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Understanding Very, Very Smart People

Gifted Resources

In this article, Samuel Kohlenberg, LPC, discusses his observations and experiences with profoundly gifted students and young adults. Here are a few things he would like to tell them (as well as the people in their lives). Reprinted with permission from the author.

Being smart is really hard.

There may be people with high IQs who have an easy time in life; relationships are simple, work and school are a breeze, and they long ago addressed the existentialist questions that some of us might carry with us until the very end. I wish them well, and what follows is not about them.

In my practice, I have been able to observe and experience how the world treats young adults with superior intelligence. At times it can be pretty heartbreaking, and these are a few things that I wish I could tell all gifted young adults (as well as the people in their lives).

You’re not allowed to talk about it.

This is the message that brilliant people receive from the world. Because much of the world sees intelligence as a good thing, talking about it seems braggadocios, which is incredibly problematic. People with high IQs are outliers, and outliers are often a more difficult fit in many respects because the world is not made for them. You are different enough for it to be potentially problematic, but you are not allowed to acknowledge how you are different because to do so would be self-aggrandizing. Be more like everyone else, but don’t you dare address how you are different. Bright people who have internalized this message may go far out of their way not to talk about a fundamental difference that often contributes to difficulties in a number of areas.

    • Learning how and when to acknowledge your own intelligence instead of sidestepping the subject can be incredibly important, and sometimes this means learning how to talk about it tactfully. One of my favorite quotes happens to be on tact:

“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”

     -Winston S. Churchill [attributed but disputed]. Learning to talk about how you are different without turning people off may mean that your needs actually start getting met…

Trying is a skill.

If you’re so smart, why aren’t work and school easy all of the time? If you have had a lifetime of being able to intuit your way through school or work, it also means that you have a lifetime of not cultivating the skill of trying. Some gifted teens and adults get to high school, college, or sometimes the workplace, and all of a sudden a completely undeveloped skill set relating to trying is required of them, and nobody is telling them that that is what is going on.

So how do you learn how to try? I recommend finding something that is low-stakes (meaning that it is not going to affect your grades or your work life) and that does not come to you easily. For many, such activities may include learning a new language, mastering a musical instrument, martial arts, team sports, or visual arts. Now that you have found something to try at, commit a significant portion of your week to it. Cultivating a new skill takes time, and the skill of trying is no different.

People can’t tell how sensitive you are.

A common trait amongst the gifted is that the outward expression of emotional states can be more subtle than in the rest of the population. You can be feeling things very deeply without anyone knowing, and that can be a painful and isolating experience. I wish that I could tell every gifted person that people are not missing you intentionally, and you are not alone. This tendency is relatively common, but very rarely talked about.

One way to attack this potentially painful dynamic is to tell people what you are feeling. You might be surprised at how effective verbally disclosing your emotional state can be. Habitually saying things like “I know that I don’t always show it, but I’m super happy right now” can be a total game-changer in some cases.

Existential crises happen a lot earlier, bigger, and more often.

For many gifted people, looking at a lamppost is a different experience than it is for the rest of the world. They do not just see a lamppost. They see an imagined history of how the materials that comprise the post were sourced, manufactured, and installed. They see the way that the lamp is connected to a power grid like a cell in a greater organism of a city and how they fit into that system. Imagine then, for a moment, what it must be like for such a person to turn their attention to their existence and what it means to be human.

The world is ready for angsty teenagers. The brooding 15 –year-old is a cinematic trope for a reason. People are less prepared for 6-year-olds in the midst of an existential crisis befitting a 40-year-old. Not only does it not fit the script, but it may be contributing to depression for decades to come.

Finding meaning is important. I recommend reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Thoughtfully explore how you make meaning in the realms of interpersonal relationships, how you spend your time, and what you enjoy doing/feel called to do.

The rest of the world isn’t going to change.

Learning to do well with people or with organizations (school, work, etc.) that are a less than optimal fit can be amazingly important, and you may as well figure out how to do this sooner rather than later. This idea comes up a lot when I talk to people about they way they fit in (or don’t…) at work or school. While finding optimal fit can be very important, learning how to work well with people who are different from you can be important too. For many people whose minds make them statistical outliers, learning to do this early in life has the potential to save a lot of discomfort.

To this end, there have been times that I have literally told someone that the most important thing that they might learn in high school may involve finding a healthy way to deal with people who have more power than them, but less intelligence.

Stop trying to do things their way.

One of the most agonizing things that I get to witness is the conflation of means with ends. Well-intentioned bosses, teachers, family members, and friends are often generous with advice when you have difficulty. The unfortunate reality is that following their advice does not guarantee that you will be able to overcome the obstacle before you.

I am sorry to say that there does not seem to be a one-size-fits-all answer. I have noticed a trend, however, that many of the gifted people that I work with have an easier time when they are able to learn things as a system and not as a series of steps or isolated facts. In other words, understanding how things fit together as a system is often a more helpful goal than memorizing a list.

If you’re interested in finding like-minded peers for your gifted child, Davidson Institute programs like Explore, Young Scholars, and our residential summer camps are a great way to make connections. Learn more about our programs and scholarships.

Permission Statement

This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.

Disclaimer: The appearance of any information in the Davidson Institute’s Resource Library does not imply an endorsement by, or any affiliation with, the Davidson Institute. All information presented is for informational and archival purposes only. The Davidson Institute bears no responsibility for the content of republished material. Please note the date, author, and publisher information available if you wish to make further inquiries about any republished materials in our Resource Library.

More Resources:

Guiding Gifted – A monthly newsletter from the Davidson Institute for those who work with or have a gifted or twice-exceptional child in their family.

Davidson Gifted Perspectives – A video series that examines several different gifted-related issues and viewpoints.

Comments

Bob

Yes,

I recognise most narrative of this article how intelligent people are socially perceived.

I dislike thou the view that I am the one who need to explain my emotions because of arrogance that average people possess as protection against more intelligent people.

They protect themselves not purposely but subconsciously - their reptile brain is the trigger.

While we all have a reptile brain - it tends to trigger less the more intelligent one shows.

To sum up, explaining your feelings might be a good idea in a non hostile environment but in average - please don’t expose your weakness towards hostile subliminal minds, smile and act dump is the best way to neutralise these people.
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EBP

It was very interesting reading all these comments on how to live and thrive with a high IQ or as a high-functioning adult. So many shared experiences, frustrations, isolation, nonstandard interests. Retirement is just around the corner and I can't wait: finally able to do what interests me, without having to slow down and wait while work colleagues toil to catch up. Not their fault, doing the best they can, but so tedious waiting and waiting for pennies to drop.
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Raseur Braus

I am smart. I am powerful. I can read peoples minds. I admit & reflect when I am wrong… More than all that, I am exceedingly capable- of anything. I am full of knowledge, and wisdom. It is a gift, and it is a curse all at the same time.
*you have these traits, because you want and value them.

The most important thing to remember, is that people don’t comprehend infinity, but the meaning of life truly is relationships. This is what really counts, besides good health, which my spine has been diminished from excessive ambition. A very smart person is only about as good as say 10 people collectively, but still goes unnoticed in a crowd.

Seek good health, seek knowledge, and wisdom, be rationally true to yourself, and protect your health.

Most of all, surround yourself with good people, and don’t mix your heart with bad people who creep in and bring you negativity. They don’t go away easily. Low iq people make decent company too, if they are happy. Be. Satisfied…
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Joe

I appreciate this article. Living a childhood as an exception rather than a rule can be traumatizing. Into adulthood, you learn to temper responses and to guard against unintentionally coming across as condescending. It can also be frustrating when you want to move things at 1000 miles an hour but not travel at warp speed to try and fly under the radar. I have been blessed to be very successful in life, still working at age 68, and my faith has been instrumental in my journey. Everyone needs to know: No matter your IQ, when you feel like you are on an island, you are not alone. Keep things in perspective.
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JC Rodgers

I am now 66, female, and have struggled with everything in the above article. I was in kindergarten when I knew something was special. (My mother would say 'different'.) The principal called my mother and myself into a meeting in his office. He explained to her that the tests that they recently administered were scored. He told her: She only missed one. Only one question. Then he looked at me and said: When the question was which animal is stronger, the elephant or the tiger... you chose the tiger. Why? I told him: Because the tiger can kill and eat the elephant, but the elephant can't eat the tiger. I saw it in my daddy's National Geographic magazine.

As I spoke to my sister on the phone this morning telling her about my interaction with the HVAC guy, she said: You need to read this article. And here I am.
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Joe

Thank you for sharing. I understand. As a child I didn't understand why what seemed normal to me was so different for others. It was difficult when teachers would form a habit of calling on me to provide an answer after a classmate failed to provide a correct one. It wasn't intentional, but it served as one more element to mark me as an exception, and not a good one, rather than a conforming rule. I am 68 now and still work. I have been very blessed and successful while keeping things in check. I have learned to dial back a bit to ensure I never come across as condescending or a know it all. After all none of us are. For me and for many it is a continuous balancing. I try and fly under the radar, be respectful and humble, and that has helped. Great article and I appreciate your response.

