Author: Webb, J.
Publisher: Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG)
It has been my experience that gifted and talented persons are more likely to experience a type of depression referred to as existential depression. Although an episode of existential depression may be precipitated in anyone by a major loss or the threat of a loss which highlights the transient nature of life, persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously. Sometimes this existential depression is tied into the positive disintegration experience referred to by Dabrowski (1996).
Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or “ultimate concerns”)–death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?
Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life. Other more specific characteristics of gifted children are important predisposers as well.
Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person’s life make?
When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others’ expectations. Often by even first grade, these youngsters, particularly the more highly gifted ones, feel isolated from their peers and perhaps from their families as they find that others are not prepared to discuss such weighty concerns.
When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality, these youngsters become particularly frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to develop all of the talents that many of these children have. Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no “ultimately right” choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations.
The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of anger. But they quickly discover that their anger is futile, for it is really directed at “fate” or at other matters which they are not able to control. Anger that is powerless evolves quickly into depression.
In such depression, gifted children typically try to find some sense of meaning, some anchor point which they can grasp to pull themselves out of the mire of “unfairness.” Often, though, the more they try to pull themselves out, the more they become acutely aware that their life is finite and brief, that they are alone and are only one very small organism in a quite large world, and that there is a frightening freedom regarding how one chooses to live one’s life. It is at this point that they question life’s meaning and ask, “Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?”
Such concerns are not too surprising in thoughtful adults who are going through mid-life crises. However, it is a matter of great concern when these existential questions are foremost in the mind of a twelve or fifteen year old. Such existential depressions deserve careful attention, since they can be precursors to suicide.
How can we help our bright youngsters cope with these questions? We cannot do much about the finiteness of our existence. However, we can help youngsters learn to feel that they are understood and not so alone and that there are ways to manage their freedom and their sense of isolation.
The isolation is helped to a degree by simply communicating to the youngster that someone else understands the issues that he/she is grappling with. Even though your experience is not exactly the same as mine, I feel far less alone if I know that you have had experiences that are reasonably similar. This is why relationships are so extremely important in the long-term adjustment of gifted children (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982).
A particular way of breaking through the sense of isolation is through touch. In the same way that infants need to be held and touched, so do persons who are experiencing existential aloneness. Touch seems to be a fundamental and instinctual aspect of existence, as evidenced by mother-infant bonding or “failure to thrive” syndrome. Often, I have “prescribed” daily hugs for a youngster suffering existential depression and have advised parents of reluctant teenagers to say, “I know that you may not want a hug, but I need a hug.” A hug, a touch on the arm, playful jostling, or even a “high five” can be very important to such a youngster, because it establishes at least some physical connection.
The issues and choices involved in managing one’s freedom are more intellectual, as opposed to the reassuring aspects of touch as a sensory solution to an emotional crisis. Gifted children who feel overwhelmed by the myriad choices of an unstructured world can find a great deal of comfort in studying and exploring alternate ways in which other people have structured their lives. Through reading about people who have chosen specific paths to greatness and fulfillment, these youngsters can begin to use bibliotherapy as a method of understanding that choices are merely forks in the road of life, each of which can lead them to their own sense of fulfillment and accomplishment (Halsted, 1994). We all need to build our own personal philosophy of beliefs and values which will form meaningful frameworks for our lives.
It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in “causes” (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to “belong.” Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way. In addition, these youngsters will need to understand that existential issues are not ones that can be dealt with only once, but rather ones that will need frequent revisiting and reconsideration.
In essence, then, we can help many persons with existential depressions if we can get them to realize that they are not so alone and if we can encourage them to adopt the message of hope written by the African-American poet, Langston Hughes:
Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.
Langston Hughes
References
Dabrowski, K. (1966). The Theory of Positive Disintegration. International Journal of Psychiatry, 2(2), 229-244.
Halsted, J. (1994). Some of My Best Friends Are Books: Guiding Gifted Readers from Pre-School through High School. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (Formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Webb, J. T., Meckstroth, E. A. and Tolan, S. S. (1982). Guiding the Gifted Child: A Practical Source for Parents and Teachers. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.
