In this article, Samuel Kohlenberg, LPC, discusses his observations and experiences with profoundly gifted students and young adults. Here are a few things he would like to tell them (as well as the people in their lives). Reprinted with permission from the author.
Being smart is really hard.
There may be people with high IQs who have an easy time in life; relationships are simple, work and school are a breeze, and they long ago addressed the existentialist questions that some of us might carry with us until the very end. I wish them well, and what follows is not about them.
In my practice, I have been able to observe and experience how the world treats young adults with superior intelligence. At times it can be pretty heartbreaking, and these are a few things that I wish I could tell all gifted young adults (as well as the people in their lives).
You’re not allowed to talk about it.
This is the message that brilliant people receive from the world. Because much of the world sees intelligence as a good thing, talking about it seems braggadocios, which is incredibly problematic. People with high IQs are outliers, and outliers are often a more difficult fit in many respects because the world is not made for them. You are different enough for it to be potentially problematic, but you are not allowed to acknowledge how you are different because to do so would be self-aggrandizing. Be more like everyone else, but don’t you dare address how you are different. Bright people who have internalized this message may go far out of their way not to talk about a fundamental difference that often contributes to difficulties in a number of areas.
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- Learning how and when to acknowledge your own intelligence instead of sidestepping the subject can be incredibly important, and sometimes this means learning how to talk about it tactfully. One of my favorite quotes happens to be on tact:
“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
- -Winston S. Churchill [attributed but disputed]. Learning to talk about how you are different without turning people off may mean that your needs actually start getting met…
Trying is a skill.
If you’re so smart, why aren’t work and school easy all of the time? If you have had a lifetime of being able to intuit your way through school or work, it also means that you have a lifetime of not cultivating the skill of trying. Some gifted teens and adults get to high school, college, or sometimes the workplace, and all of a sudden a completely undeveloped skill set relating to trying is required of them, and nobody is telling them that that is what is going on.
So how do you learn how to try? I recommend finding something that is low-stakes (meaning that it is not going to affect your grades or your work life) and that does not come to you easily. For many, such activities may include learning a new language, mastering a musical instrument, martial arts, team sports, or visual arts. Now that you have found something to try at, commit a significant portion of your week to it. Cultivating a new skill takes time, and the skill of trying is no different.
People can’t tell how sensitive you are.
A common trait amongst the gifted is that the outward expression of emotional states can be more subtle than in the rest of the population. You can be feeling things very deeply without anyone knowing, and that can be a painful and isolating experience. I wish that I could tell every gifted person that people are not missing you intentionally, and you are not alone. This tendency is relatively common, but very rarely talked about.
One way to attack this potentially painful dynamic is to tell people what you are feeling. You might be surprised at how effective verbally disclosing your emotional state can be. Habitually saying things like “I know that I don’t always show it, but I’m super happy right now” can be a total game-changer in some cases.
Existential crises happen a lot earlier, bigger, and more often.
For many gifted people, looking at a lamppost is a different experience than it is for the rest of the world. They do not just see a lamppost. They see an imagined history of how the materials that comprise the post were sourced, manufactured, and installed. They see the way that the lamp is connected to a power grid like a cell in a greater organism of a city and how they fit into that system. Imagine then, for a moment, what it must be like for such a person to turn their attention to their existence and what it means to be human.
The world is ready for angsty teenagers. The brooding 15 –year-old is a cinematic trope for a reason. People are less prepared for 6-year-olds in the midst of an existential crisis befitting a 40-year-old. Not only does it not fit the script, but it may be contributing to depression for decades to come.
Finding meaning is important. I recommend reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Thoughtfully explore how you make meaning in the realms of interpersonal relationships, how you spend your time, and what you enjoy doing/feel called to do.
The rest of the world isn’t going to change.
Learning to do well with people or with organizations (school, work, etc.) that are a less than optimal fit can be amazingly important, and you may as well figure out how to do this sooner rather than later. This idea comes up a lot when I talk to people about they way they fit in (or don’t…) at work or school. While finding optimal fit can be very important, learning how to work well with people who are different from you can be important too. For many people whose minds make them statistical outliers, learning to do this early in life has the potential to save a lot of discomfort.
To this end, there have been times that I have literally told someone that the most important thing that they might learn in high school may involve finding a healthy way to deal with people who have more power than them, but less intelligence.
Stop trying to do things their way.
One of the most agonizing things that I get to witness is the conflation of means with ends. Well-intentioned bosses, teachers, family members, and friends are often generous with advice when you have difficulty. The unfortunate reality is that following their advice does not guarantee that you will be able to overcome the obstacle before you.
