Nelson, J.
2009
Davidson Institute for Talent Development
Tips for Parents by Jane Nelson from her seminar titled “Positive Discipline for Gifted Children” that ran February 2009.
We started the seminar by asking participants to make a list of the “gifts” (characteristics and life skills) they hope to help their children develop and a list of the “behavior challenges” they experience. The purpose of these two lists is to serve as a road map.
- How do your discipline methods help your children develop the “gifts” you want for them?
- Notice that every behavior challenge offers an opportunity to use Positive Discipline strategies that help children develop the skills you want for them.
Examples:
Sibling Rivalry provides opportunities to teach problem-solving skills and family meetings where everyone brainstorms for solutions to problems, and the importance of not taking sides—that only increases competition.
Disorganization provides an opportunity to teach routine charts—and to find our how empowering it is to use the strategy of having faith in your children to handle challenges.
Success Story shared by a seminar participant: I tried, "I have faith..." with my child today. She still took all day to do what I hoped, but she didn't talk disrespectfully, she remained pleasant, and that's more than half the issue.
It was sort of funny because she announced she hadn't done anything and then asked,
"Do you still have faith in me even though it is five o'clock?"
I said, "Oh yes, I have faith".
She did end up studying.
Success Story shared by a seminar participant: We haven't yet fully implemented chore charts, but my son does have a project Tuesday, and with this being a long week-end, he would normally procrastinate and then be frustrated trying to get it finished. So yesterday, I asked him how much time he thought he was going to need to finish it. I then asked him to write down when he would plan to put that time in. He not only did that, but also wrote the other things that usually get away from him, e.g. music practice. That felt like success!
Don’t do their Best provides an opportunity to get buy in from children by involving them in exploring what they want and what they need to do to accomplish their goals, teaching them that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, using Empowering Vs. Enabling Statements, avoid fixing or rescuing, and to use the strategy of asking instead of telling.
Success Story shared by a seminar participant: My Dh and I felt this list [Empowering Vs. Enabling—see Resources] rang true to us. We decided to incorporate some of the tools. I started with asking spelling words. This is usually a struggle with me nagging and DS resisting. I told him that I would be available every night from 7:30- 8:00 pm to help him with his words. He would need to find me and ask me. He initially said "Hey - you are making this harder for me!" I explained that they are his words, not mine. It takes about 10 minutes to do them and I gave him a 30 minute window to ask me. I told him I had faith he would figure it out. He walked away puzzled and headed off to play Wii and I was sure no spelling would happen. I was off doing laundry when he came in with his list at 7:31 pm. He had shut off his Wii and asked me all be himself! I immediately sat down and did them. Now - I just need to start applying this strategy to everything else. (See Empowering Vs. Enabling, www.focusingonsolutions.com in free downloads.)
Don’t Listen provides an opportunity of you to stop lecturing, and to model good listening skills, learn to use active listening and reflective listening as way to encourage better listening from your children. I will repeat the empowering strategy of asking instead of telling. Instead of, "Do your homework," try, "What is your plan for getting your homework done?" Asking questions that invite children to "think" and to decide is often very empowering, while telling often invites resistance or rebellion.
Note: Nagging is not nagging if you ask your child if a friendly reminder would help--and even ask them to tell you the words to use that would be most helpful.
Poor Academic Achievement provides an opportunity to get into your children’s world. Seek to understand the belief behind their behavior. Is your child feeling conditionally loved—that his or her grades are more important to you than he or she is. Validate their feelings. Remember the comment by one seminar participant that children receive a ridiculous amount of homework. Use many of the strategies mentioned above. Keep your long-range goals in mind (the gifts you want for your children) that are even more important than academic achievement—and that actually enhance academic achievement when developed.
These are just a few examples of how challenges can be seen as opportunities to use Positive Discipline strategies develop the gifts you want for them.
Discipline
Positive Discipline does not include any punishment—not even when they are poorly disguised as logical consequences (See Logical Consequences and Why Children Don’t Cooperate, www.focusingonsolutions.com in free downloads.)—because the short-term results are:
The 3 Rs of Punishment
- Rebellion
- Revenge
- Retreat in one of two ways:
- “I won’t get caught next time.”
