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Understanding Very, Very Smart People

In this article, Samuel Kohlenberg, LPC, discusses his observations and experiences with profoundly gifted students and young adults. Here are a few things he would like to tell them (as well as the people in their lives).

Being smart is really hard.
There may be people with high IQs who have an easy time in life; relationships are simple, work and school are a breeze, and they long ago addressed the existentialist questions that some of us might carry with us until the very end. I wish them well, and what follows is not about them.

In my practice, I have been able to observe and experience how the world treats young adults with superior intelligence. At times it can be pretty heartbreaking, and these are a few things that I wish I could tell all gifted young adults (as well as the people in their lives).

You’re not allowed to talk about it.

This is the message that brilliant people receive from the world. Because much of the world sees intelligence as a good thing, talking about it seems braggadocios, which is incredibly problematic. People with high IQs are outliers, and outliers are often a more difficult fit in many respects because the world is not made for them. You are different enough for it to be potentially problematic, but you are not allowed to acknowledge how you are different because to do so would be self-aggrandizing. Be more like everyone else, but don’t you dare address how you are different. Bright people who have internalized this message may go far out of their way not to talk about a fundamental difference that often contributes to difficulties in a number of areas.h

    Learning how and when to acknowledge your own intelligence instead of sidestepping the subject can be incredibly important, and sometimes this means learning how to talk about it tactfully. One of my favorite quotes happens to be on tact: “Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.” -Winston S. Churchill [attributed but disputed]. Learning to talk about how you are different without turning people off may mean that your needs actually start getting met…

Trying is a skill.

If you’re so smart, why aren’t work and school easy all of the time? If you have had a lifetime of being able to intuit your way through school or work, it also means that you have a lifetime of not cultivating the skill of trying. Some gifted teens and adults get to high school, college, or sometimes the workplace, and all of a sudden a completely undeveloped skill set relating to trying is required of them, and nobody is telling them that that is what is going on.

So how do you learn how to try? I recommend finding something that is low-stakes (meaning that it is not going to affect your grades or your work life) and that does not come to you easily. For many, such activities may include learning a new language, mastering a musical instrument, martial arts, team sports, or visual arts. Now that you have found something to try at, commit a significant portion of your week to it. Cultivating a new skill takes time, and the skill of trying is no different.

People can’t tell how sensitive you are.

A common trait amongst the gifted is that the outward expression of emotional states can be more subtle than in the rest of the population. You can be feeling things very deeply without anyone knowing, and that can be a painful and isolating experience. I wish that I could tell every gifted person that people are not missing you intentionally, and you are not alone. This tendency is relatively common, but very rarely talked about.

One way to attack this potentially painful dynamic is to tell people what you are feeling. You might be surprised at how effective verbally disclosing your emotional state can be. Habitually saying things like “I know that I don’t always show it, but I’m super happy right now” can be a total game-changer in some cases.

Existential crises happen a lot earlier, bigger, and more often.

For many gifted people, looking at a lamppost is a different experience than it is for the rest of the world. They do not just see a lamppost. They see an imagined history of how the materials that comprise the post were sourced, manufactured, and installed. They see the way that the lamp is connected to a power grid like a cell in a greater organism of a city and how they fit into that system. Imagine then, for a moment, what it must be like for such a person to turn their attention to their existence and what it means to be human.

The world is ready for angsty teenagers. The brooding 15 –year-old is a cinematic trope for a reason. People are less prepared for 6-year-olds in the midst of an existential crisis befitting a 40-year-old. Not only does it not fit the script, but it may be contributing to depression for decades to come.

Finding meaning is important. I recommend reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Thoughtfully explore how you make meaning in the realms of interpersonal relationships, how you spend your time, and what you enjoy doing/feel called to do.

The rest of the world isn’t going to change.

Learning to do well with people or with organizations (school, work, etc.) that are a less than optimal fit can be amazingly important, and you may as well figure out how to do this sooner rather than later. This idea comes up a lot when I talk to people about they way they fit in (or don’t…) at work or school. While finding optimal fit can be very important, learning how to work well with people who are different from you can be important too. For many people whose minds make them statistical outliers, learning to do this early in life has the potential to save a lot of discomfort.

To this end, there have been times that I have literally told someone that the most important thing that they might learn in high school may involve finding a healthy way to deal with people who have more power than them, but less intelligence.

Stop trying to do things their way.

One of the most agonizing things that I get to witness is the conflation of means with ends. Well-intentioned bosses, teachers, family members, and friends are often generous with advice when you have difficulty. The unfortunate reality is that following their advice does not guarantee that you will be able to overcome the obstacle before you.

I am sorry to say that there does not seem to be a one-size-fits-all answer. I have noticed a trend, however, that many of the gifted people that I work with have an easier time when they are able to learn things as a system and not as a series of steps or isolated facts. In other words, understanding how things fit together as a system is often a more helpful goal than memorizing a list.

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While this blog post may be of some help to those who know or who work with people with very high IQs, the real intended audience is adults who are too smart for their own good. While there is a seemingly inexhaustible list of topics that one could cover in such an article, I have intentionally picked the ones that I think have the most clinical utility and may receive less attention than they should.

Awareness changes relationship, and it is my hope that awareness of a few of the ideas presented here makes life easier for someone. It is unlikely that the world is going to change anytime soon, but changing the way that you relate to it may yield a more comfortable fit.

Permission Statement

This article is reprinted with permission from Samuel Kohlenberg, LPC.

This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.