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Comments
William McAllister
My entire life has been spent with no one understanding me. I can remember in second grade when I started thinking about these kinds of things. I remember thinking about how my life had no meaning. My entire life has been spent with nobody understanding me, and all I've wanted my whole life is just somebody who finally understands and listens. This is why I felt I had to reply to you, because for the first time in my whole life I felt I had found someone who finally understood. I know you have felt it too, the feeling of wanting more than anything in the world for someone to finally understand, so that finally you won't be alone. I feel this so much and I am so tired of being alone and having no one. I would love it sometime if you guys Carmen or Max Gerber or Mark would be willing to talk sometime as I feel it would help both of us so that finally we wouldn't be alone and finally have someone who understands. I have struggled with this my whole life and just want someone who to talk to who knows what it is like. I know I have come into this article late but if any of you see this please respond even if it is just to say you would not like to talk.
Alister
You are far from alone in feeling this way. I'm in my early 30's and started having nighttime panic attacks as early as~4 or 5, and have been dealing with depression since my teens. I know how hard it is to find comfort when even a hug from your mom can't hide you from the movement of the universe. I'm so sorry you are also feeling the weight of this existence, but I hope that knowing others out here understand what you're going through brings some comfort. You are not alone on this journey. We are sharing this grief and pain with you.
For me at least, it seems to have gotten a little easier to carry as I've grown. I don't get as overwhelmed by the feelings as often, and have begun directing my efforts into deciding what I want my life to mean. I decided want to leave this world a little kinder than when I first entered it. How I spend the rest of my life is up to me, and I'm choosing to fill it with things and people and hobbies and memories that make me happy. Maybe life doesn't have a meaning on its own, but deciding for myself what purpose I want to strive for has helped me overcome most of my depressive thoughts. Nothing else about my living circumstances have changed, but it all feels more bearable now and I'm learning to look forward to the future, instead of trying to go back.
I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that it will be ok. Time doesn't seem to work that way, but the next best thing I can do is pass along that comfort to someone else who feels the same way I did at 14. You'll continue to make it through, and it will be alright ♥
Carmen
Carmen
I was deeply moved when I came across this article and equally moved when I read the comments. I feel very fortunate people of all ages are able to connect in some way in our shared experiences and pursuit of answers/relief. I never leave comments on anything, however, I felt compelled to do so today because of how large the role of existentialism is in my life and my lack of solutions. Simply, from a young age I have questioned everything and have been unable to fulfill the 4 basic principles of existence described in the article. I have tried everything - meditation, journaling, therapy, philosophy, exercise, nature, etc. Both my parents have PhDs and kind hearts but do not understand. The best way to describe my constant state is uneasy. Yes, I have fun and live to a certain extent (sometimes very intensely) but will always go back to an unsettled state of mind due to my confusion on my existence. Maybe I have a chemical deficiency in my brain? Whatever it is I feel very alone and unsure what to do with my life or how to find purpose. Thank you so much for reading this, sorry it was so long.
Alex
I'm 28 now, but I really relate to that feeling of being 15 and wrestling with questions that no one has satisfying answers to, feeling uneasy all the time, feeling as though existence itself was sort of a painful uncomfortable feeling, and feeling like no one else understands that or can sense it.
Your comment that you have tried everything reminds me of how powerless it felt, that there's no "fix". And I'm not going to promise a fairy tale ending where you solve existentialism. They call it the "human condition" for a reason.
But something that helped me was recognizing that in addition to that feeling, there's also an entire beautiful world I can engage in. I can stand for something in the ways I choose to act and speak. I can accept my pain, and take the next step to continue the journey. Maybe I don't know where I'm walking right now, and that's okay. But I can keep taking that next step.
For me, I find a lot of meaning in that determined defiance. The human spirit. The will. The courage to just. keep. going. And how that struggle connects me to everyone who has ever lived. Even you.