Roxanne

I am a female, who is now 65 years old, but I can tell you a lot of these things are things that I really struggled with myself. In the time I grew up in being very smart and female, was so unwelcome by society that I ended up, basically trying to dumb myself down, and be like everyone else just to fit. I was a straight a student who just quit trying because I couldn’t take people finding any reason possible to put me down anymore. After some years of doing this, I actually no longer believed to acknowledge that I was smart. I actually ended up dropping out of high school because both my school and home life were horrible. It wasn’t until I was in my early 30s and my daughter started school that I decided to go back and get my GED. I went to the local adult education center and took the pretest so they could get a gauge of how well I would do on the test and what areas I needed to study in. when the lady that worked they looked at the test, she said you could go take the test right now and pass it. I decided to study up a bit before I took the test because I wanted to do as well as possible. This ended up being helpful for me because the lady that worked there that was helping me told me about a scholarship at the local community college that she thought I should apply for. When I took the test, I got the second highest score in the state that year, and got the scholarship and went to college for a year, after which I decided to quit because the stress of taking care of my family and home and going to college was just too much when I didn’t have any support from my husband. My reason for mentioning this is because I had gone through my teenage years suffering very much from an inferiority complex, and going through this process and learning these things about myself, helped me with self-worth. Sadly, none of this is ever helped in my day-to-day life or in getting jobs. I’ve never really been one to talk about my own capabilities, and people have always underestimated me so every job I’ve ever ever had in my entire life has been very much below my skill set. Life is very difficult when people are always underestimating you.
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Mark G. Stevens

Intellect should be a tool and not a shiny suit. The surgeon wants the sharpest scapel, the dealmaker the sharpest pencil and we can all agree. Yet when the sharpest mind appears on the scene, many or most are not so quick to appreciate it. Ask me how I know.

Regardless, if your sharp mind is your tool, keep it sheathed in a quiet kindness amongst others, and work alone, for your gifts will not be appreciated.
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LjB

I've never observed a single platform, coent, or published work, that discusses or highlights struggles with being intelligent, or a critical thinker outside of the West. Not even a one-line personal angst for historically notable high IQ figures, many who faced far more than self-isolation, public scrutiny and/or discrimination; never. Speculating that such forums and preoccupation leanings are particular to the West.

D B

Great insights.
IQ isn't everything and it is nothing to be jealous about. It causes an imbalance that takes decades to bring into aliment. There are a lot of average IQ people who are much smarter in other tangible ways, more fulfilled, richer, have greater purpose or accomplishment; people who have high EQ, or high industriousness or ambition.
Thank You for touching on "feeling" most people think IQ+ outliers lack empathy, it's very much the opposite. They feel everything so much more it becomes unbearable, and the only way to survive is to shut it off temporarily. Empathy and compassion are still there, it's just shoved in a closet long enough to get through the day, the next hour or the next 5 minutes. But it always comes back, often followed by decades of drug or alcohol.
Although, it is cool to look at a set of 2D drawings and visualize construction of the object in 3D with your eyes open, you can see it so clearly it's like watching a movie, or being in a hologram. Faces and voices right in front of you fade away. So lay off kids that "space out" or "day dream."
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No

You do not understand intelligent people at all. Reading this was maddening, these are not grand wisdoms unavailable to people who think a little too deeply. They're patronizing or contradictory statements, or simply actions that load additional onus and responsibility onto the person who is an "outlier." Learn how to be less weird! But don't do things their way! You just aren't trying! Just open up to people! They won't be scared off at all by the hairy things you're grappling with! This is all nonsense and frankly you should not be allowed to offer opinions freely on the internet.
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Simon Göteborg

You seem to have interpreted this post very differently than me. I'm pretty sure that statements such as "be more like everyone else, but don’t you dare address how you are different" are meant to communicate the message these people receive from their environment, rather than the author's opinion. At no point did they sate that these are trivial problems or that the people in question gave themselves to blame. What I see is advice for people who want it, and in my experience talking to people with these issues, many have found the advice useful. Unfortunately it's very difficult to give any advice to a broad group of people without some interesting it as criticism, but that's not always how it's meant. I think the introduction made it quite clear that the author is viewing this from an empathic perspective.

Name

You are wrong. I will say that these revelations are realistically worth nothing to a highly intelligent person, as they have already likely thought about them themselves, but whether or not they are useless matters not. Across the board, they are true; it says understanding smart people, not how to cope with being smart. I would venture to guess that this article is not for you, this article does not refer to you, and you are likely at the utmost zenith of the first half of the bell curve.

HELL NO

I agree, true geniuses like Steve Jobs and Elon Musk (at least in America) will usually come out on top in the end, no worries. But those are men with IQs above 160.

This article is actually targetting people with IQs between 120 and 140, mostly urban (and suburban) upper class white kids in North America.

To be honest, the real gifted people have no difficulty observing algorithms and noticing patterns, including social behaviors and interactions with other people.

Daniel

What they have written in this article resonated quite well with me and what you have written demonstrates that you indeed are not in any category that I would consider gifted. Just another pompous fool who has a knack for remembering various useless words.

janji gacor daftar

Chances are you’ll even uncover a solution admirer for there are actually changes inside your like daily life and really like of everyday living – you have certainly not dreamed of, all without excessive effort in your portion!
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Arish Mathes

Why do you think you are "smart" or superior to others?
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SJ Goebel

I was tested while in elementary school with an IQ of 145-165. I was treated...not well by my mother and siblings. I think a lot was due to jealousy. Imagine a woman growing up in the 1960s in the deep south who was smarter than the men (and women) around her. Men don't like that, and women admitted to being jealous, including the head cheerleader and homecoming queen who I would have traded places with in a heartbeat.

No one seems to like a female "genius." Girls could show off if their gifts were beauty and/or charm. Or be in recitals if they could sing, dance or do a sport. But to "show off" my "gift" was considered conceited.

I was told to "act dumb" and also to become a secretary and MARRY a doctor instead of being one. Never being asked on dates and not knowing why, until years later when men said they thought I'd reject them because I made such good grades.

I even tried hiding my test scores, never "acted smart" and tried to be super-nice. But people didn't like that I used such "big words."

I think a lot of it was that I grew up around lower middle class people who tended to be poorly educated.

But it was very difficult.
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Yanaar Jane Lee

I tested 179 on the Standford Binet, and this article fits me to a t. Thank you for publishing it. What a relief to know this about myself, and feel validated. Maybe I can handle myself better with others. I'm always amazed that others don't seem to see what I think is obvious. I have to stop that, and react differently.

Kevin Finnerty

Much of this seems spot on, including the existential crisis of the 6-year-old. I can recall having a panic attack at around 4 or 5 because as I was trying to fall asleep, I was contemplating the concept of eternity and its implications once again. I couldn't wrap my head around it and thought that I was having a heart attack. I told my Mom that I needed to go to the hospital. That would have been a funny conversation with the doctor.

After that night, I taught myself some coping mechanisms (how to stop thinking about it once it progressed too far) and got past it.
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Amalfi Calhoun

This article is a perfect example of my life as a child. I grew up in a poor country, finished high school at 14, I could not entered medical school due to my young age. When I moved to the states my English language skills were not as developed and I had to stay in high school 3 more years, to my dismay, school in the US is not as challenging and is rather boring. It was a struggle to stay connected and awake during lessons. Now that I am 40, I went back to finish my masters degree and school still boring and rather too basic for me. It hurts me to say that, I do not want to sound as if I believe I have a superior intelligence, nonetheless, this has been my struggle my whole life, I feel like an alien, alone and misunderstood and I did not know I was intelligent, I thought I was a typical child. Thanks for this article, is profound and touching.
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Mark Martin

I am far from the adolescent age primarily referred to in this article. However, I did find it very relatable to myself. I am at the age of 40 now and after reading this literature I am interested in any more available that may be suggestive to someone my age. A lot of my life has been lost due to incarceration that (in my opinion) were the results of a lifetime of self medicating and misunderstanding. Looking back from both sides of the fence. Great read. Thank you. -Sonny
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R. R.

Just thought I'd note - nearly all information regarding giftedness pertains to children. What about gifted adults ? As if giftedness vanishes with age ? Some people grow up thinking they are normal, albeit with many problems. Only as adults do they - eventually - discover they are gifted, and this explains many of their earlier problems. So - more attention to gifted adults, please.