I am sorry to say that there does not seem to be a one-size-fits-all answer. I have noticed a trend, however, that many of the gifted people that I work with have an easier time when they are able to learn things as a system and not as a series of steps or isolated facts. In other words, understanding how things fit together as a system is often a more helpful goal than memorizing a list.
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While this blog post may be of some help to those who know or who work with people with very high IQs, the real intended audience is adults who are too smart for their own good. While there is a seemingly inexhaustible list of topics that one could cover in such an article, I have intentionally picked the ones that I think have the most clinical utility and may receive less attention than they should. Awareness changes relationship, and it is my hope that awareness of a few of the ideas presented here makes life easier for someone. It is unlikely that the world is going to change anytime soon, but changing the way that you relate to it may yield a more comfortable fit.
Comments
L.S.
I love this discussion and relate to many of the comments! One thing I wanted to share in case anyone reads this and is struggling socially is that I've found that you can sometimes find others once you join interest-based groups which are your real and true **unrestrained** complex intellectual and performative interests. There are entire fields of similar minds - in fact the most complex, interesting and abstract fields of human endeavor were probably created by minds like yours! Why not join in and find playmates? :) Find the activities that stretch and interest you and there's no need to limit yourself to just one or two. ;)
Although I don't know if this works for exceptionally and profoundly gifted folks because of their statistical rarity (since I am probably only highly gifted), I do know that in my fields of interest - math, physics and philosophy - up to the highest IQs find a home and are highly valued. Since I can be in their communication range, I often feel protective of those with higher IQs than me, and can relate to their daily existential bafflement and sense of isolation. If not caused by an actual mental disorder, I believe that many of our social "problems" are actually due to a lack of socialization of appropriate depth, logic and complexity. So being around people as smart as you (or smarter) and who still manage to be successful and fulfilled can remedy this somewhat.
I realize now that I was probably simply lucky that I ended up in academia because it meant that I was surrounded by other minds like me and was not so isolated. I've since met extremely intelligent people who never got channeled into intellectual communities and they seem to struggle with isolation and self-confusion a lot more. Just some food for thought~! It's never too late.
Much love and care to all of you,
L. (she/her)
Connie
Pete
I had to have myself tested a few times. Once as a child and another time as an adult. I was hoping as an adult my “IQ” would have lowered (as I partied rather hard as a teenager and remember thinking perhaps this will eliminate a few brain cells.) I remember the psychologist being very giddy to show me my scores and my reaction was like “ugh, I know.”
I also had an in depth aptitude test which was really humiliating: The top job was “professor”
and the second job was “religious leader/clergy.” (I grew up with virtually no religion.) The job I was least suited for-Factory Worker. I became a factory worker until I finally finished my degree. Really horrible. The factory and getting my degree-never attended my graduation.
I’ve learned the whole system of dominance and being a subordinate. Teachers, Supervisors and friends like you more when they assume you’re less intelligent. I’ll never ask to be promoted at work and I’ll never go for any advanced degrees. At the end of the day…it’s pointless.
I never talk about my intelligence and will observe others around me and see when I can unleash elements of it. I have to gage it. Because, it’s risky.
I can clearly remember my existential crisis starting around 9. At 11 years old, we had to write poems for a city wide contest. I won. It was super embarrassing and traumatic. The poem and my face was printed in the news paper.
Having adults ask me about the “metaphorical imagery” was annoying or they thought I needed to be taken down a few notches. I also had to learn how to fight school yard bullies after that. “You think you’re smart huh?” I vowed to never write publicly again.
Doing research on my family-I believe there was a true genius. Hidden-but a genius never the less.
I have developed a very rich and vivid Paracosm. It’s a great coping mechanism.
Sean
Beth G
Kredmanee S.
robert mcintyre
Tired and Disgruntled
I don't know if I'm "very very smart," but you have put into words things that world denies because I'm treated either like I'm very stupid, criminal, and/or like a crazy person.
I will print this article, study it, and learn from it.
Thank you.
Barry Lee Talley |||
MG
Daniel Anthony
In my mid 2ps to late 20s I also found myself the target of incredibly selfish people whom only used me as a tool to make them incredible amounts of money... only to be told false lies and wasting years if my life making others fortunes.. not that I didnt do well myself... I just could and should be much further in my career. This aspect along with essentially being the outlier and seemingly having no one remotely capable of communicating with or understanding me at all... In reality these "gifts" I've come to feel are more like curses. but ironically, I can't be depressed or sad because I'm extremely gifted.... The inability to get some pf the most important people in your life to understand you is quite exhausting as well... but hey I can only imagine as humans continue to make strides in A.I. how it will be then... Most of pop culture is already making the gap even larger.