And along the way I have built skills and found ways to find meaning in more and more things. In the way light filters through trees, in being authentic with my own struggles and limitations, in the way I can make my friends laugh, in reading books with my family, in my work connecting with and helping other people.
One time in high school, I finished a rant about how life felt meaningless on a bus, and a senior I never spoke to turned around and said "It gets better." At risk of making you feel like I'm talking down to you, I want to say the same thing. It gets better.
If you keep going, if you keep letting go of what doesn't work, and keep trying new things that do, if you stay on the path and accept and feel and let the pain go, it gets better.
For me that path has included a lot of therapy, and a lot of long conversations and arguments, and a lot of writing and journaling and reading, and more recently some meditating. (I could give book recommendations if you want.) A lot of letting go of my resistance to change and doing the basic things that seem meaningless but are reality, like eating and sleeping and connecting with others and staying active. And a lot of crying. And the path has also included patience. My brain and my body and my circumstances did a lot of the changing on their own, and my task was to simply try to do what I could in the meantime. And I know now my life will continue to include many of those things. I'm still human after all.
Ultimately, I guess I want to say, I am really touched by what you said. It's hard. There are good moments and bad moments. But you're not the only one, and there is a beautiful life waiting to be built. Keep exploring. Notice what actions give you life. Ask yourself what you really actually need. What matters to you?
Sincerely,
Alex, a 28-year old who has felt, and sometimes still feels, that way too
Stephen LaRoche
Sabrina Hoeks
I am 34 yo and have just now began therapy for traumas that resulted in resurfacing this "existential" problem. As I have always kept these thoughts to myself due to negative reactions from others. I would find something to distract me and let life go on, only changing course if a tree fell in my path, or a better one magically opened.
However, I've never been an angry person, the trauma has caused this, and the 'useless anger' comment was also a hard hitting point, as my depression begins with these episodes.
I do want to say that God has filled the answer of 'purpose' in my life though. Truly knowing who Jesus is and what He has done for us. It took many years for me to grasp this unearthly amount of Love one can have, and that life here is not the end. There was a day I truly felt His love, His compassion, physically, and I knew in my hear and my gut that He was real. I could finally look back on my life and understand why He took me to certain places. Still He brings me awareness every day. the Bible was confusing at first, until reading the New Testament, and asking for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Churches tend to simplify and water down the Christian belief, which I believe is why so many 'gifted' people see it as a farce, and why so many others follow blindly nonsensical and hurtful teachings misconstrued by a well-spoken narcissist on a stage. My mother raised me to be confident in asking questions, and I am glad she did, as I too would have fallen for the lies about God from the other side. They made more sense until I asked enough questions, read the Bible myself, and found the Truth. I see the Bible as a kaleidoscope, always connected to one circle/design, but if you simplify it too much, and only trace it's outline, you miss the beauty of the perfectly formulated chaos and the connections it makes. You cannot take one line out without it collapsing the whole image.
But many other questions, specifically the unfairness and hypocrisy of those in leadership, and the blind following of their orders, way me down on a daily; not to mention the lack of transparency in communication between knowledgable adults, everyone assuming the other is not apt enough to understand.
Why does this exist and why do they not feel the need to do right by someone, treat people equally and not equitably.
Varshita Yadav
Reaching out for help. Please.
Annaka C
Now, what to do about it. That's the hardest part. Dąbrowski goes onto suggest that higher levels of developed folk try to express what the world could or should be through art and self study. So, unfortunately, you have more questions to ask yourself:
What is wrong with the World, really? What about the way people are being developed isn't working? What do I dislike about living/life/society? How would an ideal world for someone like me look like?
And then express the answers to these questions as art. 'Art' in this case is all-encompassing. It could be high levels of mathematical theory, physical artwork such as painting or writing, or even intense levels of playing sports. It's all in how you can use it. I obviously would not suggest a dancer with zero math background decide to express a better world through theorical physics, you know? So find whatever hobby you like most/hate least and develop it for artistic/expressive purposes.