A.s.z

This article touched me in ways that would take hours to describe. It's still gonna be long, but I'll simmer it down to this: I believe I was a gifted child, and I even feel anxious saying that anonymously in fear of sounding grotesquely big-headed. This is the first time I've even said something like this at all, but this experience you described of being so othered from the world around you by suffering in ways few others could understand- that's something I've felt so alone in and I've struggled with so much that I just lost my job, lost my apartment and spent a full week in the psych ward over. Especially the part about being more intelligent than someone with more power. Even though my mother physically controlled the household, I always felt like I had to be right there beside her, helping her stay calm, helping her pilot the ship if you will, because if I didn't all hell would break loose. I often had to take over discussions even in high pressure situations because she was so quick to assume someone was challenging her in some way, that she'd immediately jump to full on rage, often even getting violent. That doesn't work well with, say, the police, or the cable company. I spent a lot of my time delegating things to my mom that she could handle, like paying the bills, keeping a roof over our head and our mouths fed, or keeping up on appointments and commitments and keeping things relatively clean. Then I would take over the tasks she couldn't handle, this would be mostly raising myself and my siblings and taking taking care of the pets. Sometimes, though, and maybe more often then I'd even like to admit, it'd be physically and emotionally defending my siblings from her when things got out of hand, and lying to every authority figure you could think of to keep her out of jail and us out of foster care, and occasionally defending HER from her boyfriend's/ husbands when THEY got out of hand. Now I'm 24, I've been feeling like no one in the world sees the work I am doing on myself, the ways that I'm suffering, that I'm hurting. But they can see me fail at all the regular things a "successful" person can do. I was so close to being gone for good because I felt that no one understood me at all- and maybe they don't. But at the last moment I was able to let someone know what I was going through, how scary the situation was getting and immediately there was an outpouring of love and support. For the first time in a long time that I have some hope. Most of the world isn't like my house was growing up, and I'm still learning this. I'm a very religious person in my own rite and I often feel that the universe lines things up for us at the correct moment. What a perfect coincidence I found this the day I discharged from the hospital- as I'm standing on the edge of the unknown, looking out at what my life's going to be like now that everything that wasn't working for me finally fell apart. I tried for so long to make a life that I couldn't stand work, and I scrambled to hold it together the whole time. It feels right to start again, to relax and learn to try, and just see what happens next. This was the reminder I needed that I am not invisible as long as I let people see me. Thank you so much.

M.C.B.

I liked reading this at first was for my daughter who is very gifted but doesn't have self awareness as much as I realized also didn't have in youth, where at one point in Grade 8, I was explaining a method to the teacher as I believed we were engaging in the subject of math with open exploration and she suddenly asked me to teach to the class and I didn't expect that, and so I did and thought she wanted my help at that moment. So I went to the front and did just that, and engaged and asked students questions about what I was teaching them, and I thought that was normal, so afterwards she said okay that's enough thank you, I didn't realize it until later she was trying to embarrass me and I wasn't trying to challenge her as this happens a lot to children of advanced problem solving, and it started happening to my daughter at an earlier age so I caught what was happening and encouraged her to keep being expressive in her learning.
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M. L.

What. Exactly my experience. So embarrassing afterwards when I realized! 😳🫣

MDENT

What a nice pondererance on a very seldom discussed issue. I have always said "Smart people are the real minorities" and it is absolutely true. No group gets treated worse, even though we are the most multi-faceted group as far as race, gender, sexual orientation and the lot. When I was young, I learned to play stupid in order to fit in. I was a gifted musician and I discovered that girls seemed to go for the dumbest guys, so long as they were outlandish and obnoxious. It is the same today. Even what we call music today (it isn't) rewards the people who seek attention the loudest. (That's all pop stars are, just narcissistic attention whores. They're the LAST people who should be rewarded.!) People are idiots. The stupid are the majority. This is the inverse of the intelligent being the minority, and it is the sad truth lonely, intelligent people must contend with. At least when I played the role of an idiot, it was just a role. Now as an adult, I hide my skills and have become a master at being unassuming because all it does is make people leech off of you when they know you have skills. All these things are self evident to younger, intelligent kids and I feel sorry for how they must feel in this generation, which I believe to be the dumbest yet.
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Chris

Amara you seem more concerned with what's okay or not than with the actual perils of being different. You are in no position to say what is "okay" about anyone or anything, and neither is any of those who do. This person is expressing his feelings about many valid things as they relate to his person and you shame him (yes it's cynical and exaggerated but it's genuine unlike your stifling contribution). I'm sorry this is what you've learned at such a young age and I hope you will become free in time to truly feel the pain of being different and then being able to orient your life accordingly. Conformism is what the masses force on you, don't be like them. I wish you freedom, and if you are as smart as you say you are I also wish you wisdom in how to live with it.

Oso BrownBear

Strange. Doesn't read as such. A Flat. Temporal. Freestyle, no Jazz.

Amara owens

Bringing down modern culture and other people’s abilities even though people with high intelligence face their own difficulties is not okay. You had a choice to wear a mask and not be yourself, that’s not society’s, what you seem to think of women’s types, nor anyone’s fault but your own. Instead of seeing the world as lower than you yourself think of the fact that you have a gift of intelligence, use it for great things, whatever it may be, instead of complaining and feeling sorry for further generations. I am a 13 year old girl, to see this message it makes me ashamed to call myself a smart person. And by the way it really seems like you are reaching out for attention just like those “bad pop artists”. Justice for nicki Minaj

W.J. van Soest(Pim)

How true! And very, very recognizable! Chapo!

Mike

Hey, this is a good article. I really liked the lamppost reference, as an engineer, that's spot-on. I scored 98% or above on all 3 categories of the WISC-3 many years ago. I often feel like an alien on another planet and you're very right about the problems this brings, including being impossible to share with others.
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CGB

I attended a leadership training class once where the instructor said "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, you probably aren't. There is always somebody who is going to know something you don't."
The problem with that assessment is that the two sentences don't correlate. If you put Albert Einstein, Richard Feynman, and Enrico Fermi in a room together, you might be hard pressed to discover who was the smartest in the room. But if you took any one of those three men and put them in a room with people of average intelligence, there likely would be an average person who knew something Albert Einstein didn't. But that wouldn't change the fact that Einstein was the smartest person in the room.
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Oso BrownBear

All I know is that with even this as the only conversation in the room, I'm still never, ever, ever bored. Thank the speed of light I can close my eyes and ears and entertain myself for forever and a day.

Zein..

That's why intelligence is all about harnessing accumulated knowledge. Moreover, Einstein says: "Imagination is more important than knowledge".

Peter

The tact quote made me laugh out very loud. I am not highly intelligent, more oddly intelligent, but I can relate. As kid I had the frightening realization and understanding of the vastness and size of space but my mother and sister could not comfort me since I was not able to communicate my abstract fears. This leads to feelings of being alone, shame for the ability. I had consciousness experiences that people cannot imagine and in my endeavour to find out more and share I only created negativity. One reason is what cannot be imagined is rarely understood, which is why I think the title is hard to fulfill. It would surprise me if intelligent people had the expectation towards theirs peers to understand them. But respect as peer on same level of humanness needs to be demanded, since the outlier is often treated with disrespect and ostracized for reasons of social group coherence and the hierarchic structure of our kind. One thing missed here is the makeup of our society. For starters lets begin by saying out loud that this society and its values are not the nature and the values that are generally promoted. I see nothing bad in it, it is just nature, but its not madeup human imagined ideals, but you have to deal with a majority who thinks it is. So as long as you have an ideal understanding of society and sociality you will fail to understand. Intelligence is perceived as a threat as is being different in general. I can deal with being emotionally alone, but being mentally alone is something that still aches. Here is what I learned. Do not ask for understanding, it will be a waste of time and a waste of important energy and cause for useless angerment. One reason for this is humans are bad in making exceptions in their mind, so asking for peers to treat you different while the same will not happen. We are just not build for that. One thing though that is needed to ask for relentless is respect. I stumbled upon this article before, this time I wondered if there is a connection of intelligence and disobedience since the intelligent individual better understands hidden agendas, mechanisms of power and enslavement. The article hits home. One of the things it gets right is advice from people and relations with people who think you mentally operate like them and the emotional frustration and mislabeling of causes and traits. I think it is far better to prepare a young intelligent person emotionally that they will have a substantial part of misunderstanding by their peers in their life than to give false hope that their difference will not matter. In order for emotional comfort they need to know that they are not alone and that can be done best by peers or adults of their level who can answer questions and sharing struggles. I enjoyed the article, thank you.
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josef

Many gifted are no any better they are patronizing and think they are better than others, yet hypocritically do same what they complain of normal people doing to them. Or it is this fake politeness and it is like they have patent on morality and use it selectively. We all are fools, but it is the hardest thing to admit it - Dostoevsky... I find anyone under 160IQ weak and without taste... At best wild animal...
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A.B

Anyone calling themselves "smart" should be able to recognize that a person's value is defined by way, way more than their IQ.

Tulio Takemae

Hi all, hope you are doing great, at least to some extend.

I loved this article and I'll try my best to be practical and objective here. I found myself as a high IQ person around my 26 years old, when I applied to two different tests in the same year. One score 146 points, and the other scored 147, and I finally understood why I felt so different from others.

It is absolutely normal to feel different from others, everybody feels this way, and that's right, but my "different" was really on a whole new level.