Mia Let
Justin R
Brendan King
I wish there was a dating app for gifted adults, that then separated the ones who made it out of childhood and are successful, and the ones like me that got eaten alive, and are now starving creative types who have to drench everything in 20 layers of sarcasm.
L.S.
kathleen Lillard
I’ve adopted over time a secondary, more folksy personality to deploy on the many occasions when I’d rather not alienate or intimidate. I sort of enjoy it some times.
Goose
Of course the more "intelligent" individual will grasp these responses and may react by being more cautious themselves with how they present to others,though there will be some who simply think""bugger it", I don't care what others think.
That's my barely above average take on it, coming from a family of a little above average IQ testing.
I have a personal take on the whole intelligence level testing and measurement that throws a lot of this into a different area,including how and why individuals whom never performed well academically at school for example.go on to be have great success in various areas. Just what is "intelligence" really?
I like to think I'm intelligent enough to know,I have no real idea. Lol
Tom
Steve Davenport
Sometimes you can't bridge the gap, no matter how hard you try.
That being said, I absolutely adore being around super intelligent people. It's like I can jump in the deep end of the pool of intellectual bliss...
Audra
Craig Swisher
Audra
Ayumi Kiyomizu
Now I just keep to myself, in my own little world watching things as they happen and smile because the work I do will bring about change. (disruptive tech ^^) To my brothers and sisters, wear your intelligence like a badge of honor because we were born this way! Now if only we had a flag...
<3
ABCrane
Pepito Illan
Mat Delano
Alopexla
Children are lucky to have a source like this
kathleen
Frank Connell
Harry Houdini
They are not – arrogant as it sounds – smart enough to understand your thoughts (and feelings.) Or maybe they just think and feel in different ways.
I guess its better to use the word 'different' than the word 'smart'. Because most of the bad consequences (aside from the overthinking) comes from simply being so different as to not being able to relate.
I have found, though, that by taking an interest in every single person, and trying to understand who they are at core, and how they became who they are, and how existence must be for them, the most uninteresting topic can become interesting. Trying to forget oneself and ones own interest, in conversation, can be deeply rewarding.
Scalyfradge Whopster Bligett-Snoodleguffer
Reagan Grace
Dano
Carey D Hartmann
CGB
For example, once when my family was out for a drive at night, and there were no other cars on the road, my dad stopped for a red light, and I said, "You always stop for a red light, even if there are no other cars on the road. Because if you don't, you may soon find out there's at least one other car on the road." My mother found it necessary to add, "Yeah, a Police car!" as if to imply nobody else got my point.
G Phillips
kathleen lillard
Adolescence: “ You’re like someone from a different planet.”
I wonder if others of our ‘tribe’ felt the bafflement I did throughout childhood.
Saritz
If only, if only....I still haven't figured this out, to my detriment. One day. I'm struggling to teach this to my kids and I still haven't figured it out. But I'm a step ahead for them than I was for myself. At least I'm aware of this. No one explained this to me, probably because they didn't realize. My parents were of average intelligence. I still don't know where I came from. Great post. Thanks.
Mahendra
Jiminy Kriket
Other times, you gotta stand up for yourself and say make me. Take the loss and let them bully you (required if you aren't going to bend from your most fundamental beliefs.)
I've always thought people would love to teach gifted kids. Didn't seem to be true. They told me they had me teaching the other kids, but it's like so what? That's fine, right? Helps us both.
The funny thing is... Norm MacDonald is always (unfairly) making fun of school teachers and saying they have the easiest job and they only have to be smarter than an x grader. Maybe that's some of their resentment, some people don't want to put in the extra work to deal with a child you can't stick in a corner.
But much love to everyone who took time out! Also teach kids to keep going and that eventually someone will stand up for them. Really, though, learning to just brute force through what the world calls 'bullying' is very important.
Because compromise isn't always an option, either, you make gifted kids compromise early (imo) you can give them complexes for life.
Etresia
Possible smart guy
Heather
Just diagnosedsmart
Possibly smarter gal
Miti
My mind has not changed since the age of 6
I see no limit to my intellectual hight.
Where do I find more like me?
Jack
Bonnie Marshall
Amy