 8th grade), teens have their own personal agendas, many of which tie into their newly found senses of power and independence. Punishments and contracts seldom work with gifted teenagers--coercion never does!--but honest discussions about the importance of balance in one's life is a great place to begin planting the seeds of personal responsibility. A weekly time with your teen--one-on-one for 20 minutes--may help you connect in ways that are purposeful and fun. Don't use the reason (excuse?) that neither of you has time for this--find the time. In the end, this weekly communication will bolster the parent-child relationship in meaningful ways.
  
  
• Allow natural consequences. OK . . . so your child didn't turn in homework for three weeks and is now frantically completing it two days before the semester ends. You could call the teachers or counselor and explain about the hectic pace of your teen's life that prevented on-time completion of work . . . but don't do it. This "rescue" ultimately hurts teens more than it helps, as it makes them dependent on you in ways that both you and they thought they'd outgrown. Instead, let this situation be a reminder of the importance of organization, scheduling and prioritizing. Natural consequences are remembered long after the relief of a parental "rescue" has subsided.
  
  
• Continue to be a parent. Even the brightest teens need guidance when it comes to issues they may not have addressed before. For example, if your kids are eligible to be grade skipped or to take college courses at 15 years old, don't let them be the only judges as to the appropriateness of this. Or, when it comes time to register for high school classes, discuss with your teens both the pros and cons of loading up on so many AP courses that they'll have little time left for anything but schoolwork. And, when it comes to all of those topics parents and teens are often uncomfortable to address honestly--sex and drugs, to name two--don't talk yourself into believing that "my smart kid will make the right decisions." Without your guidance, that's no more likely than it is for any other teenager. Don't assume that intellectual maturity guarantees good decision making in the heat of a social situation.

Are there secrets to raising gifted teenagers to become responsible adults? Sure there are. . . in fact, there are probably as many secrets as there are parents and teens! The real secret is no secret at all: open communication that is undergirded with a true respect for the individual your teenager is today, and the adults they are becoming all-too-soon.

Jim Delisle is a professor of education at Kent State University and a part-time teacher of gifted middle school students in Twinsburg, Ohio. His latest book (with Judy Galbraith) is When gifted kids don't have all the answers (Free Spirit Publishing).

This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.