The following article expands on highlights and insights from one of our Expert Series events, which are exclusive for Young Scholars and their parents.
Authored by: Sarah Strouthopoulos
Summary
The meltdown that seems to come out of nowhere. The worry that spirals in seconds. The child who can debate philosophy at the dinner table but cannot tell you why they are upset.
If you are raising a gifted child, you may have seen this disconnect firsthand. Your child can understand complicated ideas, make connections that surprise you, and have conversations that sound years beyond their age. And then, in the middle of a big feeling, they may not have the words to tell you what is happening inside.
That gap can be incredibly frustrating for both kids and parents.
This Expert Series session focused on helping families understand what is happening in those moments and, more importantly, what they can do about it.
We started with a simple distinction that can make a big difference: a thought is a sentence, and a feeling is a word. “I’m going to fail” is a thought. “Worried” is a feeling. When kids learn to separate the two, they have a better chance of understanding what is actually happening inside them rather than getting swept up in the story their brain is telling them.
We also looked at the difference between everyday stress and anxiety. Stress is the lifeguard responding to something real in the water. A test tomorrow. A recital tonight. It rises, does its job, and often passes when the situation is over. Anxiety is more like the alarm continuing to sound when the danger isn’t actually happening anymore, or sounding before anything is even in the water.
Anxiety doesn’t always look like worry. Sometimes it looks like anger. Sometimes avoidance. Sometimes perfectionism or physical complaints. That doesn’t mean every difficult behavior is anxiety. It means that when a reaction seems much bigger than what happened, it is worth looking underneath the behavior before deciding what it means.
We used a simple finger trap to think about difficult emotions. When you pull harder, the trap gets tighter. Feelings can work that way too. Trying to force a feeling away doesn’t always make it smaller. Sometimes the first step is simply noticing it and giving it a name.
Families practiced this using a Wheel of Emotions, identifying the feelings that might be underneath a worry or a big reaction. We also practiced adding “and that’s okay” to a worried thought. The goal isn’t to convince ourselves that everything is okay or that the worry is wrong. It is to remind ourselves that having the feeling is okay.
That distinction matters. We don’t have to eliminate fear before we can move forward. We can learn that a feeling can be uncomfortable without being dangerous, and that we can handle what is happening inside us.
That is where emotional regulation and confidence meet.
The goal isn’t a child who never worries, never gets angry, or never becomes overwhelmed. The goal is a child who isn’t afraid of their own feelings.
The goal isn’t less intensity. It’s intensity with words.
Tips
- Ask for the feeling underneath the thought.
When your child says, “I’m going to fail,” or “Nobody likes me,” try asking, “What are you feeling right now?” A thought can be the doorway to the feeling underneath it. - Don’t settle for “angry” if there might be more underneath.
Anger is sometimes the first word a child can find. There may also be worry, disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, hurt, or overwhelm. Try, “Is there another feeling under that one?” - Practice when your child is calm.
The middle of a meltdown is not the best time to teach emotional vocabulary. Use the Wheel of Emotions or simply talk about feelings during ordinary moments so your child has more words available when things get hard. - Don’t try to talk a child out of a feeling.
When a child is highly upset, logic may not be what they need first. Start with connection and regulation. There will be plenty of time for problem-solving once the intensity comes down. - Try “and that’s okay.”
When your child shares a worry, have them say the worry exactly as it is and then add “and that’s okay” to the end. For example: “I’m worried I’m going to mess up, and that’s okay.”The goal is not to make the worry go away or convince your child that everything will be fine. It is to help them understand that they may not be able to control whether a worried thought shows up, but they can learn to handle the feeling that comes with it.You are not saying the worry is true. You are not saying they will mess up. You are helping your child practice a different response: “This feeling is here, and I can handle it.”
- Look underneath behavior.
Before deciding that a child is being defiant, difficult, or dramatic, pause. Ask yourself, “What else could be happening here?” You may not know the answer immediately, and that’s okay. Curiosity is often a better starting point than judgment. - Let your child see you regulate yourself.
Kids learn a great deal from what we do. Try saying, “I’m really frustrated right now. I need a minute before I respond.” You are showing your child that having a big feeling does not mean you have to act on it. - Repair when you get it wrong.
You will lose your patience sometimes. So will I. What matters is what happens next. “I was really frustrated, and I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to. I’m sorry.” Repair teaches children that relationships can recover. - Redefine what confidence looks like.
Confidence isn’t never being scared. It isn’t always knowing what to do. Confidence grows when a child has a difficult experience and discovers, “I can handle this.” The goal isn’t to remove every worry before a child moves forward. - Know when to look for additional support.
Pay attention when worries persist week after week, don’t seem to be fading, lead to significant avoidance, or interfere with school, sleep, eating, friendships, or family life. Frequent physical complaints such as stomachaches or headaches can also be worth discussing with a professional. And if a child says anything about not wanting to be here or not wanting to be alive, take it seriously and seek professional support promptly.
Resources
Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart
A useful resource for expanding emotional vocabulary and understanding the differences between emotions and experiences that can sometimes feel very similar.
Wheel of Emotions
The emotion wheel used during the session can continue to be a simple, visual tool at home. Keep it somewhere your family can actually use it, rather than putting it away after the presentation.
The I-Message Framework: Helping Kids Work Through Conflict
A simple framework for helping children express how they feel, listen to one another, and work through everyday conflicts with less adult intervention. It can be especially helpful with sibling conflicts. Access the framework and details here.
A simple family practice:
For the next few nights, ask at dinner:
“What feelings did you catch in yourself today?”
Parents, go first. Give a real answer.
The goal isn’t one perfect conversation about emotions. It’s making it normal for your family to notice, name, and talk about what is happening inside.
Speaker Bio:
Sarah Strouthopoulos is an educator and family coach with more than 25 years of experience helping gifted, twice-exceptional, and highly sensitive children thrive. After teaching in schools across the U.S., Europe, and Asia, including serving as a gifted specialist in the United States, she founded Confident Kids Coaching International to help families bridge the gap between understanding giftedness and knowing what to do in everyday emotional moments. Sarah has worked with hundreds of families, helping them turn emotional intensity into confidence, calm, and connection. She is also the mom of a profoundly gifted teenager, bringing both professional expertise and lived experience to every presentation.
More Resources:
Guiding Gifted – A monthly newsletter from the Davidson Institute for those who work with or have a gifted or twice-exceptional child in their family.
Davidson Gifted Perspectives – A video series that examines several different gifted-related issues and viewpoints.
Permission Statement
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
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