Comments

Other on 2/21/2021
I learned the shapes, colors, and my abc's at 2 years old. I taught myself to read at 3 years old. My mother took me to the library every week. I could count as high as you wanted me to at 3 or 4. I could count exponentially, by 100's ,10's, 5's and I was working on 2's. I remember thinking if I could learn all this before school (I couldn't wait to start) the place you go to learn everything must be glorious! Then I started. Preschool: Learn to count to 10. Learn the primary colors (cuz we weren't intellectually ready for secondary colors). Learn basic shapes; circle (but not oval, we might get confused), square (but not rectangle, can't tell the difference, right?), moon, and star. Learn the ABC song (just not necessarily well enough to understand that LMNO isn't one letter). In short things I had mastered 2 or more years previously. One year wasted. Kindergarten: Learn to count to 100. Learn secondary colors and associate them with animals (lions are yellow, turtles are green, monkeys are brown, pigs are pink). We still weren't ready for the oval or rectangle though. Learn the ABC song well enough to understand that LMNO is four different letters. Begin learning what the letters sound like. If you're lucky, you'll be able to read words like "at," "hat," "bat," or "cat" (I was reading chapter books by this time). Another year wasted. In Kindergarten I realized that I was smarter than my teacher by some of the things she taught. I don't recall specifics. It was, after all, a very long time ago. I do remember the feeling. How could I have any confidence in someone who didn't know basic beginner things. I mean, I was only 5 or 6 and I knew some things she taught were wrong. Those first 2 years taught me one thing; school had nothing to teach me. I checked out. I'm in my 40s now. I have mediocre job. I research and learn as I have my whole life, for myself on my own. I'll never be in a position of authority, I lack the ability to follow the directions of my bosses when I see something wrong with their ideas (which happens surprisingly often... though I should be used to it by now)... I wish I had the power to express how very much I see, how deeply I see, at just a glance. I wish I could express the curse of foresight when surrounded by people who won't or can't be bothered to even consider looking ahead. I went to college. I did well. I do wish someone would've finished the quote, though: yes you can do anything you want, just not everything. I have always been great at whatever I do; physics, math, chemistry, English, art, biology, writing, history. I have such a deep passion for so very many things. However... when it came time to pick a major, I froze. How can I pick just one? What if it turns out I can't do it? I mean there has to be a limit to my uncanny ability to know before I get there, doesn't there? What if I pick one then don't like it as much as I thought I would? First I chose nursing. Then biology. I dropped biology and went for chemistry. Then I dropped that in favor of physics and math. Then I dropped out. I went back for psychology, then art... A's all the way... then life happened. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I've got my mediocre job until I figure it out. In the primary school years no one knew what to do with me, not my parents, not my teachers. In college I didn't know what to do with myself. My brain just works differently. I see it clearly. I wish people would quit using the term "gifted." It's more of a curse than anything, especially when you've fallen through the cracks. It's elitist and demeans people of average normal ability. Cries of "we need to serve the gifted!" Are inevitably met with cries of "everyone is gifted!" Just thought I'd put that out there.
Other on 2/18/2021
Great article. As a younger man, I had little empathy and no patience for those whose brain did not work like mine. It slowed my career tremendously. So did undiagnosed ADD. When you can do things in 5 minutes that take others 50 minutes or even 5 hours, you can hide your ADD, even from yourself. I have worked hard to become a very good relater, and to integrate teams of people with diverse skills. But it is still seems like fingernails on a chalkboard when I have to listen to someone slowly and incoherently rambling about a subject. It is existentially frustrating that the general public cannot see connections and cause-effect relationships, and are so easily manipulated. Patience requires so much energy, it is sometimes completely exhausting. I relate strongly to characters like Dr. House and the Cumberbatch Sherlock, because they can openly display their impatience with idiots. Even though I learned many years ago that this is completely counterproductive... But I would not willingly give up 1% of my intelligence. I expect the rest of us feel the same way.
Other on 2/18/2021
I totally relate to this article. When I was young I could not have a talk that would matter to me with anyone who was my age. On the other side, most people my age felt bored with me and they stared at me as if I was some sort of alien. Even more, adults would not listen to me or take me seriously just because I was young (The only one who would listen was my father. Not even my mother would accept I was a smarty pants or that I might have had a stronger human consciousness than herself). Teachers used to under rate me as they believed someone else (an adult) would write my essays. Because I had deep and sharp philosophical, political and social views to be my age. Diferently than most of my peers and even many adults I was very consciouss and self consciouss, extremely perceptive and sensitive to how others felt. From a very young age I was death consciouss and aware of adults problems like my parents' marriage. I was aware how people felt but I could never figure out why people behaved the way they did or why people could not see certain things as clearly as I did. I felt most people were blind and shallow and that they never cared for what others lived, felt or had to say. So I learnt to listen without sharing my thoughts and feelings, after all, I had my dad and my diary. But deep inside I badly suffered for all the things I perceived and I was aware of. Even worse, I often felt there was something wrong with me that had to be fixed so that I could be like all the rest, despite they would be selfish or shallow. A lot of the time my dad was traveling, so I suffered deep solitude, and over time, the pain, the solitude, and the feeling of inadequacy turned into chronic depression. I have lived most of my life as a functional depressed person. It was on adulthood that some circumstances worsened it to the point where functionality was a lot diminished. My father died and I had to learn to open up to others as my emotional control decreased. Ironically, after a while of sharing my feelings and thoughts, I felt worse because not only people would not completely undersstand me but whenever you share your weaknesses, people tend to label you as weak, unstabble or negative (the curse of our time) and it affects your self image and your relationships, even those at work or school. I believe I have the dept and smartness to be succesful. But my inability to conect with people or accept their BS as well as my constant battle with depression hinder me a lot. I was a bright student at university, yet I have not been able to accomplish a PhD yet and I don't know if I ever will. I almost commited suicide when I finally was able to pursue a Masters Degree (abroad of my third world country) after ten long years of trials, dissapointments and periods of inactivity due to depression. On the masters I had the bad luck to meet an extremely malignant and manipulative being on my way and I lacked the social skills to counter balance his dirty games and smear campaign. And here I am, smarter tha many but unsuccesful in life. Had to come back to live at my mothers house, doing a few consultancy jobs for my municipality where you cannot change a thing even if you work hard or present great arguments, worse if you have no charisma. Because there is where most people go only to earn money and work the least! mediocrity is what prevails, which is very sad and frustrating!!! Finally, I am glad that there are so many means now to help this kids, hopefully they might have a brighter future than those of us who were youngsters in the past, where a lot less information and opportunity were available.
Other on 2/17/2021
You know... interestingly enough, I think I'm the first person here who read this article and subsequently realized they were not actually that smart. Especially after looking at the Davidson Institute's requirements for admission... with the score I got on the SAT during my junior year of high school being the minimum required score for middle schoolers. lol. That's just funny to me. I was in a gifted program, but was never at the top of my class. I definitely wasn't the smartest. I never really fit in, but it was more due to low emotional intelligence and being really weird rather than being too smart. People smarter than me still had lots of friends. Yeah...! It just feels like I want to be smart. That's why I read articles like this from time to time. I see that I kind of relate but that the articles obviously weren't written for me. I don't know, I guess being smart would make me feel better about myself, but reading these comments makes me see it can be more miserable than anything. I didn't even realize children younger than 10 could have an existential crisis. I don't really like reading. I have the vocabulary of maybe, say, a 14-15 year old even though I'm in college. I never had a need to suppress my intellect because it's not large enough to cause problems like it does for those who are highly, highly intelligent. Yeah... I guess that's how it is. The average IQ is average for a reason! Good luck to everybody in the comments, and don't isolate yourself just because you feel like you'll never find anybody who understands you. Even if you think the odds of finding someone are low, you definitely won't find anybody if you place yourself in complete solitude - getting rid of those odds altogether. No matter who you think you are, you need people in your life. Being used to loneliness doesn't mean you prefer or thrive in it. Of course, what do I know. That's probably easy for me to say, isn't it. That's just my two cents. Live your life! Even if it seems meaningless. HA
Student on 2/16/2021