You know, to learn things I'm curious about is absolutely fast, I can become a PhD in a matter of a few days, but when I'm not interested there is nothing in this world that makes me learn that given subject, I'm absolutely practical with my learning focus.

It would be great to share with you all every detail of my experience, but I'm going to share just one thing I did not see commented here yet. I feel the dumbest person in the whole world almost everyday in my work, because it is really very hard to understand why people work the way they do, why the companies and all it's processes, technologies and people are so damn complicated and nonsense, while all of that could be so much simpler and easier, more than 70% of all that complication should not even exist, they are almost all the time trying to find ways to solve problems that were created by the complexities they created in the first place. It is absolutely nonsense, and I find really very hard to understand, I tend to just keep quiet while they waste their time in endless meetings that complicate things even more, and they expect me to make a move, but I don't even understand what they are trying to do, nor even why they do things the way they do. And I feel and know through experience that if I open my mouth to tell everything I think about it, my words will just sound like nonsense to them because they don't see not even closer to the way I see things. So frustrating to live this way, almost agonizing.
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Anon

I don't know if you're lying; you definitely are on some stuff, or it's a grave and inaccurate exaggeration. I was tested at an IQ of 160, There is absolutely no way on God's greenest earth that I could ever learn enough information in a matter of days to earn a PhD, and I doubt anybody with intelligence as high as you claim yours to be would say as much so erroneously. Perhaps you used an online IQ test if you aren't lying. I'm not certain, but at the very least, you mention not being able to understand people. A person with a high IQ doesn't have any more issue comprehending the illogical than they do the logical. I cannot say there have been many times in my life at all that there has been something that could be comprehended that I couldn't comprehend, especially not to the point of frustration. Possibly if you had the names of your tests, I'd be more inclined to believe you, but as it stands now, I think you might be a liar and possibly a victim of the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Oso BrownBear

Possibly watch Goodwill Hunting?

Mercedes Bouter

I wish I'd know you personally....I found your reply on this page because I was searching for people who share this exact experience throughout life.

Berta Wilson

Hi Tulio. I so deeply understand what you are saying. My suggestion is to figure out what you really love to do and find a job where your insights will be appreciated. It will take time snd much research perhaps, but there are companies out there that appreciate smart,
creative thinkers who are not part of the herd mentality. Another possibility is starting your own company, or even freelancing as an advisor. You know your talents. Think of ways to free yourself.
I'm telling you this as a 77 year old who wishes someone had advised me to not care so much about fitting in, and to find a path that fulfills my needs. That is not easy, but neither is pretending we are something we are not. You can be yourself and probably have a happier life than the one you have now.
That does not mean being arrogant, or acting superior. It means living your truth. That's not easy or pain free, but neither is the path you are on now. Life is just hard and complicated. Accepting that up front will help you move on to a more soul fulfilling life.
I wish you all good things.

mao rodriguez

Since I was a teenager I have learned that the best way to deal with those none sense is " just smile and be handsome " 60 years later that tact still working well.

by the way “Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”) : very amusing, funny .

Belle

I have the same experience at workplaces even being around the bosses and CEO’s. I thought I had autism/asperger but I guess It’s not only me experiencing this and that it’s caused by a very high IQ. I also had the same experience in the school enviroment when I was growing up which made me feel dumb and underachive because I thought I was stupid and I had low self esteem because I was bullied and alone all the time which caused shame.

Ann

I think we hide our feelings because we've already suffered a lifetime of invalidation, perceiving more than others. Stating our feelings is seen as toxic or manipulative behavior by others. So is crying or being rightfully angry. If we don't show emotions, especially as women, we are "sociopaths". We're supposed to be warm and bubbly and, most important, doormats. But then its our fault for being a doormat. All trauma in life I've ultimately gone through alone because humans are really pretty awful and don't care. They'll drag you down when you're up and they'll kick you when you're down. Loneliness is a treat as highly intelligent people are lucky to just be left alone. Eventually the loneliness disappears.
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one youngin amongst many

From reading all of this and having had a mediocre experience (as in not living up to expectations, having imposter syndrome, etc.) from being"gifted", I guess I'm finding myself here for some advice. Currently in high school and I don't know what I want to do with my life. I often find myself ruminating over doing, feeling aimless and numb.

Those who shine brightest often burn fastest.
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Chilet

You may feel some burn out. But as long as you're "gifted", it'll never really go away. You will always have the ability. You just have to try to get stuff done I guess. I came here looking for the same advice so I hope this helps...

P.s Everyone I know feels imposter syndrome at some point. Just do what you can

Peter

I write as someone older but with similar traits. Two things to avoid is doing nothing and not traveling. As a ruminator learn about unlearning perfectionism. As someone with numb feeling be honest and accept your feelings. Frankly it sounds you need change of environment, travel, move. Fear before entering our work force is a sign of intelligence. Acknowledge that intelligence, do not make the error of dumbing down for others. Change of environment can have impact, travel. Accept that there is good reason for how you are and how you act. Have trust that the same intelligence will find a solution to the problem at hand.

kinda smart bruh

It's more like always "being in the closet", to avoid discrimination and fit in. At a certain level, you're smart enough to know. You have to try very hard to act medium intelligent/chill; because it hurts people's ego, that you exist. Like being able to understand a complex things quick/easy, negates the pride they have in all the time/trial and error they put in to understand it.((skimming Wikipedia/ a few referenced research papers in 20mins)vs(reading books front to back and getting a tutor to break it into small chunks for you))

I 100% don't judge and am okay people are on different paths. They might not be ready/believe it's possible/be completely honest with themselves to change their thought processes/how they approach learning. Also embracing failure. If something just works, you don't learn much. But you learn a lot from honestly trying to understand why something didn't work.

--Keep in mind, a high IQ is essentially a personality trait and not being borne with a more powerful brain. Like practicing a sport in your free time, instead of the minimum amount to get by. It's being open to new experiences, willing to change how you think, never settling, and always feeling a need to keep learning/changing. You're motivated to learn random skills/science for fun and get better at learning.

Less nice is: Feeling a little sad soon after you solve a complex problem. I don't feel any pride in it. Everyone tries their best, even if they can't just openly listen because of preconceived ideas. I completely lose interest when putting the info into stupidly specific formatting and unnecessary parts. I'm not driven by winning, but by enjoying the challenge while I try to understand.
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ProfoundlyGiftedPeggy

Any tips for dealing with boredom? I don’t find it isolating, feel different, whatever when having to deal with the drawn out machinations of the people around me (meetings, long explanations in school of things I understood at first glance, etc.). I just get bored out of my skull.
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dracke

Well basically start doing interesting thinking.
come prepared for boredom. I. e. Have at the ready at list if words to memorize for a language course. Read philosophical books and argue for and against positions in your head. Look at the people around you and see if you can figure out their state of mind, imagine what their lives are likes.
Compose a song in your head (Beethoven did), write a novel in your head. Replay that movie in your head you saw recently and see how many things you can find that do not make sense. Or see if you can recall the jokes, figure out what makes them funny to others and come uo with a few similar ones. You may even replay yesterday and see what opportunities were missed for jokes,.
and so in, really with let your run wild (may need practice) and instead of being bored you'll find there're not enough hours in the day to think all the things you want to think.

kinda smart bro

Bring paper to draw/work through a reaction mechanism in chemistry/what ever. They'll think you're taking notes.

I listen to the first few sentences and zone out until they get to the conclusion. Also listen if tone of voice changes and it feels like an important thing.

Most people in this type of meeting are just talking to look productive and not listening. Nothing will be decided.

I wish it didn't feel so soul crushingly stupid. Presenteeism is real. Most middle managers are useless and rank people based on how busy they look, not accomplishing things/productivity.

Elizabeth Sterrett

This is so interesting, a couple years ago I had to get an IQ test done for Social Security and I was not told the results, only that I had scored quite high. It has been so strange to hear that, when all my life my peers and siblings have called me stupid, idiot, or freak. How is it that I can be intelligent, yet come across as stupid? My only idea of why, is that I have a high comorbidity of mental illness, but what can I really do about that.
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CGB

I think it was Albert Einstein that said you can't judge a fish by how well it can climb a tree. In other words, your intelligence has to be shown through your own skills, not the skills somebody else thinks you should have.

From my own experience, I was the typical nerd, i. e. good grades, but lousy at sports (except for swimming, that I was good at). Since just about all of my peers were competent athletes, I was considered broken for being inept in gym class, while living in a society that practically worships sports.

I'm also a polymathic problem solver, and sometimes I would find ways to complete an assignment that was faster and more efficient than the teacher's. This frustrated my classmates, who only understood the "normal" way to solve problems. One guy got so frustrated with me that he said I should seriously consider suicide. That's ironic. I could solve problems faster than he could, but because I didn't do it the "normal" way, I was a freak who should remove himself from the gene pool.