- “I’m not good enough so I give up.”
The 5 Criteria for Positive Discipline
- Helps children feel a sense of connection? (Belonging and Significance)
- Is kind and firm at the same time (Respectful and Encouraging)
- Is effective long-term, (See the following two criteria)
- Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, cooperation)
- Invites children to discover how capable they are? (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy)
Punishment is designed to make kids “pay” for what they did. The focus of Positive Discipline is to help children “learn” from what they did. The focus is on involving children in solutions and helping them develop the “gifts” you want for your children.
Learn and Teach that Mistakes are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn
Perfectionism is creates the kind of discouragement that may lead some children to a lifetime of trying to prove they are good enough, or a lifetime of underachievement because they believe they can never measure up. (See article on Mistakes are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn, www.focusingonsolutions.com in free downloads.)
Family Meetings
The regular use of family meetings is one of the most valuable parenting strategies you can incorporate because it is a platform where children can develop all of the “gifts” you want for them. (See Why Have Family Meetings? www.focusingonsolutions.com in free downloads.)
Individuation:
Since many of you have children who are doing their "individuation process" (rebelling as a way to find out who they are separate from their parents), I want to share a funny story.
One day Mary was complaining about how stupid it is to have family meetings. I said, "I appreciate you humoring me because it is important to me."
About a week later she stayed overnight with a friend. Her comment the next day was, "That family is so screwed up. They should have family meetings."
When she went to college she had her roommates doing "family meetings" to create routines and find solutions to their challenges.
Do Your Children Feel Conditionally Loved?
There is a common phenomenon I have noticed when working with parents of gifted children. It is very easy for children to get the "sense" that their academic achievement is more important to their parents than they are. Of course this isn't true. But the truth is not as important as what children "believe" is true. That is what they base their behavior on. When children believe their grades are more important than they are, this hurts and children often seek revenge (at a subconscious level). One way to hurt back it to avoid doing as well as they could if they were striving to do well for themselves instead of feeling conditionally loved. None of this may apply to you, but I invite you to explore the possibility. (See Is It Really Possible to Love Too Much? www.focusingonsolutions.com in free downloads.)
Change
Change is never easy for the "weanor" or the "weanee." At first children may feel confused and even resistant. But eventually the empowerment they feel takes over.
Many parents (including me) feel resistant when we first hear about Positive Discipline strategies. It takes a real paradigm shift to realize that respectful parenting tools are more effective in helping children develop the gifts we want for them when we have become familiar with too much control and/or too much permissiveness. It is difficult to believe that simple strategies such as having faith in our children can be more effective than constant nagging.
I want to take this time to point out the importance of the "energy" we bring to new strategies. Children can "sense" when we are sincere and when we don't really have faith, but are just saying we do as a subtle way to control. In other words, kids know when we mean it and when we don't.
I also want to point out the strategies build on each other. Having faith in a child may not be effective if we haven't also taken time for training--such as teaching them problem-solving skills and the many other life skills they learn during family meetings and other Positive Discipline strategies.
Other Resources
Go to www.youtube.com and search for Jane Nelsen to see several short video clips. Be sure to scroll down to “Flip Your Lid” to understand why it is not wise to try solving a problem at the time of conflict.
Go to www.empoweringpeople.com and watch the entertaining and educational video of H. Stephen Glenn as he shares the “barrier” of “directing” and the “builder” of inviting (what I refer to as “telling” vs. “asking”). I suggest watching this video at least three times and promise you will hear and absorb more each time. Also, Dr. Glenn’s Seven Strategies for Developing Capable Young People is available at www.focusingonsolutions.com under free downloads, where you will also find the Positive Discipline Guidelines, a summary of 18 parenting tools to avoid power struggles while teaching children valuable social and life skills.
www.positivediscipline.com is one of my websites where you will find many articles and Q and As and all of the Positive Discipline series of books.
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