The lifelong solution, or level five, is acceptance and harmony. Life may never look the way you want it, but you can accept having genuinely attempted to fix it and others(friends and potential lovers) will respond to that.
I hope you are still here to see this message. If so, I hope you have an easier day
Max Gerber
Max Gerber
Herbert A Perkins
Aoulin Doulin
The one thing I fear however, is the fact that sure, you might be talented in something, but there is always someone (or ai) who can do it faster and better than you. I know it sounds cliche and people will ignore this and say, "oh don't compare yourself to others." But if we don't, what is the point of doing anything if we are not the best? To simply be the better version of yourself than you were yesterday? That is absolute garbage. You only have around 80 years to live and no point of being such a great person then dying.
For a while my solution was to simply provide joy to others. But ultimately, this led to me absolutely tired and burnt out. I am now just tired of everyday grind and sleep is my only relief. Even then, I still consider sleep as a waste of time because we only have a short life to live.
After a few years of going through a storm, my final conclusion is that I am simply a slave to endorphins, a stupid chemical to the brain (very similar to the reward system of ai scarily). This world is broken, bad people will always exist and hurt others, and the only relief comes from sleep and video games.
The only hope I have is that I am still 15 and have ton of time to train in some kind of skill and perhaps earn enough money to indulge in endorphins (no drugs tho I dislike diminutive reward). Even now, this hope is dwindling as ai is coming out and all the skills I am learning are becoming obsolete :(
sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad
Callie
Anonymous
Kol Jiolep
Wow! And then I kept reading & the whole thing was great. 👏
Everybody’s doing great.
Dan Jay
I'm sorry if you've read this far and think there is a greater point here - there isn't. Thanks for reading and I hope you can find solace in the fact that if you're reading this comment, your mind is beyond brilliant and brimming with ideas - far too developed for the world to understand but dream on. It's hope which sings me awake each morning and I hope it does with you too.
Grace T
Alan Threatt
I seem to always know what to say, how to say it and what to do…… my journey has just begun and I am excited by each passing day as I continue through unfoldment. This is going to be an amazing year. Thank you for listening. I hope this lends inspiration to anyone lost in perpetual cycle of darkness.
Mark
Lady Riot
macks
Todd
Ironically, having someone identify it in me would not in itself have been a revelation. I fully knew that in all likelihood I suffered this because I looked deeper into the rabbit hole of existence but, having a another with credentials state this was common would have given one leg to stand on. Knowing that internally others suffered the same for the same reason would have left me feeling just that tiny bit less alone.
Funny thing is, 40 years later and I am still trying to find that one leg, that one person that can comprehend the Namaste
Eva Perak
stowe dinenberg
I have experienced extremely similar cycles in my own life where I find myself consumed by my the feeling of meaninglessness. It occurred during my freshman year of high school (so I was probably 14-15) where I felt extremely depressed and distant, totally consumed by noxious fumes of uselessness; wherefrom, I would emerge obsessed with some materialistic fantasy of wealth or luxury or fame -- just superficial nonsense. I'm 19 now and in University, and I can tell you that it will get better and that in life you will find things or subjects or (and most likely) people who will ground you. Reach out to those you know best and try to talk about these feelings, and if they do not listen, do not give up. Be persistent and seek out others who feel this same way, you will find others who feel this way, and I can tell you that once you do things will get better. Keep your head up, being any age from 13-19 really sucks, but it does get better and you will come out a stronger and more empathic person.
-Stowe D
haadyah
Going through an existential crisis is honestly making me depressed. These days, whenever I do a certain activity, I think to myself - "Why am I doing it? It doesn't matter in the end." I often find myself pondering about the meaning of life and what happens after. Is it pointless? Is it actually meaningful or have we just put meaning to it? What is the point of doing it all if one day we cease to exist, in a state of eternal nothingness? I don't know how to cope with these intrusive thoughts. I could be doing anything unrelated and suddenly, the thought of existentialism pops up in my mind.