Nichol

Years ago I was at an government building, hoping to get assistance for work placement. She interviewed me and said she felt I have autism, she had a young son. I was then granted funding for IQ testing in a local business that looks for Einstein's! It was very painful and shaming, they basically told me I was stupid. Later my partner took me to see a lady in New York city, we are in Canada. I am creatively gifted and also communicate at a high level for no apparent reason. There is lot's else but I can tell you that at home there's no support or services, it's very depressing at times. I eventually found a passion and something I understood well, so I moved onto research.

Love all the little stories here, I can relate a bit to each one... I feel old and probably am at almost 50, but autism brings with it child like qualities. So what is young? All I know is that I'd be happy if all the mouth breather died suddenly and all that was left were people on the spectrum-what a party that would be.

Charlene

Wow. This article and the comments left me in tears. Thank you.

I've been avoiding, ignoring and downplaying my intelligence because nobody told me any of these things, nor provided any guidance around navigating the world as an intelligent woman. Finally (at 55) I'm acknowledging it, learning to understand it, and figuring out where to go from here.

Wish there was a place for us to connect with others. Unfortunately, academia was stifling for me.

Please reach out if you would like to connect. deeperintelligence.ca

Biggest blessings to everyone on their intelligence journey!

Charlene
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Nadiya

I don't think I am over intelligent but I can relate to many things said in this article. I feel myself as a misfit in my society. I don't have anyone available who can see world like me, whom I can relate to. I feel a need to feed knowledge into me, I feel deficient in knowledge all the time. I like to see the whole picture before dividing it into parts and this often requires more time to complete my tasks. My biggest problem is that I lose focus very easily, I got distracted on my way to do something many times.
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Louise

I barely studied in high school, didn't have to. I was always in the academic top 10 and I never had to try. I was the best chess player, best public speaker, etc. I always struggled socially and I never felt like I fit in. I am very approachable and friendly, but I could never make friends with my peers. When I started studying engineering, I found out that you're supposed to study for mathematics, physics, etc. It took me weeks to adjust to the fact that I now have to try, more weeks to try out a few learning styles. I'm now starting with my Masters degree in computer and electronic engineering, and I can honestly say I'm surrounded by the right people. I don't feel like I'm different, even though I'm a bit younger. When you find your place in the world, you actually fit in by standing out.
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B Lee

I think the hardest part is being different and not knowing why. I had an occasion to be tested when I was in my twenties and found out I was a high performing individual. I am a visual learner and struggled with non visual concepts. But I am very creative with art. And that is my joy.

When I was in eighth grade we took something called the Iowa tests. There was a part where you folded boxes in your mind and chose the shape it would become. There were also things like the ropes and pullies. Fitting pipes parts together in your mind, etc. I breezed through it thinking everybody would have fun with it.

After the person scored our tests he went up to my teacher and showed her one of the tests. Turns out it was mine. I had scored 100% on that visualization portion of the test, and high in other parts. Then my teacher quietly told me it was one of the highest scoring tests she had seen. I honestly didn't know the importance of that.

It took a long time for me to catch on. Kids, and even adults don't always sense their high intelligence. A person can go their whole life and not know.

One thing I have discovered is that people have relied on me to figure things out, but they are upset if I tell them I am considered a highly sensitive, gifted adult. That can be very frustrating.
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EBP

I remember that part of the Iowa tests -- I too loved those and thought they were fun puzzles. Not so my classmates.

Dan Cleary

People say I'm intelligent, as do I. Here's my experience with the condition.

I'm the world's most over qualified under achiever. I ask people who challenge me to a debate to pick their best topic, whatever they know most about in this world, and I will teach them about it.

I had a job at 13 where I was the boss of all field workers at a nursery. I hired and fired people at my discretion solely. I worked 80 hour weeks in the Great Canadian Oil Patch for 6 years. I have degrees. I have every license you can think of.

Point at someone, 2 days from then I guarantee they will tell you I am their best friend. No matter the social situation, I'm always able to work it seamlessly. Well, aside from 1...

I have never been in a fight in my life, yet never run from one either. Everyone likes me, my best friends are all people who wanted to fight me initially but I did me, and we're now lifelong friends.

I am unemployed and have no motivation or desire to find employment. I cannot maintain a romantic relationship for longer than a year or 2. I am miserable.

I'm just killing time til the end.
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James Perly

Hi Dan, we should talk, I've been in the same boat and I resonate with everything you've said. I believe I've mostly solved the problem you have and I could use some help fleshing it out so we can help ourselves and others. I kept finding some hockey player when I Googled your name, I'm in Toronto and am easily found. Best, James

Barry

This made me laugh in recognition of its truth: "People are less prepared for 6-year-olds in the midst of an existential crisis befitting a 40-year-old." Indeed. And even less so when it's a 3-year-old asking questions about why the world exists (and why I existed).

I must admit it took me a very long time to understand that my peers didn't see the world the way I did, in the sense that things that seemed immediately obvious to me were often beyond them, even after considerable deliberation. Yet when it came to social interaction, it was the opposite. I didn't understand why, for example, it was considered 'fun' to make other people mad (I certainly understood later and more than made up for lost time).

It's also true that I gave up trying when it came to studies or tasks because I was able to meet what I felt were very low standards without trying at all.

Navigating interpersonal relations has often been hell for me. I have some long-time friends who are ferociously loyal to me but I draw a lot of hatred from other people. I am more skilled - or more practiced - than I used to be, but anxiety and depression have dominated my life.

Thanks for offering some advice.
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Jess

Barry your comments really resonated. l often feel like answers are obvious and it’s a waste of time to have meetings or explore other options because I just know the answer. But, I have learned that most people around me need to process or have multiple meetings to discuss and take time to come to the same conclusion. I am frequently blown away by how slowly people come to what seems like a logical obvious answer. It can be hard to stay in the conversation. I’ve been in a few leadership roles where I would prefer to shut down the dialogue and proceed with my (obvious) solution. As much as I’d like to say I learned from the process, I am often just frustrated bc the solution adopted is my original idea. This is so hard bc I literally hate listening to people process thoughts verbally and I feel like it’s a waste of my time. The older I get the less tolerant I am. It is so difficult.

CJ

How do we handle long required meetings with less intelligent people. I find this to be very hard. Any suggestions?
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B Lee

There are a lot of reasons that it can be frustrating. There is an annoyance factor when some people are long winded and don't really say much, or argue pointless ideas, etc.

Or they may be very sincere and respectful, but not fully able to understand some finer points. Those people are easier to work with. You can ask somebody to suggest learning material to them. That way you avoid becoming the go to person for their learning.

If you have the standing in your work environment, you can suggest that a less important idea be revisited in a later meeting. Of course with respect to the hierarchy of power, not insulting somebody important. A lot of times people don't revisit things after they are set aside. So bad ideas might die a natural death. You can only hope.

If they are persistent with their ideas, maybe they can be assigned to investigate it themselves. That can stop a bad or useless idea in it's tracks. I have found very pleasant people will do their own research if it is suggested. Others who are less willing would rather have other people figure out the merits of their ideas for them in a meeting rather than figure it out themselves. And that can be supremely annoying.

The actor John Cleese made a video a very long time ago. It is entitled, "Meeting Robbers." It is helpful in arming yourself. If that isn't available any more, YouTube is a great resource. You can search for information on meeting robbers, then learn some ways to cope with them, and maybe counteract the distracting things.

L.S.

Hi everyone,
I love this discussion and relate to many of the comments! One thing I wanted to share in case anyone reads this and is struggling socially is that I've found that you can sometimes find others once you join interest-based groups which are your real and true **unrestrained** complex intellectual and performative interests. There are entire fields of similar minds - in fact the most complex, interesting and abstract fields of human endeavor were probably created by minds like yours! Why not join in and find playmates? :) Find the activities that stretch and interest you and there's no need to limit yourself to just one or two. ;)

Although I don't know if this works for exceptionally and profoundly gifted folks because of their statistical rarity (since I am probably only highly gifted), I do know that in my fields of interest - math, physics and philosophy - up to the highest IQs find a home and are highly valued. Since I can be in their communication range, I often feel protective of those with higher IQs than me, and can relate to their daily existential bafflement and sense of isolation. If not caused by an actual mental disorder, I believe that many of our social "problems" are actually due to a lack of socialization of appropriate depth, logic and complexity. So being around people as smart as you (or smarter) and who still manage to be successful and fulfilled can remedy this somewhat.

I realize now that I was probably simply lucky that I ended up in academia because it meant that I was surrounded by other minds like me and was not so isolated. I've since met extremely intelligent people who never got channeled into intellectual communities and they seem to struggle with isolation and self-confusion a lot more. Just some food for thought~! It's never too late.

Much love and care to all of you,
L. (she/her)
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PBT

Same. Reading through here has made me feel like maybe I could still exist somewhere somehow. Of course maybe I'm actually a dumb dumb that thinks I resonate what everyone else saying here. So who knows! Pretty sure it's certain my mind works different tho.

