Finding Support for the Gifted Parenting Journey – Part 4: Moving Forward

Part 5 of the Davidson Institute series, “Finding Support for the Gifted Parenting Journey”

• Part 1: You’re Not Alone
• Part 2: Finding Clarity
• Part 3: Building Your Support Network
• Part 4: Moving Forward

My child needs more help (like a therapist), and they are refusing anything that they think looks like “help.” How can I get them on board? Is there anything else I can do to support them? 

There are things that you can do to get them on board, like understanding the “why” and modeling.

There are a lot of reasons that gifted kids struggle to ask for help. For one, gifted kids are bombarded with mixed messages. For example, has your child ever heard something like: “You’re gifted; you don’t need help. Stop asking questions.” “Stop asking so many questions; other people need a turn.” “That’s a really complex question; why don’t we listen to other people’s questions first?” “That’s too big a question to answer right now. Can you help your classmate instead? Maybe we’ll get to that later.”  “Oh! That’s a very mature question; I think you’re a bit young to be thinking about that.” All these messages imply that the gifted child’s needs and thoughts aren’t as important as other people’s needs and thoughts. They also imply that there isn’t anyone to help them, and, even if there was, they won’t help. If these messages are internalized, eventually the child will stop asking for help. Additionally, they may see themselves as a “helper” and not someone able or deserving to receive help. Or, they might have received help that is so utterly unhelpful that it makes them distrust help in the future.

There are a thousand permutations on this, but the main point is that gifted kids are bombarded with the idea that “real” gifted people don’t ever need help for any reason. It’s difficult for PG/2e children to go against that messaging. On top of that, teachers and adults are also receiving messages from society that teach them to believe that PG/2e children don’t need help, making it even more difficult for students to reach out.

To increase buy-in, a gifted child may need to know why they are doing something. So, in the case of therapy, many people choose to go to help them understand their emotions better, process life situations in a controlled environment, and have a safe place of non-judgement. In their Handbook for Counselors Serving Students with Gifts and Talents, go into detail about how to engage with a gifted client in the chapter, “More Is Different’: Understanding and Engaging the Exceptionally Gifted Child.” If you, the parent, are vetting a therapist for your child, some of their tips might be helpful:

• Set the counselor up to work with your student meaningfully. Even neurodiversity affirming therapists may not be well-versed in PG/2e profiles. Providing them a baseline of knowledge about the general characteristics of PG/2e children, as well as specifics about your child, can set them up to have more meaningful sessions with your child when the time comes.
• Skip the small talk. A therapist might have to prove to their PG/2e client that therapy is worth it. Gifted kids like proof and evidence, so (depending on your child), skip the pleasantries and get into the nitty-gritty about how they will benefit from a specific treatment. Give them the greater “why” behind what they are doing and how this particular therapeutic method works.
• Set goals for the outcomes. This is related to the previous point. Gifted kids value choice and autonomy in addition to evidence. Giving a PG/2e child the control to set their own goals can be a powerful method of increasing buy-in. Setting goals with them lets the PG/2e kid know that their therapist is listening, not judging them, and might actually be a knowledgeable and trustworthy confidant.

Doing things like spending quality time with your child and naming emotions non-judgmentally can help them to better understand what the therapy process might feel like if they did attend. Of course, a child’s relationship with their parent isn’t (and shouldn’t be!) the same as their potential relationship with a therapist, but they might be able to test out accessing that vulnerability with you.

Choice and autonomy are important to many PG/2e children. It’s important for them to feel in control of their environment. If your child is outright refusing help, forcing them into getting help likely won’t be successful. (To be clear: We aren’t talking about situations where your child is an immediate danger to themselves or others; that situation may call for more direct action.)

Instead, one of the things that you can do is model the process of going to therapy for them by going to therapy yourself! The process of modeling requires deep self-awareness, but it’s not about being perfect. Adults work through uncertainty too, right? One example of this could be modeling the process of vetting a therapist to your child. Depending on their age, this could look like making the initial appointment in the same room as them, so they know how long the phone call takes. Then, after the appointment at dinner, you could say something like, “I was hopeful about meeting this new therapist, but I just don’t really think we clicked because…” Over time, conversations like this might help your child to realize that going to a therapist and participating in the therapeutic process are normal, valid, and sometimes needed for health and well-being. Additionally, depending on your child, some therapeutic modalities that emphasize a group/family approach might benefit them if they are hesitant to go alone. It’s also worth mentioning that going to therapy yourself might give you some space to process the difficulty of your child’s refusal. Your therapist will be there to support you as you support your child.

Use This: The Davidson Institute compiled the Tester and Therapist map from suggestions made by families in the program over the years. To accompany the map, we have more resources that discuss finding a therapist and the therapeutic process in more detail. Please know that the Davidson Institute does not endorse any of these testers or therapists. We are merely providing this list of providers based on feedback we’ve received, so you can research and select the professional you are most comfortable working with.   

