The following blog post was submitted by Erin Morris Miller, PhD.
It has been 26 years since I first joined the world of gifted education. I was 24 when I entered the doctoral program in educational psychology-gifted at the University of Virginia. I finished my coursework in spring of 2003 and the following summer I had my first child. I defended my PhD in 2006, and that June had my second child.
I always put my kids first and my career second, but I stayed engaged. I presented at the annual conference of the National Association for Gifted every year. I took on leadership roles and published papers. One of the great things about raising kids with high academic ability, when you yourself are growing as a scholar in gifted ed, is that you can go to the best for advice when you have a challenge. These are several of the most important lessons I learned from these scholars.
School Refusal
My son was against the institution of education. He found the idea of joining with other students of a similar age to learn an established curriculum to be offensive to his sense of self and freedom. He would not participate in assessment for gifted services because in his words, “I don’t even like that teacher, why would I want to spend more time with her.” His school goal was to get his work done as soon as possible so that he could be alone with his own thoughts and interests. Most of his time he wanted to focus on stop-motion film, photography, Boy Scouts, and video game lore.
I turned to Silvia Rimm and Barbara Kerr for advice.
Sylvia Rimm: You cannot make a strong-willed child like school. You can make them go, but you can’t make them like it. Never try to break that spirit. If you push too hard, it will backfire. You must let your children live on their own terms and trust that they will find their paths in adulthood. Some children have personalities that make good adults, but are challenging when they are young. You can tempt a gifted child to love school by crediting daily things that are positive about school. It would likely include changing curriculum so that it is appropriate. If he is a perfectionist, helping him to deal with challenge, if curriculum is not challenging enough, the curriculum may need to be changed to make it more meaningful. Certainly if it’s too easy, curriculum needs to be adjusted.
Barbara Kerr: Kids don’t have to be well-rounded. Lean into that strong interest your kid has and support him. Creative professions take single-mindedness, so encourage it.
It was hard to not push him. I had to trust the advice that I was given. It was counter to everyday wisdom about parenting. But, they were right. Today my son is completing his MFA.
Working with Teachers
With my daughter I faced the more common challenges of parenting a gifted child. Boredom. Desire to move faster through the curriculum. Discovering she knew more about a topic than her teacher. Being used as a mini-teacher.
There are teachers who want to work with you, but also many who do not. Gifted children are one of the few groups of learners where it is social acceptable for teachers to say, “I just don’t like those kids.” My daughter also identifies as part of the LGBTQ community. This was more challenging as we live in a rural area and her school administrators were not supportive. I have a passionate nature. The guidance I received helped me stay balanced in my interactions.
Carol Tomlinson: Start with offering help and resources. Go in with the belief that the teacher wants to work with you. But after you have tried everything in your toolbox, it is OK to show a little sternness.
James Gallagher: Never assume that anyone cares or even knows about what you care about. If you want to have a voice, you need to have a seat at the table. PTA, parent advisory, whatever organization. But no one is making you do that. Make a choice of what investment you want to make, and revise your expectations accordingly.
Sally Reis: You can be an advocate and work for the improvement of public education while choosing a different kind of education for your children. If your local school system is not meeting your needs you can leave without feeling guilty. It is not a bad look. Just because your job is working to make educational better for all, that does not mean you don’t get to choose the best situation for your own child.
Terry Friedrichs: You will never be sorry that you advocated too hard for your LGBTQ child. Sometimes you have to be unpleasant. Even if you cannot get what your child needs, they will remember how hard you tried.
We made it through. Sometimes it was great and sometimes it was hard. My great-grandfather said that at some point parenting becomes less about about control, and more about containment. The negatives were contained and the positives were emphasized with the help of these scholars.
Twice-Exceptionality
My daughter had multiple ear/nose/throat issues as a baby and it was clear early on that she had some auditory challenges. Carolyn Callahan was my main mentor. I talked with her about the possibility that my daughter might be twice-exceptional. She gave me two pieces of advice that led to one of the most important educational decisions I made. The advice:
- Try to get the gifted label before the learning disability label. The first label is often the one that establishes expectations.
- Improved mental health is a goal that can go on a 504 plan.
My daughter was able to compensate for auditory processing disorder until she was a junior in high school and went to an advanced program. I did have to pay out of pocket for the assessments for the diagnosis because she was a straight-A student. I was thankful for the advice about mental health as a goal for her 504 plan. Her accommodations were simple (preferential seating, noise reduction during testing, written instructions on assignments) and resulted in less stress and strain from having to compensate. She understands both of her exceptionalities, making for a strong sense of self.
Am I a Good Mother
Above all what parents what to know is whether they are doing the right things and are good parents. I was lucky that my job allowed me to work with some of the wisest individuals in gifted education. These reminders that I could do this, and to relax, helped me make it through.
Annemarie Roeper: In the end it is your tender heart that your children will remember. Your gentle light and love.
Dorothy Sisk: There is no such thing as book that is too silly if it is bringing your child joy. Joy in reading is the goal. Graphic novels? Books about Lego characters? Just keep reading. Keep celebrating joy.
LeoNora Cohen: It is likely that everything that you have written will fade into obscurity. But the parent that you were to your children will go on forever. Engendering the growth of others is a contribution that will flow into the future.
People who meet and get to know my young adult children often comment on what I good job I did raising them. I am happy with how they turned out. There are many factors at play here: a good father, stable home, a concordant match of nature and nurture, and more. But one important contributor is that I trusted in the expertise of scholars. They never steered me wrong.
Permission Statement
This blog posted was submitted by Erin Morris Miller, PhD.
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
Comments