Tips for Parents: Understanding Equalizing in PDA (and what to do about it!)

The following article expands on highlights and insights from one of our Expert Series events, which are exclusive for Young Scholars and their parents. 

Authored by: Keri Schouten

Summary

Equalizing is a common behavioral mechanism used by individuals with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) (also known as a Persistent Drive for Autonomy) to regain safety, control, and equity when our nervous system perceives a threat to our ability to choose for ourselves. Because traditional social hierarchies and expectations can feel like a loss of control, a PDAer’s nervous system instinctively seeks to restore equilibrium by “pushing back” in some way. This behavior can manifest externally (for example, attacking other people or property, trying to take control of another person’s choices, or by issuing “impossible demands” with shifting goalposts).  The need to “push back” can also  manifest internally (ex. self harm or negative self talk, withdrawal, or seeking out danger) . Equalizing behavior may sometimes appear from the outside to be a choice rooted in defiance, but it is better to think of it as an involuntary nervous system response to a perceived lack of autonomy.

The best way to respond to equalizing is to shift away from a framework of behavioral compliance to one of relational equity, support, and nervous system accommodation. Forcing compliance or relying on traditional rewards and praise escalates the perceived threat. Instead, we can model what it looks like to honor our own needs while also recognizing and eliminating our own equalizing behaviors, reflecting back the child’s perspective consistently, and using playful, indirect communication to restore an authentic sense of safety and connection.

Tips

1. Shift to Low-Demand, High-Autonomy Communication
   Replace direct commands with declarative language, useful information, and prioritize allowing everyone to choose for themselves.  If the goal is yours, lean in to helping and making it easy.
   Example: Instead of saying, “Put your shoes on right now, it’s time to go” say, “Your shoes are by the door, if you still want to come with me”, or if you need them to come with you, “I brought your shoes so you don’t have to stop playing your game.  You can keep playing it while you walk to the car if you like.”
2. Verbally Reflect and Ping Back Their Perspective, Even When You’re Focused on Yours
   Consistently validate what is true for them all the time, not just in times of conflict.  Prioritize building a baseline of relational safety and trust.
   Example: “You’re having a lot of fun digging in the dirt. I know you want to finish the castle before we go, so I wanted to give you a heads up that we have about X minutes left”
3. Proactively Lower Yourself into a “One-Down” Position
   Playfully pretending to be confused, forgetful, surprised, or upset, but be clear you are pretending so they are “in on the joke.” This naturally restores felt equity.
   Example: “Oh no, I completely forgot how this game works. What were the rules again? I think we should play by whatever rules you say instead of what is written on the board, they’re so confusing <wink wink>”
4. Lean Into Playful “Power Games”
   Use shared humor, exaggerated shock, or playful outrage so they can safely experience a sense of control where everyone is in on the joke.
   Example: (child playfully hides mom’s hat, mom pretends not to notice) “Wait, where did my hat go? It was RIGHT HERE and it disappeared!” (mom looks away, pretends to be oblivious to the fact they put it back) “WHAT, is there a magician in the house?  It just appeared out of nowhere!”
5. Frame Choices Around Non-Hierarchical Equity and Consent
   Everyone’s autonomy and consent matter equally, and we can lean in to the idea that we all choose for ourselves.
   Example: “Oh, I won’t let you decide what food I get to eat. That’s something that I decide for me and you decide for you.”
6. Recognize and Adapt to Shifting Capacity (“The Rubber Band”)
   Acknowledge that an overstretched nervous system has less tolerance, and the toll can be cumulative. When capacity drops, actively drop non-essential demands.  If a child tells you they can’t, work hard to believe them and provide support, rather than pushing them to “do the thing.”
7. Avoid Using Praise or Rewards as Levers of Control
   Direct praise can feel hierarchical and threatening, sometimes driving a PDAer to destroy their own work to re-establish control. Shift to neutral feedback.
   Example: Instead of saying, “Good job, you are the best artist!” drop the judgment and lean in to noticing what is true for the child, or the impact on you: “you worked so hard on that” or “the colors over here kind of remind me of a sunset. It makes me want to go to the beach.” Or instead of “good job helping”, try “thank you, that was so helpful to me.”

Resources

PDA North America has many low cost resources and trainings.

https://pdanorthamerica.org/

Speaker Bio:

Keri Schouten is late diagnosed AuDhD and self diagnosed PDA (Autistic + ADHD with a PDA profile), and the parent of 2e (neurodivergent + gifted) young adults, ages 18 and 21. Before having kids, she taught high school and college for 7 years and earned a master’s degree in English, before shifting her focus to early childhood education. Much of her ECE experience centered around Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy, treating young children with respect and dignity. She later became a stay-at-home mom (by far the hardest job she has ever had!) and spent years building collaborative skills within her family.

After discovering she is AuDhD in 2021, Keri realized neurodivergent parenting, specifically PDA, had been her focus all along. She became a PDA-specific parent coach in 2024 after working at a private neuroaffirming therapeutic school. Collaborative approaches – Gordon’s PET, Rosenberg’s NVC, Gerber’s RIE, and Ross Greene’s CPS – have been her personal hyperfocus for 20+ years.

More Resources:

Guiding Gifted – A monthly newsletter from the Davidson Institute for those who work with or have a gifted or twice-exceptional child in their family.

Davidson Gifted Perspectives – A video series that examines several different gifted-related issues and viewpoints.

Permission Statement

This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.