I would love to find in-depth information on these topics. I have saved the book recommended above. I've been trolling around finding the cute little random buzzfeed "10 reasons why intelligent people have trouble with socialization," but I really need solid information, studies ideally. With the pandemic crisis and people literally killing themselves due to isolation, I'm trying to find my own middle ground for my sanity. Most of the time I'm happiest by myself, the initial quarantine was a breeze and a dream come true for me (I was very lucky and was moved to working from home). However, conversely whenever I do get my hands on a person who can go into the long in-depth rabbit hole discussions for hours, I never want to let them go, I'll stay up all day and all night just talking. I understand there's something there that I need and could benefit from. I'm only a tiny bit lonely being in quarantine isolation but I'm having trouble now seeking my goals and making progress in my life again, which tells me that something is wrong, and possibly missing. I didn't see anyone mention mbti in this (I know it's pseudoscience, however), I recommend finding INTJ and INTP groups and chats to get a little bit of intelligent discourse with strangers sometimes, it has helped me sometimes to get my debate fix. I'm fiercely independent and I see self-sufficiency as something that should be maintained at all costs, and I keep hearing that that's a trauma response from childhood. While that could be partially true for me, I have also recognized, especially when I was younger and more enmeshed in a community, that when people I cared about tried to do things for me, it was never.. the way I would have wanted it or done it myself. This is becoming a problem, I HATE looking at a gift or kindness that someone has given me or done for me and just feeling dull and miserable and alone. I want to love and appreciate what people have done for me and just feel gratitude. The problem is, I do things so precisely and balance 20 balls that I'm juggling in my life in such a strict manner that no one else is ever able to 'measure up' or comprehend how this thing they're trying to do will upset all my balances :( . If my parents buy me a standard lamp from walmart for my home because I've expressed that I'm looking for one, I'm sad because I actually needed the tall, lightweight kind that also has built-in shelves due to my semi-nomadic lifestyle. I have to balance easy to move and space-saving with all the items I own. I'm also trying to cut down on possessions as I've recognized that helps me remember what i have more clearly (I don't have ADHD, but it's similar to that, out of sight is out of mind). If my lamp also has shelves, I can get perhaps get rid of a bookshelf or refrain from buying more things with shelves. All the things I possess need to serve many purposes now to help me keep moving forward. That's an example on a much smaller scale, upsetting the balance I"m trying to create with only 2-3 balls, representative of the larger problems that occur when people try to help me. I'm left feeling so guilty that I can't just enjoy the gratitude, I've faked it for years and I AM grateful that they care, but I've become exhausted with pretending that the help that people give me doesn't make me have to go around my ass to get to my elbow to fix to get back on track, so to speak :( . I've tried lowering my standards, that's the advice I hear; I shouldn't be so critical when people are going out of their way to be kind or show that they care, and I don't want to be, but I'm exhausted from doing that too. I can't staunch my awareness forever :( . If I have time and plan ahead, I have been told I'm an 'excellent gift-giver' in that I analyzed what I knew of the person's life right now and their preferences and I devised/found an extremely thoughtful gift for them that they sometimes didn't even know they wanted/existed, and they're overjoyed and amazed. I'm not perfect there either, sometimes I've missed the mark and failed to analyze them correctly or dedicate the time it would have required.. That's also representative of the help I try to give to loved ones, I analyze them and can sometimes present them with advice and solutions for their problems that they haven't thought of. It just feels lonely that I can't get back what I give because I believe I'm analyzing them on a higher plane than they can analyze themselves sometimes, something I can't say out loud because it's stroking my ego, right? It makes me want to swear off giving or receiving gifts or services from anyone because I'm so tired from always fighting off the disappointment and putting it all back correctly. It makes being alone SO much easier. I hate the effect this has on my relationships, I guess that's why I'm looking up these searches today. I see so many lonely people in these comments, I'll add that I do have the gift of my best friend who's on a similar plane as I am if not smarter than me, she tested once on a paper test in school for a 194 IQ, but we live on opposite sides of the continent. We try to support each other but neither of us are healthy... I apologize that this is long-winded, I'm taking advantage of the anonymous forum to just vent I suppose in a stream-of-consciousness sort of way.. All of my simple queries are quickly resolved on the internet with basic searches, so I'm spoiled because I expect there to be answers, somewhere, for all of my questions, but I haven't seen any constructive discussions of these particular issues. The advice in this article on the broad scale I know is helpful, involving some of the things I've mentioned with trying to alter our own perceptions of the world and to learn how to make a place for ourselves. I'd love some help learning to cope with the exhaustion of faking it and lowering standards to maintain relationships, and to not feel the disappointment at the lack of the possibility of equal reciprocity so much. :(
Other on 2/15/2021
I am depressed because, for years, I feel that I am not understood. I have a fairly good IQ, which is not important right now, but people tends to look at you and forget you are a whole instead of a piece of articulated walking wisdom. I am often short of patience when trying to explain things, and after so many years I stopped bothering myself anymore and started playing the old dumber-than-thou approach to not inflict myself this re-ocurring pain. I miss dealing with other smart people, who shares another level of abstraction and talks about things that matter; I am bored to my bones at my job, barely feel that I can survive my current relationship (being in love doesn't mean that you love your partner's intelligence, but tolerate it aiming at something higher to achieve), and I barely tolerate myself. What helps me is writing and trying to focus my energy on something I am passionate about but do not need any kind of rapport to no one else but myself; I write, I code some programs, I think (most of the time) and take mental notes for further investigation, I speak when asked to. I listen, most of the time. And, still, I miss being around people which are smarter than me; I miss the frank high intellectuality and openness to think without trying to overcompensate it by hurting other's feelings. I miss mental companion. Thank you for reading, it was good to blow it off a bit.
Other on 2/11/2021
PLEASE READ ANYONE AND RESPOND WITH YOUR OPINIONS ON WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. I'M USING CAPS SO ITS MORE NOTICABLE XD. I cannot relate more with what you said. You truly understand those with high intelligence. Im 17 and have a 2.4 cumulative GPA but its not because I can't do the work, it's because I don't want to. the simple words "I don't want to" carry the weight of my entire existence with them. I don't want to because from the things I have been told and learned. Most of the stuff you learn in school is pointless besides mastering the basics. History is one of my favorite classes because its a class I do well in. Why? Because I have come to realise through personal experience that my memory is incredible. I also like history because it teaches you about the past and all the mistakes people have made. Over time I collect ideals that shape me, into ME. not just through history but also through personal experience. jumping to something else, I often hear that being indecisive is a negative thing, but in reality when I am indecisive it's because I need time to go through all of my knowledge like a catalogue to produce the best answer. I also think acknowledging that you are intelligent, when you are in fact intelligent is only a bad thing when you start to look down on others with less intelligence. It's easy to look down upon everyone when you can predict what they are thinking or about to say just by looking at them, or deeply reflecting on ALL of your previous conversations. Intelligence doesn't measure superiority just as strength, or humility doesn't. What makes someone stand out among the rest in our society is their determination. people who do what it takes will make it, BECAUSE they did what they did to get to where they are. Most people that have ever been in power or in favorable positions in our society disregard the feelings of others in order to achieve their own goals. If that was the only way to make it in this world I would just walk out the door. But in my opinion it isn't the only way to "make it." The only way you can make it in this world is by listening and thinking to your heart and your brain in conjunction constantly. You've only made it to where you want to be when you are truly satisfied with your life and the way you lived it. People who use other people to put themselves in a better position live with an eternal guilt that I will never have. Everyone on this earth is a person trying to do what they can, trying to prove themselves to others, working hard, but the only person in the world that will ever fully understand you is either you, or "The One." The only person that isn't you that truly understands you inside and out. I would like to believe someone like this exists at least, for me, and for everyone on this planet. Time and time again I get close to people that just have intentions of using me for something. I truly don't even think it's possible for a person to live a happy life by using others unless they legitimately lack basic human emotions that have been cultivated throughout thousands of years. When I look at my dog, I don't see a pet. I see a loyal living being that has mutual respect for me. I take him on walks, feed him, play with him, do my best to teach him right and wrong, and what does he do in return? HE'S MY LOVABLE BIG BABY COUCH POTATO. It is hard being intelligent that is for sure, sometimes I even wish I were incompetent. I also don't think it's just intelligence that I have. It's self-awareness, awareness of surroundings, as well as people's thoughts, feelings, emotions, and the reasons behind all of those. Just a scenario but imagine this. A truly wise person arguing with a truly incompetent one. Since the the incompetent one is literally incapable of outwitting the wise one they resort to other methods, such as manipulation. They use your personal beliefs and feelings against you to get what they want, possibly because they know they can't outsmart you. Because of this the wise person is left no choice but to either humbly concede in order to avoid any further problems, or they stick to reason and talk logically until the incompetent gives up, and either agrees with their logic, or the third option. They leave because you can see right through them clear as day and they don't like that. Some people like being heard while others like to stay silent, when in most cases the silent wants to be heard and the ones that want to be heard wish they could disappear. Why? take for example you're in the store and you're looking for something, but you never find it. then you come back another day forgetting that you had been looking for that one thing and it just appears in front of you. Now take this example and apply it to life. (((The more you work towards want you want, the less you are able to receive what you want.))) I believe this to be true in most aspects of life. Another example, (you have a family and you are the only one that can work. You pick up multiple jobs working to provide for your family, not allowing you to be happy and spend time with those you care about.) Through self-sacrifice (NOT SUICIDE) will one be able to truly understand the world around them. Putting others before yourself allows you to watch from behind as you let them prove to you whether they are worthy of your company. Like doing the right thing even though nobody is looking. I find myself pretending to be a fool in order to unsuspectingly watch people when they don't realise they're being watched. (Not literally but literally. I'm not a stalker XD) I know it sounds messed up but, but I would rather know if somebody was going behind my back, then not know, which is easy to find out when you have a way with words. This is why I sometimes wish I was incompetent, so I wouldn't be this way, but the real reason is that being intelligent hurts. If you are a person with a strong moral compass (today's society morals I guess) then it hurts to see when others hurt you even though you never did anything to make them hurt you. Maybe it's because they think you're the exact opposite of who you really are. WHY? because you are more intelligent than they are, and they literally cannot comprehend the thoughts that require a higher intelligence. Now imagine a redhead, growing up in a single parent home for the second half of his life, with high intelligence, with the parent proving themselves to be less competent than me time and time again, and then add the fact that this redhead lives in an area where the people cheat and steal and lie to get what they want. How i've managed to grow up in this situation is a miracle to me. P.S. God is as real as one wants him to be. It's called faith for a reason. Whether you choose to believe is up to you. I may not know for a fact that he isn't real, but I bet I could give you an infinite list of reasons why, when really I only need one. (He's a figment of human imagination used to explain phenomenon before science became a thing.) P.S.S All of this was probably really irrelevant but I just felt like saying it. Maybe someone will hear me for once.
