The following article expands on highlights and insights from one of our Expert Series events, which are exclusive for Young Scholars and their parents.
Authored by:
Dr. Shirley Vazquez, M.A., M.Div., Ed.D.
Summary
Children can often appear to manage beautifully throughout the school day and then come home and fall apart. Parents may see tears, arguing, withdrawal, refusal, irritability, or even extreme silliness and wonder, “If my child can hold it together everywhere else, why not at home?” Understanding what may be happening beneath the behavior can help parents respond differently.
For gifted children, this can be especially important because asynchronous development may create a mismatch between what a child seems capable of intellectually and the emotional or executive function skills they have available in the moment. A child may sound mature beyond their years while still having age appropriate needs for support with emotional regulation, flexibility, impulse control, and transitions.
Transitions also ask much more of the brain than simply moving from one activity to another. The brain must stop what it is doing, shift attention, regulate emotions, remember what comes next, and begin again. Throughout a demanding day, children are repeatedly using these skills while also paying attention, filtering distractions, navigating social interactions, managing sensory input, following expectations, and regulating their emotions. Over time, those demands can deplete their available resources.
Restraint collapse can occur when a child who has worked hard to manage those demands throughout the day finally reaches a place where they can release some of that accumulated tension. For many children, that place is home.
When parents begin to view behavior as communication, the question can shift from “How do I stop this behavior?” to “What might this behavior be telling me?” This does not mean excusing inappropriate behavior. Instead, it allows parents to understand what may be happening underneath it, support regulation first, and then return to problem solving, boundaries, and skill building when the child is ready.
Tips
- Look beneath the behavior. Ask what your child’s behavior may be communicating before deciding how to respond.
- Prepare for transitions. Use advance notice, countdowns, routines, timers, and limited choices to help your child’s brain shift from one activity to another.
- Create an after school reset. Allow time for food, water, movement, quiet, or another preferred way to decompress before adding questions and demands.
- Regulate before you reason. When emotions are high, focus first on helping your child regulate and reconnect. Problem solving and teaching can come later.
- Remember to P.A.U.S.E. Pause, Ask, Understand, Support, and Engage when behavior gets big.
Resources
Dragon Touch Digital Calendar
A visual family calendar that can help children see what is coming next, prepare for transitions, and build more predictable daily routines.
https://dragontouch.com/
Skylight Calendar
A digital family calendar that can help families organize schedules, routines, responsibilities, and upcoming activities in a visual and accessible way.
https://skylightcalendar.org/
You’ve Got This with Dr. Shirls Podcast
A podcast for kids and teens featuring short, encouraging episodes designed to help them strengthen executive function skills, handle challenging moments, and build confidence for school, friendships, and everyday life.
https://drshirlsinfo.podbean.com/
Speaker Bio:
Dr. Shirley “Dr. Shirls” Vazquez is a nationally recognized executive function coach, speaker, and educator with more than 25 years of experience helping children, adolescents, and adults thrive. Holding advanced degrees in leadership, counseling, and education, she specializes in executive functioning, gifted education, confidence, and personal development. Through her warm and practical approach, Dr. Shirls equips parents, educators, and students with strategies that foster resilience, self-awareness, and lifelong success. Her engaging presentations blend neuroscience, executive functioning, and real-world application to help families better understand the “why” behind behavior and build stronger, more connected relationships.
More Resources:
Guiding Gifted – A monthly newsletter from the Davidson Institute for those who work with or have a gifted or twice-exceptional child in their family.
Davidson Gifted Perspectives – A video series that examines several different gifted-related issues and viewpoints.
Permission Statement
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
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