The following article expands on highlights and insights from one of our Expert Series events, which are exclusive for Young Scholars and their parents.
Authored by: Sarah Strouthopoulos
Summary
The goal isn’t to help our children avoid mistakes. It’s to help them learn that making a mistake doesn’t mean that something is wrong with them.
When I was a ski racer, I was afraid of falling. I skied carefully because I wanted to get it right. Then I finally pushed myself, hooked a gate, and fell. My dad, who was also my coach, cheered and said, “You pushed yourself so hard that you fell. That’s how you get to the next level.”
That changed how I looked at falling. It wasn’t proof that I wasn’t good enough. It was part of learning.
For gifted children, perfectionism can be especially tricky. They may have a clear picture of what they want to accomplish, notice every detail that isn’t quite right, or feel deeply disappointed when their performance doesn’t match their expectations. Sometimes, what looks like procrastination, refusing to try, or not caring is actually a way to protect themselves from the possibility of getting something wrong.
As parents, it’s easy to focus on changing the behavior. But lasting change starts with understanding what’s underneath it. When we help our children feel understood, separate their worth from their performance, and learn to handle mistakes, we give them something much more valuable than perfect results.
We want our children to strive, take risks, and keep learning without feeling that every outcome says something about who they are.
A mistake is information, not identity.
Tips
1. Recognize the difference between striving and perfectionism.
Healthy striving asks, “How can I improve?”
Perfectionism asks, “What will people think if I get this wrong?”
Both can look like working hard, but the motivation underneath is different. Healthy striving leaves room for learning. Perfectionism makes mistakes feel threatening.
We want our children to care about doing well without believing they have to do everything perfectly to feel good about themselves.
2. Look beneath the behavior.
Perfectionism doesn’t always look like a child trying to get everything right. It can look like procrastinating, refusing to try, giving up, or saying, “I don’t care.”
Gifted children may have a very clear picture of what they want to do, but not yet have the skills to make it happen. They may feel things intensely or struggle when the result doesn’t match what they imagined.
Look for what’s underneath the behavior. Is your child afraid of getting it wrong? Embarrassed? Overwhelmed by where to start?
Instead of jumping straight to a solution, get curious. Understanding what’s happening is the first step toward helping.
3. Recognize the five disguises of perfectionism.
Perfectionism can show up in different ways:
- The Eraser: Keeps redoing work that isn’t quite right.
- The Only If I’ll Win Kid: Avoids trying unless success seems certain.
- The Later Kid: Puts things off because starting feels overwhelming.
- The 100% Kid: Can’t feel good about anything short of perfect.
- The Never Let Them See Kid: Hides mistakes or struggles so others won’t see them.
These are patterns to notice, not labels to give your child. A child who seems unmotivated may actually care so much about getting it right that trying feels too risky.
4. Connect before you teach.
When your child is upset about a mistake, a disappointing grade, or something that didn’t go as planned, it’s tempting to reassure them or explain why they shouldn’t feel that way.
Start with connection instead.
Try: “You really wanted that to work out differently. I can see how disappointed you are.”
You don’t have to agree with your child’s interpretation to acknowledge their feelings. And you don’t have to fix the problem right away.
When your child is calmer, you can help them think about what happened and what they might try next time.
5. Help your child be a beginner and get started.
Some gifted children know what good work looks like before they can produce it themselves. The gap between their vision and their current skills can be frustrating.
Rather than telling them to lower their expectations, try saying:
“You have a clear picture of what you want this to look like. You’re still learning how to make what you can picture. Let’s figure out the next step.”
If starting feels overwhelming, make the first step small. You might agree to work together for just ten minutes. The goal isn’t to finish everything right now. It’s to help your child experience that getting started is manageable.
6. Help your child prepare for what feels scary.
When your child is worried about making a mistake or trying something new, use a Fear Forecast to explore the possibilities together.
- Situation: What are you facing?
- Storm: What’s the worst thing you imagine could happen?
- Umbrella: What could you do if it did?
- Sunshine: What’s the best thing that could happen?
- Actual Forecast: What do you think is most likely to happen?
Don’t rush to tell your child that everything will be fine. Help them see that even if something goes wrong, they have ways to handle it.
7. Help your child see their own growth.
Perfectionism can make children focus on everything they haven’t done well enough. Help them notice the times they tried something difficult, asked for help, handled disappointment, or did something even though they were nervous.
Create a Brave List and complete the sentence:
“I am someone who…”
For example, “I am someone who tries even when I’m nervous” or “I am someone who can learn from mistakes.”
Be specific in the feedback you give, too. Instead of only saying, “You’re so smart,” tell your child what you noticed: “You tried a different strategy when the first one didn’t work.”
Help them see evidence of their own strengths, choices, and growth.
8. Make room for mistakes in your family.
Our children notice how we respond when things go wrong. If we criticize ourselves, hide our mistakes, or expect everything to be perfect, they may learn to do the same.
Try something new together, draw with your nondominant hand, or share a mistake at dinner and what you learned from it. Let your child see you handle frustration without turning it into a judgment about yourself.
The message isn’t that mistakes are always fun. It’s that mistakes are part of life, and we can learn to handle them.
When More Support May Be Needed
If your child regularly leaves work unfinished or unsubmitted, spends hours redoing things, avoids activities they care about, or experiences problems with sleep, eating, friendships, or self-worth, perfectionism may be affecting their well-being.
One Thing to Remember
You don’t have to use every strategy or get every response right. Start by regulating yourself, getting curious about what’s happening underneath your child’s behavior, and connecting before you teach. When your child is ready, help them find a next step and build skills they can use again.
The goal isn’t a child who never struggles. It’s a child who can struggle without losing sight of their own worth.
Resources
- Books: Letting Go of Perfect by Jill L. Adelson and Hope E. Wilson; The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown; Mindset by Carol S. Dweck.
- Research: Mueller and Dweck (1998), “Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children’s Motivation and Performance.”
- More support: Revisit the Fear Forecast, Brave List, and Feelings Wheel from our sessions.
Speaker Bio:
Sarah Strouthopoulos is an educator and family coach with more than 25 years of experience helping gifted, twice-exceptional, and highly sensitive children thrive. After teaching in schools across the U.S., Europe, and Asia, including serving as a gifted specialist in the United States, she founded Confident Kids Coaching International to help families bridge the gap between understanding giftedness and knowing what to do in everyday emotional moments. Sarah has worked with hundreds of families, helping them turn emotional intensity into confidence, calm, and connection. She is also the mom of a profoundly gifted teenager, bringing both professional expertise and lived experience to every presentation.
More Resources:
Guiding Gifted – A monthly newsletter from the Davidson Institute for those who work with or have a gifted or twice-exceptional child in their family.
Davidson Gifted Perspectives – A video series that examines several different gifted-related issues and viewpoints.
Permission Statement
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
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