Other on 2/9/2021
Thank you for guessing that a lot of people would like to discuss this topic. I found it today because I wanted to understand why my Mother's dementia is so incredibly frustrating for me. It's not her fault, I love her dearly, but when she can't understand something, I have a much stronger reaction than the situation deserves. Don't worry, though, I'm kind and patient, but the conversations make me want to drive into a brick wall when I hang up the phone. Maybe it's the "can't get a horse to drink water" answer someone suggested, but, something about that doesn't quite satisfy me. Although it's true, I want her to be content so badly. I am also above average intelligence and, like someone else wrote, I see my own experiences in most all of these replies as well as in the article. For me, now in my late 50's, I think the challenge of intelligence is the torture of Cassandra. When I say something like, "money is poetry, it's metaphor" to my accountant, or you have already died many times, the baby you were is long gone" to cheer up people on their birthday worrying about their approaching end, or jump to the conclusion (already at "Z" as someone else described) but then needing to back track to "A" and try to bring the listener along and not even getting them as far as "C" . . . and on and on and on . . . to the listener, I am a far out wacky person who doesn't seem to understand the basic facts. It's Cassandra's torture: to know and yet be ostracized for being a fool. So, it's not a new concept for humans. Still, I believe in the advice Oprah W. made popular: you teach other people how to treat you. Each person has to figure that out whatever their intelligence.
Other on 2/8/2021
Thank you for this article. It has definitely given my a point in which I can begin to change my perspective. I have this issue with just wanting to find people to discuss existential concepts with. I so tired of having these thoughts on my own, without the joy of experiencing the questions with other like minds. Seems like everyone is lost in meaningless things, that make no difference on a macro scale for humanity. Everyone is punching life out so they can garner the most toys or power possible, for themselves. Then we are left with a selfish and depraved existence in our society. The most depressing thing is people are left scratching their heads in bewilderment.
Student on 2/6/2021
I cried when I read this. And too true, that sharing this with anyone else--is just not really feasible for the most part. I was going to show this to my mom but that just seems so vain of me to do that. Maybe I can show it to the man who gave me my intelligence one day, my Dad, but I suspect that might just cause resentment since his potential was never actualized. Hopefully my actions will be enough. It has been very lonely. The only envy that I harbor, is those who have stable families and parents that understand their children.
Other on 2/3/2021
Thanks for great article. The thing I encounter over and over again is that the things/patterns I see in people, life, behavior, etc, you name it...are missed by most...really rare that someone picks up on same thing via observation. It is said that comedians are super-smart, and I agree with that, and I crack jokes based on observations that cause people to fall out of chairs. Downside is that there's "nobody home" in like 99% of people I interact with, and I become depressed...feels like I'm on island...curse in sense, which makes me think: "what's really worthwhile here"...depressing. 150 is my IQ based on documented test but my creative IQ, I think/know, is really much higher. Is it possible that some people with really high IQs just think existence is all BS, and become paralyzed? IMHO if you are competitive-natured, and the feedback is just not there it's a problem...in everyday life, work, relationships, etc...this gift becomes handicap...that's my problem, the reinforcement doesn't reflect, echo or bounce back. On the one hand, seeing patterns, being super-smart is really cool in terms of insight...on the other hand, it is really really depressing...nihilism applies to everything because there's no real personal feedback that says" "Hey, how cool is that!". Try being in top 99.5% or higher IQ range: let me tell you it's not rewarding at least 99% of the time. Memories, observations, insight, creativity especially, I am really thankful for but the ability to move forward based on some kind of response back in terms of people is just not there. I will say this: intuitive ability to pick up on things is recognized by the universe and rewarded but it’s a solitary reward in a lot of cases. How many really bright people and their ability is wasted because they can’t get past the ‘this is all BS’ observation…comment: people who have this gift, and are reliant on feedback to validate the fact that they are here and vital are going to struggle due to lack of reinforcing feedback or inability to learn to be ‘self-reliant’. How long can you live on ‘wisdom is my reward’? That used to be my mantra: “the wisdom is my reward.” Hard to stay positive: detrimenting my advancement because of lack of feedback…not just geek stuff but everyday stuff if you’re upper-bright. Could be genetic and a ‘how I was raised thing’…sometimes I think I should have taken advantage of everything and just moved past all these people…but I keep there trying to hope but I’m losing me in process. My 2 cents.
Other on 2/1/2021
I cried when I read this. I’ve always been “off” my entire life. Never quite connecting with people, never communicating as effectively as I wanted. It feels like I’ve had an awakening. I suddenly know who I am and what I want in life. I thought I wasn’t smart enough to go to college because high school was tough for me. I now realize that I’ve never tried at anything. And this has given me a sense of unfulfillment and sadness for years. I feel like my outlook on life has completely changed.
Educator on 1/31/2021
Actually, it is not that bad to be an intelligent person. All you have to do is disconnect from the rest of the world and you will be happy. Wherever you work, once in a while, you will find someone intelligent who can relate to you. One gift intelligent people have is that they can easily seperate intelligent people from non-so-intelligent people. Just know that most of the world will hate you, but do not let yourself down. In fact, those who will hate you do not have it great either and that is why they hate you. If you are intelligent then you figure out the world and its ways anyway. The only vulnerable time intelligent people have is in their childhood because they do not get any support in their early years.
Other on 1/28/2021
Much of this I can relate to. For the longest time, my biggest struggle was trying to get others to see things my way (be more empathetic) but I realized it’s better to be silent on my need to be understood and my ideas. Unfortunately, people can and do see superior intelligence as a threat to their livelihoods and egos. There’s no empathy to be had from most because on a very fundamental level, they simply cannot grasp the idea of what it’s like for those with IQ’s well above average. Therefore, I stay quiet and let others do most of the talking, making them feel smart and satisfied with their accomplishments instead of focusing on mine. By the time they start to see what I’m capable of, I’m in a very safe position where they’d find it difficult to undercut me out of spite (this refers mostly to work environments of course - personal loneliness is a different issue).
Educator on 1/27/2021
I'm gifted and was homeschooled until I was 8. I didn't know how to study. I didn't understand i had to do homework. I refused to follow rules. If I didn't feel like answering the teacher, I just ignored her. The school deduced I had a learning disability and sat me in the back of the class facing the wall until my mom pulled me out and I tried again when I was 10. The true problem was that I had already been tested at a much higher grade and they refused to move me up. I had learned all of it before. Still, it was easier to blame me. In middle school I began learning Japanese and now speak about 5 languages fluently enough to read a newspaper, and enough to comfortably converse in 3 others. Anyway, my guidance counselor suggested I not even try for collage and become a hair dresser for some reason... even though I was winning awards for languages and in national competitions. I started understanding these people were a bunch of idiots and I was on my own. It's very hard when 75% of the people you meet just can't understand you. I used to get frustrated and hate everyone. Now I'm an English teacher and do my best to look out for the gifted kids. I've completely come to terms with the lower intelligence community and thank God I'm able to string my thoughts together.
Other on 1/26/2021
I've never worried about being stuck - I've always found new ideas, new adventures, new challenges, etc... to keep me occupied and entertained. Right now I have become an officer of an adult hobby type club...I don't particularly enjoy the company of strangers, but I've done something for a year to get me out of my comfort level. I've lived many places. I've done' lots of schooling and still do it even in my 40s because it's fun. I love life and my intelligence!
Other on 1/26/2021
Thank you so much. Its not what you have said, but you said it. You said what I deal with and unable to tell anyone - it would take a book to explain any single thought I have. Btw - I am leaving aside my fiance she is first person I ever could talk with, and follow "their" judgement.
Other on 1/25/2021
I was in the gifted and talented program since I was 7 years old. I could read and spell better than my teachers. I tested in the +2% range as a teenager. One thing I realized over the years (in my 40s now) is that relatively most people are not going to really understand you a lot of the time. They spend their thoughts parroting what they hear rather than questioning everything. Over time it’s easy to just try to fit in as that’s our nature , but really interesting conversations are far between. Most people are truly average. I think coming to terms with this helps in a way. I’ve spent most of my life trying to fit in because I cared about sounding condescending. Sometimes this can hold you back. This world panders to the average. In many many ways. Good luck.
Student on 1/23/2021
NICK! I read your comment. Bro, Its never too late to do something great or radically change your life. Find something you enjoy and do it? And if you havent found that yet. you havent searched and tried new things long enough. I am constently learning and experiencing new things in life and each thing I experience brings me closer to my inner self. I dont know how severe your health issues are. But get to the gym and fix your body. Your mind will open up. To be honest I cant think clear when im not working out consistently, and it can lead to frusteration and negative thoughts and emotions. Come on, we love ya man. Look up the Dunning-Kruger Effect. I can bet you most of the people your reading about fall into that category. Stahlbg@wwu.edu
Other on 1/19/2021