Mohamed
Gina
People have all sorts of intrusive thoughts going through their minds, we just need to be able to be mindful of them when they chance to occur. The more you think about it, the more you're imprinting these thoughts into your mind and it may develop into a bad habit rewired into your brain. Exercising more positive thoughts will definitely make your well-being much happier.
I'm 15 as well, and the topic of existentialism was something I discovered through literature and the internet instead of something felt for myself. I think it would benefit you greatly to get into bibliotherapy, or maybe read something that will enrich your knowledge on these delicate topics, that is to say, philosophy.
If we are as worthless and as puny compared to the grandiosity and infinity of the universe as we think we are, all the more reason to believe that we should be present and consumed in this life that was given to us. If life is so empty and meaningless, then all the more reason to fill your life with great experiences. If life is worthless, then go live your life however you want. Because you're here, now, and and because there may be nothing to do on the other side, or because existence, even as harrowing or idle as it may be, is better than being nothing at all. And: why not? Why not live, if life is, as you say, so pointless anyway? Why should you concern yourself of something so far away from you when you are here and now, by pure coincidence and miracle in equal measure, and there is nothing to be expected of you and your existence other than to live in whatever way that satisfies you?
Ajay
vatsalay khobragade
Matt
rohini
Lindsey Jane Sinclair
haadyah
Tara James
Barbara Ramirez
Jennifer San Diego
The pandemic aggravated my health conditions, particularly the bones, nerves and muscles. I need a reinvention from my past design work lifestyle which demanded several sedentary seated hours. I may not be the High School basketball star whose bike accident crushed his dreams of going pro on court. If his passion led him to be a great sports commentator, I, too, continue to search for the bread and butter that can fill not just the stomachs but especially the mind, the heart and the soul. It's a real uphill climb in a poor but developing country, and much more now with the pandemic.
Praying to God who transcends this world helps me to acknowledge that He is bigger than anything we experience in this world. Having discovered this article on helping gifted children in their existential journey felt like a healing balm to address also my needs. As I take my own steps to therapy, I hope to help other parents as well.
Anonymous
Henry
One thing about me is, I am a Christian. One line in this article stuck out and it is what I tried to put into words, but couldn't. That even as close as we can get to people, we are in fact ultimately alone. The only thing that can be closer, is having The Holy Spirit dwelling inside of you. Having that personal relationship can fill that void. Even knowing and experiencing that, I still fall short, and fall back into that existential depression.
If anyone reads this article and feels the way I do, like the type of people in this article. You are not alone, but life is difficult to grasp. I can't guarantee you won't ever feel this depression, but know you aren't the only one. As they say misery loves company, and you're in good company.
Ajay
Aislyn
It was somehow very validating to read this and touch in again to the fact that I am not the only one out here with the odd juxtaposition of a high functioning brain and so much inner turmoil
Kristaps Muravjovs
The article resonated with me intensely - it's like a confirmation that this does happen to people and I'm not going insane, as so far whenever I mention this to anyone - you guessed it - puzzlement , hostility or distancing. This article speaks about gifted kids - I'm far from being a child - but even at this age, this is the first time I get a confirmation that my sadness and frustration for people acting like thoughtless, arrogant a**holes to each other, as well as for me lacking kindness and love directed, (selfish, I know, lol) towards me, as I am willing (needing even?) to give love to others, to life itself as it really is a miracle. God, this has turned into chaos, haha. Sorry if this only confuses you, it's a little hard to stick to being coherent with this topic.
Lastly though - I've thought about spirituality in this context too. I don't believe in god - I do believe there's a lot I/we don't know though. And it's starting to feel almost necessary to make myself believe in some form of religion as otherwise it's getting dangerously close to an existential crisis for me. Idk, writing this drained me a little, so I don't have the energy to revise it to be more coherent - it's cool though, no need to reply (obviously) if you don't feel like it.
Thank you for the comment though, it really feels like it helped a little.