Maggy Seebode

I never thought I could relate to someone so much. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. You have no idea how much comfort I find in them.

Connie

My IQ has not been tested. The realization that I am smarter than most people has given me much peace. It explains my impatience with irate stupid commercials and comedy shows with laugh tracks and other day to day events others find amusing. Now I just think okay, I'm different. Not better or more amazing, just different. It is comforting not to be bothered by these things anymore.
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Maggy Seebode

I feel ya, girl. Ironically, I just figured out that I'm more than just kinda smart at 20 years old. I realize my intense emotions, the way my brain processes information, my difficulty processing thoughts before moving on to the next one, difficulty being motivated, trouble making connections with people, stupid people being patronizing to me, and feeling depressed and bored makes so much sense.

Pete

Man. This is the first article I’ve read that aligns with how I navigate within the world. I’ve thought that the world is not set up for highly intelligent people. Especially ones who’ve fallen through the cracks.

I had to have myself tested a few times. Once as a child and another time as an adult. I was hoping as an adult my “IQ” would have lowered (as I partied rather hard as a teenager and remember thinking perhaps this will eliminate a few brain cells.) I remember the psychologist being very giddy to show me my scores and my reaction was like “ugh, I know.”

I also had an in depth aptitude test which was really humiliating: The top job was “professor”
and the second job was “religious leader/clergy.” (I grew up with virtually no religion.) The job I was least suited for-Factory Worker. I became a factory worker until I finally finished my degree. Really horrible. The factory and getting my degree-never attended my graduation.

I’ve learned the whole system of dominance and being a subordinate. Teachers, Supervisors and friends like you more when they assume you’re less intelligent. I’ll never ask to be promoted at work and I’ll never go for any advanced degrees. At the end of the day…it’s pointless.

I never talk about my intelligence and will observe others around me and see when I can unleash elements of it. I have to gage it. Because, it’s risky.

I can clearly remember my existential crisis starting around 9. At 11 years old, we had to write poems for a city wide contest. I won. It was super embarrassing and traumatic. The poem and my face was printed in the news paper.
Having adults ask me about the “metaphorical imagery” was annoying or they thought I needed to be taken down a few notches. I also had to learn how to fight school yard bullies after that. “You think you’re smart huh?” I vowed to never write publicly again.

Doing research on my family-I believe there was a true genius. Hidden-but a genius never the less.

I have developed a very rich and vivid Paracosm. It’s a great coping mechanism.
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Claire

Pete, I relate so much to your comments / experience.

I came to this article after a failed attempt to write for work (I work for a small enviro magazine) about something deeply meaningful to me but a bit subtle and complex; I sabotaged the whole thing with extreme procrastination, had my perspective grossly misunderstood (critiquing society's current dominant mode of knee-jerk oppositionality means I'm a nazi apologist, apparently), and because I left it so late I had to hand over the first rough draft which was way too abstruse and over-thought and absolutely not ready to be looked at by anyone else.

As a working-class person who reads and learns voraciously and thinks abstractly and conceptually, and who also abandoned any idea of post-secondary education after realizing I will never have patience to get through first-year level courses, I never really properly developed the ability to organize my thoughts well enough so that I can communicate them to others in writing. When I get a response like the one I got today, in which my mentor EXPEMPLIFIED the pigeonholing/oppositional stupidity that I was trying in a gentle way to critique at the society-wide level, here's what I think to myself: "Writing is hard. Still, I would like to try. But what is the point of trying, with great difficulty, to overcome my habits of self-sabotaging / procrastination and developing the skills to try to communicate my ideas to others, when their minds contain certain resistant elements that likely will prevent them from taking any meaning from it, even if I manage to express it well?"

I'm realizing how isolated I have always felt and the deep, lifelong pain I have about being trapped in my own world and unable to express what's in my own mind, and bring it into the world outside. It is incredibly isolating. I'm in my early 40s and it's only in the last few years that I've started to understand, objectively, the lack of intelligence most people have. I always look for the best in people and I deeply believe that people have value far beyond their IQ. That, plus the human tendency to project one's own self onto others, has prevented me, until now, from seeing the rather stark and depressing situation as it is.

Playing the dominance and subordination game - yup. The whole dynamic of engaging with people and systems that have more power but less intelligence than you just makes you pull back, disinvest yourself, and basically disengage, which is really tragic and crushes the possibility of making a real contribution.

It's been really good to read the comments here, a balm to make me feel not so alone. I'm grateful for the practical advice I gleaned from your comment, to observe others carefully before trying to express myself. Take care out there.

Sean

Reading this helped me to feel less alone. At 53, I'm finally coming to realize that the great majority of folks aren't going to grok much of what I say. It's kind of a terrible realization.
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George Johnson

I reply to you because you used the Heinlein term "Grok". Can't describe how much "Stranger in a Strange Land" affected me many moons ago.
Just read the article and identify with it. I'm a 77 year old dude who has long had difficulty finding others to communicate with. So, I get along, have done fairly well, but have just one close (intellectually compatible) friend left (other than my wife) after all these years.
I am a Vietnam veteran (tried to be patriotic), retired and totally frustrated with all political idiots in charge.
Cheers

Beth G

Wow, absolutely love this article. I feel as if it was written for me as I was raising my very very very smart child, who was misunderstood, labeled, and ridiculed by teachers, staff, students, and neighbor alike in K-1. I started appreciating the uniqueness of SK when he was 4 and started kicking in his carseat throwing a solo-imposed fit as his big sister was not in the car. "SK," I queried, "Why are you so bothered? Your sister is not here to tease you!" His answer, "I was thinking about infinity and I don't know why it doesn't end." These type of SK-isms flowed throughout his childhood...Once when I was trying to avert another melt down in the car, I pointed to some interesting shaped buildings and asked him to identify shapes. Instead, at age 4 or 5, he said to me, "Mom, have you ever thought about living in 2 dimensions rather than 3?" He was deemed insubordinate by his kindergarten teacher for making complex patterns with 7 shapes rather than 3, "as instructed." I nearly fell off my chair as the teacher complained about this. The best thing my husband and I did was pull him out of public school, which he described, at age 6, as dulling his brain, and placed him in an experiential school through 4th grade. When I placed him back in public school, I suggested to him that he have two ways of acting, one a bit dumbed down in school, so that he did not have to deal with explaining things that no else would understand and the other, full-bloom exploration at home where we would explore questions about the space-time continuum, how we got here ("you know, Mom, the earth, moon, gravity"), the meaning of life and how religion plays a role. In 5th grade, we received a phone call from the school. "Yes?" I inquired "Umm, SK just took a guided math test. He scored in the high 10th grade level. We think he is gifted." "Yes, I said, I knew this all along, even as your school deemed him unteachable." By 9th grade, we moved the entire family from northern New England to NYC where all three children (whom I consider gifted), could explore being whole, without the constraints of small town expectations. It was a good move. SK and his younger sister, O, went to a school where thinking differently was embraced. Org Chem was his favorite course. He got to intern in a virology lab at a major teaching institution in NYC from 9th -12th grade doing molecular mapping on drug research projects. When he graduated from high school, I pleaded with him not to jump into college right away. He took my lead and got a one-year internship at a large construction company in their design department doing 3D modeling from blue prints. He recently graduated with a degree in chemical engineering, and works as an engineer on "greening" buildings in NYC. His favorite pastime is to sit on his city stoop with his rescue cat, observing the passerbys. I am sure they are both observing the street life in a way that most of could not imagine.
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Kredmanee S.

I’m so blessed and so lucky for finding out this article. It’s hit my point so hard and directly. Definitely going to help me a lot from now on.
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robert mcintyre

Wonderful insight. A description of my life. In a job performance review I was brutally told that I was the smartest person in the room and knew it. Being bright is a mixed blessing. I feel like I live in a world where people just don’t get it.
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CGB

I attended a leadership training class once where the instructor said "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, you probably aren't. There is always somebody who is going to know something you don't."
The problem with that assessment is that the two sentences don't correlate. If you put Albert Einstein, Richard Feynman, and Enrico Fermi in a room together, you might be hard pressed to discover who was the smartest in the room. But if you took any one of those three men and put them in a room with people of average intelligence, there likely would be an average person who knew something Albert Einstein didn't. But that wouldn't change the fact that Einstein was the smartest person in the room.

Tired and Disgruntled

Thank you so much for writing this! You've allowed me to look into a mirror that reflects my actual experiences, not a caricature of social media one-liners.

I don't know if I'm "very very smart," but you have put into words things that world denies because I'm treated either like I'm very stupid, criminal, and/or like a crazy person.

I will print this article, study it, and learn from it.

Thank you.
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Barry Lee Talley |||

I understand the full regards of this situation especially when it comes to others feeling as if I am mad. It truly kills my self esteem, well the little bit of self esteem I can build up to say the least and just really angers, confuses me and just makes me so frustrated, Because in all honesty these people that call me mad just seem uninterested in truly what I find interest in and due to this they regard me as mad even though I sacrifice my own time to show them enough respect to build or create an understanding of their own interests for myself.