Hi, I'm Nick.. 49 yrs old and a relative nobody in the grand scale of things. And yet... I've spent the last hour and 40 minutes reading through, then scrolling back and re-reading through many of the comment in this thread. The end result is.. I cried. Roughly 20 minutes of tears before composing myself enough to reply.. My own history proved I would have succeeded in anything and everything and yet, I succeeded in nothing. I could spend ages sitting here typing out instances so similar to the ones already posted and that's what bothers me. Each person so far has spoken of one thing, one part of them that may or may not have similarities to others and yet, so many of them I share. Reading all of this is like reading a "History Of Me!" written by many, shared in "some" way with others but all of them me! Without realising it at the time, without wanting to do it or even understanding it's happening, I am pulling apart everything, every instance, every feeling, understanding, explanation.. Like an engineer understanding the basic mechanics of every part of a machine.. I get it all and yet nobody around me could possibly comprehend the importance of it. No, I didn't grow up being understood and because of that I am a 49 yr old guy, living alone after helping to raise 12 children, unable to work through health issues and just patiently waiting to die because only that will give me the escape I've been hoping for. My answer to life, the universe and everything isn't 42.. It's simple. People who do not understand you will work against you by nature, as you will them. There is no easy fix...
Student on 1/18/2021
I guess I have always been considered a gifted child in school. I have always caught into things very easily and I have always been ahead of everyone else. Even in the gifted classes I was still ahead. I believe that the school system has absolutely failed the majority of the gifted children. I am extremely burnt out now. I have never had to work or try at anything, academically, in my entire life and now it is a struggle for me to keep grades up and such. Since my intelligence compensated for mental disabilities I went my entire life up until I was 15 not knowing I had ADHD. I thought that it was completely normal to hyperfocus so intensely that you would forget to eat for an entire day. I also thought it was completely normal to not be able to look someone in the eye for more than 10 seconds during a conversation because everything was a just so distracting. I didn’t know that I had ADHD until I went to therapy because my perfectionism was causing me to be depressed and anxious. I was so unhappy with myself because of my grades. I believe the reason why I am such a strong perfectionist is because my whole life people have put me on a pedestal for my intelligence. My whole life my intelligence was my defining trait and then to all of a sudden be a procrastinating, burned out, anxiety-filled mess was just too much. Studies have shown that if you have a gifted child, in order to keep them gifted, you must always be challenging them mentally. Schools don’t do that. Then they get frustrated when all of the burned out gifted kids flunk their classes but ace standardized testing.
Student on 1/9/2021
I relate but I am unsure as to whether my imagination is relating more than is true to my experience. Either way, it is refreshing to feel understood, even if it is my own artifice.
Student on 1/3/2021
I'm 13, with an IQ of 127, which is apparently a decently high number in terms of IQ by nationality and age. I would prefer to think that I'm outside the boundaries of the Dunning-Kruger effect because I consider myself to be smart. I'm talented in the art of psychology, logical problem solving, schoolwork in general and a bit of social manipulation. However, there is a problem for being smart that you did briefly cover but never really expanded upon, which is work ethic. I've recently realized that many smart people have terrible work ethic because we can breeze through anything in life without having to do much work, which means we can be very lazy at times. Despite my talents I frequently waste them on video games and procrastination. I'm currently paying the consequences, getting F's on many schoolwork assignments for not turning them in, in addition to typing things late for my irate father, who is an author. If any smart children are reading my comment, please don't fall into the same hole I did, because the more you dig into this well of procrastination and zombie-esque attitude, the harder it'll be to get out when you're an adult who skimped over all the opportunities of their life.
Other on 1/1/2021
I stumbled onto the fact that I had a high IQ and it changed my life. I grew up a poor, hungry and neglected kid who ended up in foster care, bouncing from place to place, becoming a high school drop out in the 10th grade. I knew I was resilient, resourceful and had a lot of street smarts but my educational foundation was sorely lacking and I did not know how to work hard or persevere. I was 18 when I decided not to be a statistic and to go back to finish high school so I could give myself the opportunity to make something of my life beyond what I had known until then. Some school subjects came very easily to me even though I was always changing schools, often midway through the year. However, I struggled with undiagnosed dislexia, and I continually failed at math which made me shy away from anything numbers based - sciences, economics, accounting etc. I knew I needed to finish high school if I wanted to go to college and get a decent job but I had no idea where to start. So, I somehow persuaded child services (since I was their ward) to pay the tuition for me to take a vocational testing and career counselling program. The program was basically a year of test taking. Each week, I would arrive at their office and along with a roomful of other people, I would spend 3 hours taking tests. I literally took about 100 tests. These tests ranged from interests, aptitudes, and artistic abilities to testing for spelling, comprehension, math physics and chemistry. There were also personality, IQ and EQ tests. Some of the tests were interesting and engaging, many were monotonous, and yet others were frustrating and discouraging, reinforcing my negative beliefs about my abilities and potential. It took a lot of grit for me to finally get through it all. And when I was finally done, I sat down with the psychologist to review all of my test results and discover what type of work I would be best suited for and what I would need to do to set myself on a path to success. It was a 2 hour session of learning all about myself. It was like I was having an out of body experience, discovering things about myself that completely upended what I had always thought to be true, and it actually blew my mind. This was a pivotal moment for me that created an instantaneous, fundamental shift in who I was, what I thought about myself, and what I could achieve. Just like that. I discovered that I had a grade 8 level of math ability but could conceptualize mathematically at a 4th year uni level. I learned I was exceptionally good at finding patterns and three dimensional problem solving. I was very artistically inclined and I prefer evidence and data to gut feelings and intuition when making decisions. I also learned I had the highest IQ of anyone they ever tested in the 20 years they had been in operation but I scored below average for my emotional intelligence. I found out that I would likely be successful in any medical career at any level of training, and that my love of the outdoors was how I recharge and it was better as a hobby than a career path. This was literally the best thing that could have happened to a forgotten, marginalized girl who was never expected to amount to anything. In that one day, I found the confidence and desire to pursue everything with abandon, and that's what I did. I went back to grade 8 math and studied. And then 9th, 10th etc. Once I had the math, I attempted physics and chemistry and shattered my own expectations. I was suddenly hungry for all things knowledge. The possibilities of what I could do with my life seemed endless and I was insatiable. I ultimately found my niche in business management and entrepreneurship, which really suits me. It was clear early on in my career that it was a struggle to work for others and within a defined system, particularly within bureaucracies or politics. I quickly discovered I needed to work with smart people in a complex, ever changing role to stay engaged. My career with major international companies gave me a great foundation in which to springboard into entrepreneurship, and today I run my own businesses. As for the list of these troubles, I have definitely experienced all of them and the hardest for me has been the existentialism. Finding meaning in this construct of life is hard. I often feel like so much of our world is arbitrary and illusory. And, it can be very hard to share my thoughts with others because I don't feel like I can relate to most people. Generally though, when I find interesting people to engage with and talk deeply about big or complex topics, I feel much less isolated. And fortunately, I am curious about most things and love to research and learn everything I can about them. For this reason, I never suffer from boredom because there is always a concept or idea that I can roll around in my brain that will give me endless sources of inspiration or realization of how things come to be, where they are going, how they will get there, and the interconnectedness of it all. While this doesn't give meaning to my life, it does give me an understanding of why I exist, and a certain peace comes with that. So does riding my mountain bike in the forest trails as often as possible. My good friend once said out of the blue, "People underestimate how smart you really are, don't they? When other people are at A, you are already at Z, and you patiently wait for them to come to the conclusion you have long since drawn. How painful that must be for you to constantly be waiting for people to catch up." It was the only time I have ever felt really understood.
Other on 12/19/2020
While this article has relatable items and bits of good advice, I feel as though the main target was people who trend more toward the autism spectrum than straight up high intellect. That said, it took me into adulthood (I am 47 at the moment) to realize people did not actually "get" things or see them the way I do. I really just assumed everyone u deratood the world the way I did, seeing the intersecting connections, patterns and used those to deduce and solve problems. I knew on some level I was smart simply from school - never had to really try, glided through most subjects. I almost skipped kindergarten and first grade but my parents were concerned about me getting the right social surroundings. When I was four, I was evaluated in part due to me being ambidextrous. I could write fluently with either hand but, as my parents were told, that wasn't the big deal - it was that most ambi people are a little behind due to developing both halves of the brain, but in tandem. So there can be a lag. However, I was doing this and ahead. Anywho...once I hit around 30 I finally realize that I was different in a deep intellectual way. And I embraced it once I understood it. I wish I'd hadhthar realization sooner. I think I would have excelled in certain areas because I would have given myself the permission and acceptance. Out in the professional world, I think the biggest struggle, one which I connected with in the article, is that of bragging. I don't brag when I explain my expertise or experience - I state the facts of my skill sets in order to show my qualification for solving/working on issues. There is a lot of disbelief from others (many who start out treating me poorly as if I am blowing smoke only to be proven wrong - which makes things worse not better!). I think people who are not at this upper level have an impossible time comprehending that you don't have to be Einstein or Tesla to be super smart. We are around in the everyday world, not on a shelf of scientific celebrity. And yes, it *is* possible for a common everyday woman to deeply grasp, understand, quantify and extrapolate data and other skills across many disciplines. So if others do not take you as "real", you must do it for yourself. And recognize our Tribe and be kind when we see others Smarties struggling. I find myself often "translating" (which is what made me a great business analyst) the smart people for those not at the same level. Find your niche and embrace it!
Educator on 12/16/2020