We hope that so far, we’ve outlined one way that you can think about your support system throughout your journey in this program. As we wrap up, let’s conclude with one final question that sort of “levels up” the conversation that we’ve been having.

We have a good support system. We’ve sought out the extra help that we needed. Now what? 

We’re so happy to hear that! There are things that you can do to keep things going well and otherwise revel in this time instead of worrying about the future.

First of all, it’s okay to take a break. If things are going well, then you really don’t need to stress out about things going better. It’s okay to look around and be grateful for the progress that you’ve made and the joys that are present in your life. Parenting is a long game, so taking time to enjoy some of it is necessary to avoid burnout.

One of the ways to assure yourself that things are indeed going well is to check in on your goals that we talked about at the beginning of this conversation. Have you been moving toward those goals? That’s cause for celebration! You deserve to celebrate yourself. If we’re constantly “improving things” without stopping to be grateful, then it’s easy to tip into criticism.

There’s power in continuing to be an advocate for your family. A key part of maintaining a collaborative and supportive network is letting them know what is going well. Taking some time to nurture these relationships and inject some gratitude and recognition can go a long way in keeping them strong long-term.

Try It Yourself: Reach out to your support network and share a recent win or moment of gratitude that you have about being in a family with gifted people.  

Next Steps 

To round out this discussion, here are a few more action steps to help you translate this information into your family life.

If you’re currently in the weeds of a situation in your family, take a beat to check in with yourself. It can be too easy to ignore basic needs when stress is high, so using a basic HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) check-in can help you to take stock of your needs in this moment. Take some time to take care of those needs, then do the same thing with your gifted student. That might look like:

• H – Get yourself a snack or meal. Get your student a preferred snack without asking them.
• A – Infuse humor into the moment to help lighten the mood. (See if you can phrase your angry feeling as a play on words, since many gifted students enjoy that kind of humor).
• L – Call someone who will listen to you and refrain from judgment. Reconnect with your student however you show that (give them a hug, sing a song together, play a game, read together, etc.).
• T – Resting can mean getting more daily sleep, but being tired can also signal to us that we need more restful activities that fill our energetic cup. Again, this could be something like gaming, art, reading, or something else that you enjoy. Giving your student some downtime to “let their hair down” can ease some tension in the moment.

Another step that you can take is to let yourself go down the rabbit hole a little bit. Now that we’ve answered some of your basic questions, you might have a lot of “what if’s” running through your head. Let yourself follow that to the end or imagine it in detail. That might sound something like:

What if my child never goes back to school?  Then they won’t be able to get a good job. They won’t gain the skills to be independent, and they will live in my basement. When they live in my basement, other people will judge my child for their choices and “wasted potential,” and they will judge me for not raising them right. My child will lose their passions and spend their time doing I-don’t-even-know what! 

But now here’s the second part of the action: Imagine the reverse of your “what if.” So much of the time, when we’re going down the rabbit hole or spiraling, we’re focusing on the negative outcomes or possibilities. Letting yourself imagine the reverse “what if” can help you to balance your perspective, see things that the original what if missed, and, most importantly, stay in the present moment:

What if my child never goes back to school? What if my child ends up living at home in my basement? Yeah, maybe that wouldn’t be the solution I’d hope for forever. But, if at 19 or 20 or 21, they are still figuring things out, would that really be the end of the world? Probably not. They could save up more money for their future, whatever that may be, really lean into more of their passions, and maybe build some other skills—like getting their driver’s license. I know that they really love reading and video games. Maybe they could get a part-time job at the local bookstore or run some video game tournaments at the local Boys & Girls Club. Hmmm… now that I’m thinking about it, I swear I saw a flyer at the coffee shop saying that the local senior center was looking for some people to come in and read or hang out with residents. Maybe that’s one way they could get out of the house and connect with others over a shared interest. I can’t believe how fast time is flying! Maybe it’s okay for them (and me!) to have some more time in a place where they feel safe to be their quirky, amazing self. 

The fear spiral can really narrow our ideas of what can be. When you lean into other possibilities, you open yourself to other opportunities and ways of doing things.

If you’ve gotten this far, you’re doing a lot. You’re doing all that you can. It’s clear that you are thoughtful and resourceful coming here. Our hope is that this discussion and the associated action steps can help you move forward wherever you are on your journey. It’s clear that you are focusing on your family’s needs, both day-to-day and long-term. By looking for resources to help you care for your family, you are doing some of the hard work of building a strong lineage of support and care for your gifted child to look to.

The Davidson Young Scholars Program Supports Families at Every Stage

Whether your family is seeking new support, celebrating progress, or preparing for future challenges, the journey continues to evolve. The Davidson Young Scholars Program offers ongoing resources, connections, and support to help families along the way.