MG

Thanks for writing! The section describing bad advice is spot on. I've spent too much of my life adhering to platitudes and folk wisdom which I later realize are wrong. Also, the beginning section on appearing braggadocious is spot on. Sometimes I just want to share information with others but I abstain for fear of it coming across as a "flex".
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Daniel Anthony

Great article; I have always discovered [initially] during my younger years I was given 'special' attention or precedence over others easily-- I am apparently quite gifted with an asymmetric face (please known I am not bragging). Life was always easy for me (I am now 31) yet I always found myself having to face friends jealousy or anger for no reason at all-- at least nothing I had done; I would literally find myself the target of someone's anger because it took attention away from them; which for a time caused me to really try and be invisible-- which had no success either. Unfortunately I've lost several friends because of this despite my best to not let this happen.
In my mid 2ps to late 20s I also found myself the target of incredibly selfish people whom only used me as a tool to make them incredible amounts of money... only to be told false lies and wasting years if my life making others fortunes.. not that I didnt do well myself... I just could and should be much further in my career. This aspect along with essentially being the outlier and seemingly having no one remotely capable of communicating with or understanding me at all... In reality these "gifts" I've come to feel are more like curses. but ironically, I can't be depressed or sad because I'm extremely gifted.... The inability to get some pf the most important people in your life to understand you is quite exhausting as well... but hey I can only imagine as humans continue to make strides in A.I. how it will be then... Most of pop culture is already making the gap even larger.
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Mia Let

Appreciate the post. I'm young but have had a rough life. Whilst I'm learning more and working myself out articles like this really make me feel like I make sense. It's hard understanding yourself (especially in the deep, complex ways I self-reflect) without information about intelligence and a well rounded view on it's affects being readily available. I feel like I just read the "last piece of the puzzle" even though it's not the last piece it's definitely a crucial piece in understanding what parts of my mental health journey have been as a result of my intelligence. Moreover, how I can self manage it in a world that doesn't really embrace intelligence.
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Justin R

Thank you. I almost can’t describe what it feels like to be so different seriously question if you belong on this planet at all. Or literally able to predict every word someone will say. Know things before they happen just because the patterns more obvious. The craving to talk to others who also want to build, designer, make better, create, imagine. pretty much save the world stuff
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Chiziterem

Want to form a group chat and see how it goes?

Kathy Lucas

Hi Justin, Ditto to what you said! I was fortunate to attend a small high school, where I was respected and admired because I was a "brain". Are you an Empath as well?

Brendan King

Thank you for writing this, it seriously made my day. I'm a 28 year old guy who this describes to T, I'm currently back out into the dating world 😑 and it is so HARD. I realized, whenever I message people I say these things that to me are just jokes, I'm just trying to be clever and funny (and admittedly impress them a bit, but that's how this stuff is supposed to work right?? ?), but they just don't get it. I realize, looking at their bios, that they just say everything straightforwardly; it's not like a game, they're not trying to be fun, they're just communicating. But it's like look, I can be straightforward and not try to be funny, BUT WHEN I DO IT ENDS UP BEING LIKE THIS; A DISSERTATION THAT NOBODY WANTS TO READ (which I get, but-).

I wish there was a dating app for gifted adults, that then separated the ones who made it out of childhood and are successful, and the ones like me that got eaten alive, and are now starving creative types who have to drench everything in 20 layers of sarcasm.
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L.S.

Love the idea of the dating app! I actually looked for this service, but of course it's tough to find. :)

kathleen Lillard

We get it Brendan.

I’ve adopted over time a secondary, more folksy personality to deploy on the many occasions when I’d rather not alienate or intimidate. I sort of enjoy it some times.

Goose

I think all the comments and their slightly negative narrative regarding the more "average" intelligence level individuals responses to more "intelligent" individuals achievements, misses what should be an obvious connection IMHO. For many of humanity that kind of ability differential is perceived as a possible threat. They know the more "intelligent" individual can potentially, outsmart, outperform, outmanoeuvre them at almost anything apparently. How can you trust that individual not to use that "leg up" at some point, in a competitive world, to your detriment? If anybody has seen quiz shows like "The Weakest Link" or even "Survivor"type shows they would know the perceived smartest contestant is often earmarked for removal as they are dangerous and a threat. It's really a fairly natural human response and "never" going to change. You are a potential threat, even if it is just a boss or a social connection where your intelligence stands out as over and above the referenced "average" individual. There is deemed a necessity to be aware and cautious of the potential for that intelligence to be used against you, without you even realising it. Some will choose not to be in that constant state of cautious assessment and avoid interaction altogether.
Of course the more "intelligent" individual will grasp these responses and may react by being more cautious themselves with how they present to others,though there will be some who simply think""bugger it", I don't care what others think.
That's my barely above average take on it, coming from a family of a little above average IQ testing.
I have a personal take on the whole intelligence level testing and measurement that throws a lot of this into a different area,including how and why individuals whom never performed well academically at school for example.go on to be have great success in various areas. Just what is "intelligence" really?
I like to think I'm intelligent enough to know,I have no real idea. Lol
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Nichol Piniak

I like your comment, I never looked at it that way. I think I'm going to print it, to remind myself now and than. I have had to work very hard to mask intelligence due to uninvited retaliation. The retaliations were more to due with false perceptions and pleasure of causing pain. Being creatively gifted I build a lot of things for our home that can look expensive. This has caused some very bad behavior from immediate neighbors, professionals who work hard to pay for things that come naturally to me. It sounds silly but there are avenues for people like lawyers to take the piss out of someone like me. I'm very kind, and not a match for these sorts of people, but they definitely like to use obtained knowledge to cause pain, if inclined that way. I don't even know if I'm organizing my thoughts right, so I'll stop here.

Thanks again,
Nichol

Tom

I am not exceptionally gifted, but my IQ was reported to be in the "moderately gifted" range, just one point shy of the Stanford–Binet minimum score to join MENSA. I believe I could have scored much better on the same IQ test just a few years later. I also have an inherited anxiety disorder that has made adhering to societal expectations very difficult. The discussion I had with a parent earlier today is most likely the reason I found myself on this website. It was pertaining to the problem I have communicating with people. As life progresses, I have tried to amend my speech to include more descriptive words and I have tried to present my objective from several different perspectives, hoping that my audience would understand the big picture, and this has only served to make me less understood.
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Steve Davenport

It takes a lot of effort to communicate with folks who do not grasp things as easily as you do.

Sometimes you can't bridge the gap, no matter how hard you try.

That being said, I absolutely adore being around super intelligent people. It's like I can jump in the deep end of the pool of intellectual bliss...

Audra

Multiple perspectives can be confusing for most people.

Craig Swisher

Yes! I particularly liked the system comment. I am in IT and want to know how it works. My coworkers and supervisors want a checklist of what to knock off. It doesn’t always work that way!
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Audra

Yes, I want to see the whole elephant. Then, explain to me the parts.

Ayumi Kiyomizu

Wow and here I thought I was alone in this! I have x2 PhD's, work as a test pilot, teach tae kwon do 3 days a week and for me it's nothing but a life. I used to be so proud of the things I've done and wanted to share that with others to inspire them and 99% of the time it had the opposite effect like resentment, jealousy, and sometimes their ire...

Now I just keep to myself, in my own little world watching things as they happen and smile because the work I do will bring about change. (disruptive tech ^^) To my brothers and sisters, wear your intelligence like a badge of honor because we were born this way! Now if only we had a flag...

<3
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ABCrane

I get it yes. I am a working class autodidact because I found that academia had many "intelligent" people but few creative folks beyond what they needed to express towards achieving a "career." I like to read and write on econ, philosophy, psychology, etc...but to innovate new tangible models beyond these sort of stale nonprofit/union/charity "solutions...abcrane08@gmail.com if you want to connect...what are your PhD's? (anyone in group reading this feel free to connect, my youtube channel is Project Integrity... or projectintegrity.biz

Pepito Illan

I feel identified with this

Mat Delano

Yep, it's interesting how we all accept differences in income, athletic ability, attractiveness, whatever, but somehow, differences in 'intelligence' not so much. My sense is that a higher IQ and more 'smarts' often enables a much better appreciation for the complexities, broader relationships, and the greater 'possibilities' inherent even in relatively prosaic things. So as far as mastering the 'social' aspects, usually the challenge is how to distill that broader POV into something more 'accessible' to a wider 'audience'. Which when 'ya think about it, is what great filmmakers, and other artists do all the time.
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Alopexla

I was placed in one of those gifted programs in elementary school. I left it because of the amount of attention it brought. The part about not learning skills is so very true. We can't be allowed to breeze by, it comes back to hurt. I withdrew completely from education and have wasted my talents. Pursuing art, literature and philosophy as a child while the others were playing baseball and amusing themselves with their own gas. Instead of college I ended up in the Army, only for so long as that was not a place I fit in either. I remember my commander frustrated that I was leaving the Army, it was validating. All these years I've worked as a mechanic, the engines and drive system, it's allowed me to reduce face time with other workers which I find exhausting. Whether professional or personal, relationships are so hard when it feels like you have to keep explaining. And wait while the troop figures out how to peel the banana. It can be like a prison to be intelligent and very introverted. If you add being physically imposing with immense strength all that that sounds like a blessing of genetics feels like everything but.
Children are lucky to have a source like this
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kathleen

oh yes all that explaining can wear you down . . .