This piece is comforting as it makes you feel like your not alone. I was at a meeting recently and was explaining something. Suddenly, someone jumped up and exclaimed “I don’t have a IQ of 180, I’m just an average guy”. That was not meant to be a compliment nor did I take it as such. It’s not 180 by the way. He was saying I was too much. Thus the necessity of always keeping yourself hidden. Besides being too much, you’re also a target. Your supervisors play intellectual positioning. Others, who are insecure about their own intelligence and are always trying to prove to everyone else how smart they are use you ( behind your back) to establish their superiority. When discovering something new and exciting, there’s no one to discuss it with. Try it and the crossed arms, grunts or rapid exit send a clear message. Only once was there someone I could engage in intense discussions with. Others would flit and flitter nearby, eavesdropping but never joining in. Learning life’s limitations is key.
Educator on 11/26/2020
Excellent observations. The school system in general cranks out A+ students who will eventually work for C students. Intelligence is a tough thing to measure. What one person considers intelligent, others will say the opposite. The real truth?! Humans are inherently destructive, and anything that opposes their beliefs or simply hurts their ego, is now seen as a threat.
Student on 11/24/2020
To be honest it’s kind of a relive to feel understood being smart is not sunshine and rainbows far from it there are somedays I wish I was dumb and even more days I wish I was dead sometimes I feel as if it’s more of a curse than a gift,but to other people like me I found my peace within my own set of goals I try to achieve tirelessly the treatment for depression and coping with your own intelligence is from my experience setting goals and ambitions and following them finding your own virtue code that feels right for you to become and ubermann I might say good luck you all and it’s good to know I’m not alone on this
Other on 11/20/2020
Learning How To Deal With Those Who May Have More Power, But Less Intelligence Than You.....
Other on 11/6/2020
It took me almost my entire 30 years to learn most of this on my own. I find it comforting that not only am I not alone feeling the way I do but there is enough of an audience out there to even put the time and effort into writing this article.
Other on 10/29/2020
I had a mental health exam yesterday for Social Security Disability with my main complaints being depression, anxiety, ADHD, and possibly Autism Spectrum Disorder. After some simple testing the doctor said that most likely my troubles were most likely due to the fact that my IQ is in the 120-130 range and that the average person has trouble understanding me and therefore, dismissing me as being kind of a weirdo. This is the first article I've found on this subject and it completely nails what I've gone through in my 59 years. I breezed through grades K-6 but after that when I actually had to work at learning I suffered and the emotional issues began. I wish I, or a parent or teacher, had had this article in 1975 as I'm sure my life would have been much different in a good way.
Student on 10/26/2020
I could not relate to this article more, especially the part expanding upon the concept of feeling unable to accept and express one's intellect. I often feel shamed for speaking the way I do and having the thoughts that I have. I appreciate the paragraph on trying, because it is so true. Once I got into high school, I was so unfamiliar with doing the work, because in middles school i could just work my way around it. I hope more like me can read and absorb this article, and I appreciate your courage in writing it.
Other on 10/25/2020
Wow, I never looked at it from this point of view, this is an eye opener. Well I suppose intelligence means different things depending on perspective, by this I mean the encouragement of others. To this end it depends upon the child's environmental learning. Some people can turn there hand to different things, practical, theory or a combination of the two. This covers a lot of aspects including physical and emotional wellbeing too. I found it problematic growing up, it was too easy and I therefore ended up being disruptive and ended up getting thrown out of school right at the pivotal point. As I was not understood and got picked on I ended up fighting and got caught. Now I am in my 40's looking back I could have done so much more and others could have done more for me. But what is done is done. Because I could turn my hand to anything I went to collage and furthered my education in electronics (Not the easiest but it was for me), also engineering, for some bazar reason I could mentally picture anything and how these things go together, later in life I took an easy route doing work that I felt was beneath me, but you have to pay the bills. I now work for a mass spectrometer company, started as a service engineer and have now moved up to designing electronics. At this point in my life I feel that I should have been doing this form leaving collage but am content with how it turned out. So the moral for you youngsters is to keep trying and let people know how you feel before you make mistakes.
Other on 10/19/2020
I don't get it, how can an IQ test - test the ability of anyone? All it does is test the knowledge you have, and your creative ability. If you practically know the answer to a question, you'll get a high score.The more you practice, the better you'll get at it. I don't like the idea of IQ tests, and I see a lot of people end up quoting their IQ score, congrats, you have an IQ of 160, or 185 according to a test. Should I be happy? I am unable to be. Seeing humanity in the third person is eye-opening, it'll allow you to see the faults. To only realize that the more you think about it, the worse off you get. I'm young, 19 to be exact - but I am not ignorant, yeah, I'd love to help, but why would I help? Should I be happy I am this way? How do I live a happy life? I'm not happy, I am a nihilist and misanthrope. Have been, and it's not something I can get out of easily. Do I want help? Honestly, I'm not sure. Maybe deep down inside I want the help, even though conscious me says otherwise, and my anxiety says: "They'll delude you". I'm probably just having an existential crisis, but, I already know life is meaningless as it is. I try to do what I find fun, that's the only real thing that I can see as a way of having meaning. If I can't enjoy what I am doing, why would I do it?
Student on 10/2/2020
I'm actually a student of philosophy. What I understand of very very smart people is the constant insult calling these smart people idiots. Idiots? I don't think so, the world would be much better if everyone was nice people and everyone made everyone happy. The downfall is also the human condition, that life is scary, it has an extremely awful, gloomy side to it, and there's no way out of this for over 37 years, you were born with this curse and you stay with it for half your life. Very very smart people don't have easy lives of simple relationships, no problems etc, the real reality is that we have to pay the bills, it's not any of the imagination from any of all beliefs anyone told us, we just survive and pay the bills, and intelligence can put you on top priority in business and enable you to pay the bills, intelligence can make you remember things that you once thought about by simply remembering, and it tells you where you lost the keys.
Other on 9/22/2020
I also identify with alot of what is written (top 2% etc.) and how I tried to dumb down to fit in. Some adults used to get irritated with me for pointing out things that were not true! Big existential, or in my case, theological questions got me down and sometimes made me very lonely. I kind if got used to being lonely and erred into being proud and uncaring at times. Now in my 40s I realise that each of us has something to bring to the world and the answer is not to hide away. I don't exactly know how, but it is important to be who you are and be a blessing. Recognise too that even others who are not so intelligent also have something special to give. I am thankful for a balanced childhood and a big family and church where I learned to appreciate all kinds of people. Find people who love you on the inside. By the way, intelligence is not what makes you worthy of love, it is just something you were given, like blond hair or long legs, but it is a blessing from God and so it is good to ask him to guide it. It is also important to recognise that you are not just a brain. Sometimes the brain can get so developed it crowds out the other parts of who you are, and people also reinforce that by seeing you as a brain on legs. Though I was very intelligent as a child and sought out stimulating conversation I also wanted more than anything to be like other girls, and I wanted to get married and have kids. I was greatly hurt when one of my friends said to me "This is how I see you, you will have one kid or no kids, and have an important job and wear twinset and pearls." I know she was complimenting my intelligence, but at the time I wanted to have a bohemian lifestyle and have 11 kids! (dunno why 11?) Well it's 30 years on and I have 2 kids, and that's enough for me. I married an African man who is intelligent too, a kind of multilingual, enterpreneurial, survival skills kind of intelligence, though he is not great at either math or spelling! Our boys are also intelligent in very different ways, and the second born loves working with his hands and has an amazingly practical mind. So I have had to see intelligence outside of educational systems, because people in Africa are amazingly intelligent, being mostly trilingual, and great at diversifying and surviving, though their education system has failed them. I have found to some extent where I can fit in and bring what I have to the table, but it has been important to be adaptable and see people's untapped intelligence and work together. I just wrote in a journal today that we Westerners, individually and collectively tend to implode with all our great ideas and learning and techniques etc. On a global level I would like to see people offering what they have with humility and using their abilities to build the next generation, otherwise what we have dies with us.
Other on 9/21/2020
I just want to re-iterate and expand what was discussed in this article. I was in gifted and talented (GATE) education from the time of second grade up until 11th grade, and I graduated high school on year early. I have two undergraduate degrees, one graduate degree and I currently work in medicine. My advice to young adults is this: the world is made for average intelligence people and you may feel like you don't fit in. However, if you keep trying, you can find your niche. In my case, it was medicine and art (I am also an illustrator). Try to find different ways of connecting to people that is not gauged by IQ ability. There are many ways such as music, art and sports. Also, people of high intelligence tend to take themselves too seriously. Relax! There is and will always be someone smarter than you.
Other on 9/20/2020
