The following article expands on highlights and insights from one of our Expert Series events, which are exclusive for Young Scholars and their parents.
Authored by: Debbie Reber, MA, Tilt Parenting
Summary
Raising a PG/2e child puts extraordinary pressure on a parenting partnership and most of that pressure goes unacknowledged. Parents are so focused on advocating for their child that the relationship between them may begin to erode. Unfortunately, by the time they notice, there’s often a significant backlog of unspoken resentment, misaligned roles, and a deep sense of isolation that neither partner fully understands.
One of the most common patterns in PG/2e families is asymmetry: one parent becomes the primary architect of the child’s support system — attending evaluations, building relationships with therapists, developing a nuanced understanding of what the child needs and why — while the other parent operates on the periphery, receiving information secondhand (a.k.a. the “download parent”). This creates a gap that, left unaddressed, breeds resentment on both sides. The more immersed parent feels unsupported and alone, while the less immersed parent feels excluded, incapable, and increasingly irrelevant to the family’s daily functioning.
What makes this dynamic particularly difficult is that it can create a self-reinforcing cycle. When one partner tries to step in and gets it wrong, the other partner corrects them, communicating the message (often without intending to) that they can’t be trusted. Then partner who was corrected pulls back, and so their next attempt goes worse.
One of the hardest situations to navigate is when one parent’s behavior is actively contributing to the child’s dysregulation, and the other parent doesn’t know how to address it without making things worse. Now there’s the stress of the child’s needs, the stress of the partnership being out of sync, and the added weight of watching something happen that feels harmful and not knowing how to intervene without creating more damage. In reality, the parent who is struggling to regulate alongside their child is almost never doing so out of indifference. They’re usually stuck themselves, without the tools, language, or sometimes even the awareness that their own nervous system is part of what’s escalating the situation. Addressing this effectively means resisting the urge to correct in the moment and instead creating space outside the hard moment to have an honest conversation about what’s actually happening and what support might look like.
Understanding this dynamic requires distinguishing between two separate relationships that exist within a partnership: the co-parenting relationship, which is operational and strategic, and the partner relationship, which is connective and relational. When these merge into one and every conversation starts to be about the child’s needs and nothing else, the partner relationship slowly starves, and the co-parenting relationship loses the goodwill it needs to function.
The path forward is to build durable alignment: a shared commitment to the same destination, even when you navigate the route differently. That requires honest communication about what each person is actually carrying, the willingness to get underneath surface disagreements to the underlying needs, and the courage to give your partner room to find their own footing.
Tips
- Name what’s actually happening. Unspoken resentment can compound. If you’ve been carrying something in silence (exhaustion, loneliness, or a growing sense that you’re doing this alone), say it. The unsaid thing is doing damage whether you say it or not.
- Distinguish your co-parenting relationship from your partner relationship. These are two different things that need different kinds of attention. The co-parenting relationship is operational (shared goals, logistics, alignment on approach) while the partner relationship is connective (being seen as a person, not just a parent). When all your shared energy goes into the parenting, the partner relationship starves. Tend to both, even imperfectly.
- Get underneath the surface disagreement. Most parenting arguments between partners aren’t really about the surface issue, they’re about underlying needs — the need to feel trusted, respected, seen, or not alone. Before escalating a disagreement, try asking yourself: what am I actually needing right now? And what do I think they might be needing?
- Stop correcting and start showing. If your partner learns differently than you do, handing them books or sharing podcast episodes or online classes may not help. So show them instead. Here’s what I’m doing in this moment, and here’s why. Invite them in rather than evaluating from the outside.
- Give your partner room to fail and recover. Every time you step in to rescue a situation your partner is handling, you send the message: you can’t do this, which may push them further away rather than bringing them in. Focus on actively managing your own anxiety while your partner finds their footing.
- Build a regular structure for the hard conversations. Establish a regular check-in — even 15 minutes a week — where you ask each other two questions: What’s feeling hard for you right now? and What do you need from me this week? Small, consistent conversations are where durable partnerships get built.
- Try structured turn-taking in bigger disagreements. When you’re in a real conflict, try this: one person speaks for a few minutes (what they’re feeling, what they need). The other person only listens, then reflects back what they heard. Does that person feel understood? If not, try again. Then switch.
- Get outside help if you need it. Sometimes it takes a neutral third party — parent coach, therapist, or couples counselor — to name the reality clearly enough that both people can finally hear it. Even a handful of sessions can create a significant turning point.
Resources
Debbie and Derin on Their Parenting Journey, Part 1 (Tilt Parenting Podcast)
Debbie and Derin on Their Parenting Journey, Part 2 (Tilt Parenting Podcast)
Ali Miller, Nonviolent Communication, & Navigating Co-Parenting Dynamics (Tilt Parenting Podcast)
Love and Asperger’s: Practical Strategies to Help Couples Understand Each Other & Strengthen Their Connection by Kate McNulty
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall Rosenberg
Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World by Debbie Reber
Speaker Bio:
Debbie Reber is a parenting activist, author, speaker, and the founder of Tilt Parenting, a resource for parents raising neurodivergent children. Since launching Tilt in 2016, Debbie has championed a strengths-based approach that reframes how society supports differently wired kids. Her groundbreaking book, Differently Wired, is widely recommended by education and mental health professionals, and her Full-Tilt Parenting Podcast has 9+ million download. A certified coach and Positive Discipline trainer, Debbie has been featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, and on NewsNation, and is a three-time TEDx speaker. Before founding Tilt, Debbie spent over 15 years creating content for children and teens. She holds an MA in Media Studies from the New School for Social Research. An American, Debbie lives with her husband Derin and two cats in the Netherlands, while her neurodivergent young adult (and former Young Scholar) attends university in Scotland.
Permission Statement
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
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