Frank Connell

I'm very humbled by reading the comments above. I was just searching for reasons why I'm having conversations with others that are nowhere in sight, for years and years, happens usually in the darkness of night. I realize now, I'm not alone. I crawled in a hole, a long time ago, believed I was exiled, nowhere to go. I joined their ranks, tried to fit, never felt accepted, another misfit. Years have come and years have past, some have accepted me for who I am, for that I'm forever grateful. Still a weary traveler, walking a narrow trail, carrying a little more hope than the day before. Thanks to all (:
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Harry Houdini

The worst part about being intelligent, is that almost no one else understands you.

They are not – arrogant as it sounds – smart enough to understand your thoughts (and feelings.) Or maybe they just think and feel in different ways.

I guess its better to use the word 'different' than the word 'smart'. Because most of the bad consequences (aside from the overthinking) comes from simply being so different as to not being able to relate.

I have found, though, that by taking an interest in every single person, and trying to understand who they are at core, and how they became who they are, and how existence must be for them, the most uninteresting topic can become interesting. Trying to forget oneself and ones own interest, in conversation, can be deeply rewarding.

Scalyfradge Whopster Bligett-Snoodleguffer

Being intelligent is horrifying, you can generally envisage every situation many steps ahead but all the people around you can only see one step ahead. This means that people relentlessly tell you that you are stupid and wrong. When you are proven correct, people accuse you of cheating, because they were unable to see beyond their own noses. Intelligent people tend to be bullied to the ends of the Earth, 'tis a gift and a curse. A huge amount of solitude can help. Best wishes all. Cheerio!
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Reagan Grace

These comments are all too relatable. I feel exactly what you mean, and I can’t say these last few years have made it any better :p

Dano

That paragraph about not able to talk about it. Ie stfu about the challenges to intelligence, hits hard. a cycle of being possibly TOO independent because any problem must also have the solution . & efficiency in solving those problems?it can create a cycle of letdown. I think we all have a role to play in our communities & nations. If you aren't fulfilling your best role then you are going to waste. part of the reason you haven't found your proper home is because the world is constantly telling you to stfu & conform to lesser standards & if you dare map out how that thinking is wrong then you also are arrogant. Intelligent people are every bit as human in making mistakes but are sometimes treated as super humans & excessive expectations are applied towards intelligent people. The main takeaway is that we need to destigmatize intelligence & rather offer the best roles for these individuals for the better of all. It's just a crazy matrix to break out of sometimes & a side effect of a very statist, very obedience driven, cult like society. Our educational system was designed after a Prussian military model of education.
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Dan Cleary

The world is moving the wrong way for that my friend.

Science now takes a back seat to any group's personal offense of the science.

This is why math is now "racist" in California. So they removed advances mathematics classes to close the gap. This is why pi is rounded to 3 in many states. You should find out what states as their buildings and bridges will become progressively more lethal year by year. Side note, did you know that Black women have the smallest vaginal openings of any racial demographic on Earth? That's publishable, the explanation as to why is not as it is racist...

Everything I just mentioned is related and has to do with just 1 of many areas of science dealing with intelligence. Can you make the link?

James Watson did. He published some science that has subsequently been retracted and his Nobel Prize was rescinded due to his "lack of understanding in the field of genetics".

The Nobel Prize was awarded for his foundational work, along with Crick, which created the field of genetics.

Watson and Crick, the fathers of genetics and leaders of modern biology...

You see?

2+2 only equals 4 these days as long as no one is offended.

Also, side note, an infant's head is the controlling factor for female reproductive organ sizes.

This was the science published by the world leader in genetics who doesn't understand genetics. He was trying to help. Trying to remove the disparities we see in life for certain groups.

White Knights shut that help down and condemned those groups to suffer for eternity.

If you find what I just said offensive, then you're part of the problem. 2 and 2 equals 4 and always will. But today the masses are content with it equaling anything from "-0" to "dinner".

The stupid have won

Carey D Hartmann

Thank you for writing this. It made me cry.
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CGB

My mother would sometimes try to be my "interpreter" if she thought something I said was "too old" for the other kids. I guess she meant well, but it would divert attention away from my ideas, and sometimes it would diffuse the punchline.
For example, once when my family was out for a drive at night, and there were no other cars on the road, my dad stopped for a red light, and I said, "You always stop for a red light, even if there are no other cars on the road. Because if you don't, you may soon find out there's at least one other car on the road." My mother found it necessary to add, "Yeah, a Police car!" as if to imply nobody else got my point.

G Phillips

I don't like when people assume I didn't "get the joke" or "understand" what they are saying, because tend to skip ahead a few steps in the conversation to arrive at the conclusion. They will say, "No, I was saying... ," and am torn between saying telling them I understand, but skipped to this point... or letting them explain to me in their voice they use for small children and animals. (face palm either way)

kathleen lillard

Very much sympathy Carey. My mother wouldn’t let me know my i.q. because “you might get a fat head.”
Adolescence: “ You’re like someone from a different planet.”
I wonder if others of our ‘tribe’ felt the bafflement I did throughout childhood.

Saritz

To this end, there have been times that I have literally told someone that the most important thing that they might learn in high school may involve finding a healthy way to deal with people who have more power than them, but less intelligence.

If only, if only....I still haven't figured this out, to my detriment. One day. I'm struggling to teach this to my kids and I still haven't figured it out. But I'm a step ahead for them than I was for myself. At least I'm aware of this. No one explained this to me, probably because they didn't realize. My parents were of average intelligence. I still don't know where I came from. Great post. Thanks.
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Mahendra

Nice post. I'm not sure about my level of intelligence. But i find it difficult to build meaningful relationships simply because the other person doesn't seem to get my point even though it can be logically described, step by step. I'm genuinely inquisitive and feel unwanted in many social settings. Not sure if there are more like me.

Jiminy Kriket

It's more of a pick your battles thing, people with power will hold it over you. It's a sad life lesson, but you gotta learn when to let people have the power they are clutching because what they are holding onto is so insignificant.

Other times, you gotta stand up for yourself and say make me. Take the loss and let them bully you (required if you aren't going to bend from your most fundamental beliefs.)

I've always thought people would love to teach gifted kids. Didn't seem to be true. They told me they had me teaching the other kids, but it's like so what? That's fine, right? Helps us both.

The funny thing is... Norm MacDonald is always (unfairly) making fun of school teachers and saying they have the easiest job and they only have to be smarter than an x grader. Maybe that's some of their resentment, some people don't want to put in the extra work to deal with a child you can't stick in a corner.

But much love to everyone who took time out! Also teach kids to keep going and that eventually someone will stand up for them. Really, though, learning to just brute force through what the world calls 'bullying' is very important.

Because compromise isn't always an option, either, you make gifted kids compromise early (imo) you can give them complexes for life.

Etresia

Thank you.
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Possible smart guy

This article was comforting in the way it covered its topic but i found this article while trying to research where i could find more intelligent people to mingle with this means this website is tagged or in someway associated with the googling of "where do the smart people go" which seems like a form of entrapment.
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Heather

Yep - same thing happened to me. Maybe there are forces trying to keep us from taking over the world …. ;)

Just diagnosedsmart

I am 40, just went back to work after six years maternity leave, the Last six months has been harder at work than raising two kids 🤣

Possibly smarter gal

Haha yes it is a trap for all of the smart people who are looking for smarter people.

Miti

I’ve often viewed the cosmos as small spheres, I can see how they dance and jiggle when interacted with; how the greater system fits in place...

My mind has not changed since the age of 6

I see no limit to my intellectual hight.

Where do I find more like me?
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Unix Wizard

I have a friend who has about 135 IQ or something, he is very pragmatic and could be the closest thing to a walking decompiler. Trust me, buddy, searching for smart people in a sea of normies, is like grepping for a string used once in a directory of text files about 64 gigs in total, it takes a while to find but it's satisfying once it's done.

Jack

Having the highest IQ is a gift but being smart totally different.
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Bonnie Marshall

True that. I have been accused of thinking I'm better than them although I am a friendly person in general.

Amy

I was never attentive to the difference between the terms intelligent and smart until I read this comment. I learned now that people who call themselves "dumb" and compare themselves to smarter people don't realize that they have the ability to be as smart so long as they put in the work. However, with intelligence, it's a different story. As you say, one's level of intelligence is inborn and can be considered a gift.

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