My name is Janelle and I’m a highly intelligent person lol. I have known something was with me since I was about three years old. I feel like it was 3 but logic makes me want to say 6. I’m more comfortable with 6. At whatever my tinder age was, I was shown from above myself, myself and my surroundings, and I knew something wasn’t right. What I was shown was my dysfunctional life. I struggled from day one to fit into my family because I didn’t do things, that didn’t make sense. I remember walking to kindergarten alone, holding a frozen coke in my hand, freezing and saying no. I walked back home, and this was my first day of cutting class. When my mother found out I wasted her money she paid for the field trip I missed, she smacked my tiny face. Nothing they did made sense to me and nothing I did made sense to them. I was an at risk person, not teen, because from day one and still to this day, my existence shouldn’t be. The only thing that saved me was getting pregnant at 15 years old. I’m an extremely happy person. I didn’t suffer any of the loneliness described by my fellow brains because I had my highly intelligent daughter and I had the best time with her. Because of my intelligence I strategized and problem solved every obstacle that came my way and am doing better than everyone I grew up with even the ones who didn’t have a child young. I left home at 15, graduated high school a year early despite the fact that my mother didn’t let me skip two grades because they told her I wasn’t where I should be socially, but they should have told her I never will be regardless. I got a masters degree, brought a home in the wealthiest city in the state at 26 years old and on and on. None of that matters outside of me trying to convey what my intelligence has done for me and my child. So thru all the struggles I must remind myself of that. We wouldn’t have survived without it. Because my child and I were so close in age we were best friends and because she was so intelligent this was never a threat to our parent child dynamic. No one could understand how it worked and I could never say until now, it was because of our intellect. I would just respond to people that experienced us, you have to do what’s best for your child, what works for your child works for your child. But since she moved out and out of state 8 years ago, now she is 26 and I am 41, now it’s my turn to face what everyone here has been expressing. Sigh. What can I say. I had no idea everyone is unhappy and unaccepting of themselves. I guess it’s easy for us to say hey if I wasn’t smart I wouldn’t feel intimidated or stupid by someone’s intelligence but we are smart! Even if we think about people smarter than us, how we enjoyed their conversation and wanted to learn from them we were still intelligent enough to be in that position. Everything is relative but it doesn’t seem to be for people who are actually without it, in the first place. It seems you have to at least have some to aspire to have more, when you feel you are empty forget about it. That’s where the problem lies, you have to be smart enough to know you are smart enough. So I will accept my own advice. I have to know I’m smart enough to get thru being smart in the world. We have all found each other here. I wonder, what we, will do about it. To the student of 6/29/20 you seem to be one of the smartest on the page, so brave, reach out, connect. Let’s just get braver and braver every day. But of course I must add and I’m sure everyone here feels me on this next statement. But what do I know lmao. Thank you so much for the safe space and I hope to meet you all soon I really do. Janellenapoleon@yahoo.com
Other on 9/18/2020
I'm pretty darn rootin tootin smart, don't how intelligent, maybe 135-155 IQ, does't matter. I'm also very emotionally stable and can easily read and understand others. I don't think life is difficult one bit lols. I figure out how things work and then I make them work for me. I do love people, it's easy, we're animals, we're predictable. I do strive for peace and tolerance and adhere to "Wheaton's Law". I have nothing else to say, have a good one :)
Educator on 8/24/2020
This is great! And I’d love to read “Mans search for meaning” but I am not a man and the fact that the author named it that makes me feel they are not reliable...
Student on 8/23/2020
Well , I don't call myself a person with high iq.I just wanted to say something, you have two options here : 1.Blend in the society and ofcourse that will RIP your ideas and your true personality 2.Seclusion. Seclusion if you get used to it, is the best way/ place to live.That is where your ideas yous thoughts matter and nobody can judge. I chose to be a loner and I will reside in somewhere else where I can be alone with my thoughts with my true personality with what I wanted the world to be alike but It won't. It's fairly easy to judge, to tell me maybe there is something wrong with me but it comes hard to me to an unlimited degree to figure it out if it's me or the others.
Student on 8/18/2020
I agree with a lot of what's written here. As someone who is often identified as extremely intelligent, I'm tired of people telling me how happy I should be about getting into x college, y scholarship and z job. Sometimes people don't realise that we hold different goals and aspirations from ourselves than people expect from us; sometimes even more than they do. Of course, as others suggested, the opposite does happen as well - when you don't receive an amazing grade, people don't even believe that you had difficulty parsing the content. All-in-all, it can be pretty tiring.
Other on 8/7/2020
This is a helpful article and really speaks to some of the things that I have navigated throughout my lifetime. I came across this article because I was curious to learn about how to alleviate my own frustration in working with people on teams who take longer to get to problem resolutions than I do. My current situation is complicated by not only my minority status as a highly intelligent individual, but also the fact that I am in the gender minority in my current organization as well. As someone with whom the light post metaphor struck a chord, I understand that as a human, I’m part of an enormous system of existence where everyone has their role to play. That means that my intelligence is just different than the intelligence of others. But I understand that… they do not. All they see is the light post. Society consistently surfaces the topics of inclusion, diversity, and equity, but the advice I’m finding aimed at intelligent people is to adapt yourself to the most common intelligence denominator in the room. I’ve studied and implemented many emotional intelligence programs that have, more often than not, subscribed to the “conform to the norm” mentality. When I employ techniques of these teachings, I find myself mentally and physically drained, the same way an introvert would if they were forced into a public speaking engagement. Sadly, like an addict, I seek out more learning and am more curious as a means to re-charge my mental and physical energy. This may only exacerbate my addiction. Case in point, I came looking for this article. Emotional intelligence conformational techniques and advice undermine my diversity of thought and at a larger scale inhibit the evolution of an enlightened society. It saddens me that I live in a world where intelligence is managed in a way that makes it fit in like Rudolph’s nose at the beginning of the 1964 Christmas classic. I am fortunate in that I found a spouse to share my life with that understands and complements who and what I am even though he isn’t at the same level. In fact, it’s through his insight and support that I have been able to develop my own understanding and capability without having to tame my intelligence. I empathize with the “educator on 5/21/2020” who has been looking for other smart people.
Other on 8/6/2020
Thank you for this article as it is refreshing to hear this point of view. I'm 37 years old and struggle daily with how to interact with others without making them feel intellectually inferior, while still "fitting in". I'm constantly told "you're the smartest person I've ever met" but absolutely hate hearing that as I know that means they see me differently. I've dropped out of college so as to avoid recognition, lost friends because of my inability to relate with them, and have moved from job to job in the search for the perfect fit since it's been hard for me to understand while people just don't "get it". It's also affected my personal relationship with my spouse due to me projecting my own expectations onto her, but fortunately she is very understanding and we have been able to work through it. Only recently have I started to try embrace my abilities and not be so conscious of what the world thinks of me. It's articles like this that still give me hope things will get better. I only share this in case there are others that feel the same as there is hope and you will eventually find your way. I prefer to live a humble life, but sometimes you have to let things out as it's good for yourself to speak about it as well as for others to hear.
Student on 7/24/2020
To the student studying A-levels: I'm in the same boat as you. I hope to make it out one day. Kind regards.
Other on 7/23/2020
I have an IQ of 170 and have been told that I was stupid my entire life despite having a 4.0, it wasn't till my 40s that I realized the potential hardships of owning a high IQ,and that people attack you for your intelligence to the point of denying true facts. Common sense has no boundaries and some are inept of accepting yours. I have never had the opertunity to strive and use my gift towards interests, yet I have found just enough interest to get to where I was going. Compassion and empathy has structured my selfless soul. Don't let anyone bring you down to their level without tact in place.
Other on 7/21/2020
I don't think really intelligent people can be understood. I was very happy over my intelligence, I could just look at a subject or a supposed unsolvable philosophical question, and understand and answer it. I thought people would be happy, that I helped. I realized soon that this is not what people want. They don't want someone to give them these answers. They want to find them themselves. They want to be the one who came up with the answer, or the invention. They are competing, they see you as a threat. But I was never competing. But when people try to describe "really intelligent people" they seem to assume they are defective in some way, lacking social skills. Or that they would nerd about a lamppost. I'm sorry to say I think that is another effect of feeling threatened, and needing to diminish the supposed threat. Explaining it away, instead of listening to those who actually would want to help you.
Parent on 7/20/2020
Thanks for this. As a gifted kid and now a parent of a gifted kid, this is one of the best succinct descriptions of what being gifted is like I have come across. I'm grateful for my ability to think, reason, and learn the way I do, but particularly in elementary school, I experienced exactly what you detail here.
Other on 7/16/2020
This is probably the most useful piece of advice I have ever found when it comes to understanding myself at a deeper level. I believe we mostly try to blur our differences over time in order to blend in. That means doing stuff like lying about your interests, feelings and thoughts to a level you almost start believing your own lies. I don't feel confident enough even to talk about it to a psychologist. The closest I tried to do was telling them I had ADHD and in 2 minutes they tried to convince me it was anxiety. It is really comforting coming here and reading other peoples messages. I was rejected even by my family. I will never forget my brother telling me I made him feel stupid, and it was one week before we walked away to never talk to me again. It brings tears to my eyes and it hurts so much. I never meant to hurt anyboby. In many circumstances I would give an arm to help others Not to mention the fact that I am a woman with a fashion bachelor workint in the IT industry, I was already a musician and have reading medical articles the whole night for a hobby. It is really hard relating to other people, and I sometimes feel like others will observe me as if I were an animal at a cage. It hurts. But given the opportunity I wouldn't change it.
Student on 7/7/2020
Not being able to infer other young children's thought processes via self-projection was diverting. My peers' proclivity toward spontaneous imaginary scenarios was charming and bewildering. People became puzzles, prompting in me an abiding fascination in the underlying principles of human cognition. Imagine my frustration, several years and mental models later, when I was forced to conclude that there was no generic formulation of the human condition that would allow me to effectively predict an arbitrary person's thoughts or behavior. Imagine my elation, after yet more years, when I first learned of Machine Learning. American public school is a soul crushing instrument of authoritarian indoctrination, but it was useful to my social development. I thankfully wasn't so bright as to be entirely isolated (98%), but I am intimately aware that some are, and it is one of our societies greatest failings. If I could open a school for gifted children, I would in a heartbeat.
Student on 7/6/2020
Ever since I was small, I have been intelligent and loquacious. This made it a great deal harder to make friends, but I have since found my crowd. Most people didn’t know what to make of me. I simply resided outside of their status quo, rather than at the bottom of their imagined social stratification system. I started experiencing existential thoughts and feelings since the age of 7 or 8, and was incredibly depressed from a young age. Anyone who I meet and talk to only for a few minutes always remarks that I’m intelligent, but I haven’t gotten my IQ rested or anything. I happen to be relatively well read and good with critical thinking, but I have a difficult time forming new relationships with people (especially romantically) because I feel I can’t connect with them on an intellectual level. I feel as though I’m operating on a completely different wavelength, and I have a difficult time communicating the more complex things I want to express to others (people have expressed that they have a difficult time understanding me because of large words, complicated syntax, and difficult concepts). Although it’s cliché, I feel I connect more with literature, that there are the remnants of a kindred soul among the musings of others. I fear I will spend much of my life alone, and that I won’t find people who will understand me. I have cherished friends, but I often find myself only having intellectually stimulating conversations with their parents rather than my friends. A lot of the things in this article rang very true for me. I am a highly emotional person, but my friends often have a difficult time understanding when I’m upset. It’s nice to know my struggles are not imagined.
Student on 7/4/2020
I found this article randomly and everything here seems to describe me perfectly. I am a child who since my very young years has been identified as gifted, and I am so happy that I am not alone in these struggles. I feel like I could say more right now but the words aren't seeming to form cohesively right now, so I'll just leave it at thank you for posting this.
Student on 6/29/2020
to the person who commented on 6/26/2020, saying that they hid their intelligence to fit in and got it back in their twenties- could I please, PLEASE contact you in any way? Your words could have been written by me. I am a girl, also, and I have a proven high IQ (138). I have always been the top of my class, I also play an instrument since I am 6, and funny enough, I also speak two mother tongues, just like you! Right now I am doing my A-Levels and after so many years of being the 'smartest', the reliable.kid who just knee everything, I am now mastering the ' I am an average student ' identity, having just average grades, too. No matter how much I try now, it seems like I feel 'good' whenever I raise my hand to contribute what I know is wrong. My problem being that I don't know how to explain to my inner child that I should put 'social avceptance and friends' behing academics. My A-Levels are super important to me, but smething inside of me is too hesitant :( Is there any way to conact the girl that posted on the 6/26/2020? I am sure she won't read this or get notified, but if she does or if you who are reading can help me find her to exchange our exxperience further, I would be SOOOO *happy*
Other on 6/26/2020
As a child I was in the top 1% percentile. I was a childhood prodigy in a classical instrument as well. As a teen we moved back to my parents' country of origin where I was unfamiliar with the language. I convinced myself I was dumb for two purposes: (1) so that I can fit in with the local culture, and (2) so I can rationalize my bad grades. Though I had eventually worked myself up to the top of my class as a senior in highschool, the damage was done by then, and I had convinced myself that I am mediocre and thus chose to shut down my intellect for good. I was an extremely mediocre student in university, naturally failed to get a job out of school, and instead drifted around doing freelance work to pay the bills. I was asleep. Some time in my mid twenties I accidently rediscovered that I am gifted. It was through reading content produced in the language of my childhood. The critical thinking capacities I had shut down as a teen miraculously gained new life. I can now read academic papers and point out flaws in their arguments, purely from logical reasoning. Topics that would have been completely beyond my understanding are now cherished hobbies. At the moment I am struggling with the self-concept of being gifted. I had been pretending to be an idiot for so long that I don't know how to feel or act. I am still inclined to play the part of a helpless idiot girl, as per cultural expectations, but this probably has more to do with my lack of role models than something about me or society.
Other on 6/14/2020
I found this searching for meaning lol Thank you It’s generous to hear words like these from someone with so much wisdom and observation. I wish I knew myself as well apparently you do. I being sincere Thank you again It’s very helpful
Student on 5/30/2020
I'm just a kid, I know I'm smarter than most of my peers. I want to understand myself and appreciate being smarter than many. Hopefully I will be feel comfortable accepting that I am smart, thus I want to also research more topics and be able to share and also learn. There's so much I want to learn and think things more in depth, then find people like myself to talk and share the comfortableness of being smart.
Student on 5/23/2020
Thank you for this article. Reading the other comments helped me realize that alot of us struggle to function in this society on a daily basis..
Student on 5/21/2020
I have always tried not to sound like I am bragging whenever I try to say something educational or about intelligent stuff, that has made life harder for me. Whenever I try to give out my opinions I always put some of my experiences in life, like times where I solve problems faster than others. When I do so, some people reply back stuff like “I don’t believe you did that”. So I have always had the need to add things like “sorry if this sounds like I am bragging, please don’t hate me, If you don’t believe me just don’t mind me then.” I have always got higher scores from others in school sometimes having a perfect score or just 1-2 mistakes in tests, I have evidence I am not crazy. Whenever I tell people (like my parents) stuff that they have never heard of (even though I research about everything I talk about) they would always tell me I am insane or crazy, that would always trigger my levers and make me mad so I start to think negative things like “if you disagree with me make sure you even made your research about it” or “don’t go calling me insane for not knowing what I am talking about, even though you can research about it.” In times like these I start thinking lowly of others because they never have the same mindset as me, I start telling them “it is because you’re knowledge is stuck at one level and not progressing.” This might sound like I am overestimating myself (maybe I am) but sometimes I have an intention in saying those things, like I say those so that they can have the time to understand what I am saying or look it up not just to release my stress but to also give them a message, and most of the time those messages just don’t get to them so it outright sounds like I am just insulting them (I think that’s what they are thinking). Most of the people I am talking about here have never understood me so just have one idea, that I a man insane, these people aren’t kind too, just one mistake from me and they make fun of it or in an argue that they make it sound like I have been losing the whole time (even though it is just one mistake).
Educator on 5/21/2020
I’ve been trying to find the “other smart people” my entire life. I’ve looked in universities. Government labs. Private industry. Publicly trades companies. Across 6 continents. I’ve found only a few. Felt really arrogant. Until I tested 186. Now I’m just really really worried for humanity. I do own a telecom company. so that’s dope.
Student on 5/9/2020
I’ve been laying in my bed crying during this quarantine because I’m so stir crazy and people can’t understand why. I’m cranky and My head is full of tension. No matter who I talk to, there isn’t one person who gets why I’m so agitated. I can’t tell the. Why. I can’t say that it feels like I’m talking to impenetrable walls. And that I hate hiding my mind because of fear of being called crazy by the people closest to me. At 27, I am still a senior in undergrad who keeps adding minors to her degree because the more I “systematically” learn the better my mental atlas becomes. And school is out. Work is closed. Working with my autistic kids is a risk. I’ve been teaching myself economics because I’m bored and rarely sleeping. But people keep thinking its some form of “mania.” I’ve scored 90% higher than the average since my 1st grade standardized test. Exempt from entrance exams, and honors math student. And no one knows. Memories of my teachers cheering for me when I showed my potential. And to think my environment, culture, and circumstances have me here in a box, misunderstood, and valued by my physical appearance. I often feel my head will explode if I don’t use it for its purpose. So this is the first time I have ever referred to myself as an “outliers” because people already hate me. But this was cathartic to read. I only wish I was apart of affluence... so that I could possibly have lived to a fuller potential. But we are poor. So it’s been struggle and school. Thank you for this essay. Once I cried and thought, I continued to read and read my own thoughts. Thank you.
Other on 3/7/2020
My IQ is 160. When there is nothing you cannot learn and nothing that you cannot do, how do you decide on a profession and what to do with the rest of your life?
Other on 11/18/2018
Really great article on how to navigate the world when you are very gifted. It can be extremely problematic. Just being myself and sharing info, I've had so many people say that I make them feel stupid... and in reality that is their issue, not mine. Because I am doing nothing overtly to make them feel that way... I'm just being me, sharing what I know. I love the part learning to work with people who have power but are less intelligent... with a few pleasant exceptions, that was pretty much a common theme of my scientific career.... so learning how to do that is extremely important. Otherwise it can leave you extremely depressed when you are doing exceptional work but your non-scientist boss can not even appreciate it. Very difficult and it was a low point in my career. Also, I like the idea of approaching things from a systems perspective... I think it would be very valuable to develop that ability. I realize the Davidson Gifted program is for gifted young adults... and it is so needed. I really wish I had been exposed to these ideas in some sort of a seminar environment at that age. But I also want to mention that I left the workforce and now live in a community of largely retired folks... altho I'm still working as an artist. And I am finding it very difficult to meet intelligent people in this setting... after having a career where I always had some bright peers to converse and brainstorm with. It is a problem for people who leave the scientific work environment I am finding. So perhaps this may be another area of research interest. Thank you!
Parent on 10/30/2017
Looking for information for my daughter about gifted kids I found this amazing article, which it seems to describe me a lot. The title seems to me like huge umbrella of topics, but the content is just a mirror of myself. I have to thank you, cause I know now that I am not weird or crazy. Glad I am not along in this world. Just share this in facebook. I think that nobody should be along, its against human kind. This is just simplifying. Thanks again for every advice here. They actually really work. The reason of my research is because I am trying to find source of information directed to kids about science. I would like my daughter to read about the interesting medical field, biology, chemistry and other sciences. have no look yet. she have a high cognitive level for a seven years old and I would like to stimulate it more now that she is at school age. Could be magazine, videos, book, web, anything that is appropriate for her age. Any recommendation?
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