The following article expands on highlights and insights from one of our Expert Series events, which are exclusive for Young Scholars and their parents.
Authored by: Debbie Reber, MA, Tilt Parenting
Summary
Parents in the Tilt community tell me this all the time: they’re doing everything for their differently wired child and still feel like they’re dropping the ball on the relationship between their kids.
It makes sense. Most parenting advice focuses on the parent-child relationship. One parent, one child, one dynamic to navigate. But the sibling relationship gets far less attention. And in PG/2e families, that relationship carries extra weight.
Things like wide asynchrony, mixed neurotypes, intensity mismatches, and the reality that one child’s needs often dominate family life all create real complexity between siblings that generic sibling advice doesn’t account for. The child who seems to be managing fine may be getting far less than they need. The child whose behavior is most visible may have a long list of legitimate grievances that have never been aired. And parents who are already maxed out often struggle to muster the bandwidth to tend to what’s happening between their kids.
One of the most important shifts a family can make is moving from an equality mindset to an equity mindset. Equality says everyone gets the same thing. Equity says everyone gets what they need. In mixed-neurotype households, those are very different things. Building a family culture around that distinction can change how every child understands their needs and experiences in the family.
Another dynamic that can be present in the sibling dynamic is what’s known as the ‘glass sibling’ — the child who is present but not fully seen.” In families where one child’s needs dominate, another child can learn to manage around that reality, internalizing that their own needs don’t matter as much or that they have to be the easy one. Recognizing this dynamic and responding with intentional connection and consistent, protected time that belongs specifically to that child can make a meaningful difference.
One of the hardest in-the-moment situations for mixed neurotypical families is the dysregulation spillover: when one child is in crisis and their sibling’s nervous system gets pulled into it, too. When this happens, the priority is co-regulating the dysregulated child first — that has to come before anything else. But once the dust settles, the sibling deserves attention too. A simple “that was a lot to be around…how are you doing?” goes a long way. It acknowledges that their experience in that moment was real, and it keeps that experience from going underground as resentment. Having a plan in place — a space the sibling can go, something they can do — so they don’t feel abandoned during crisis moments is one of the most practical things parents can put in place proactively.
Ultimately, the sibling relationship is one of the longest relationships most people will ever have. What happens now — the repair, the conflict, the moments of real connection — lays groundwork that extends decades into the future. You don’t have to do this perfectly. You just have to stay curious, keep showing up for each child individually, and keep building the conditions where a real, resilient relationship has room to grow.
Tips
- Let go of the goal of eliminating conflict. Every expert on sibling dynamics says the same thing: the goal is not a conflict-free household. The goal is helping your kids learn how to navigate conflict. The sibling relationship is where children first practice the skills — negotiation, repair, perspective-taking, flexibility — that will serve them in every relationship they have for the rest of their lives.
- Build your family culture around equity, not equality. Equity means every child gets what they actually need, and in mixed-neurotype households, those needs can look very different from child to child. When talking to your kids about why things look different, lead with the uniqueness frame: their sibling’s brain works differently, and certain things help them.
- Start with acknowledgment, not explanation. When a child protests that things aren’t fair, or says they don’t get enough of your attention, the instinct is to explain. To justify. To remind them why things are the way they are. But as parent educator Julie King points out, what a child is almost always saying underneath that protest is simply: I miss you. I want more of you. The response to that is not explanation — it’s connection. Acknowledge the feeling first. Every time. Solutions and context can come later.
- Focus on positive interactions, not conflict reduction. Research on sibling relationships shows that the long-term quality of the bond is determined less by how much they fought and more by how much positive connection they had. Look for opportunities for your kids to have genuinely enjoyable interactions with each other, in whatever form fits those two specific kids. A shared show. A game they both find funny. Those positive experiences are the account that conflict makes withdrawals from. Keep finding ways to fill it.
- Help siblings understand each other across neurological difference. Knowledge is connective tissue in mixed-neurotype families. When a sibling understands why their brother or sister experiences the world differently, it shifts the dynamic from personal to neurological.
- Stop the comparison — internal and external. Comparison is one of the most corrosive forces in sibling relationships, and it harms both the child who “fails to measure up” and the child who is held up as the standard. Catch yourself when you drift into comparative language and redirect to addressing each child on their own terms. And prepare your kids for the external comparisons that will come from teachers, relatives, and others. Give them internal language: People compare. It’s not about me.
- Be the coach, not the referee. When siblings can’t resolve a conflict themselves, the instinct is to step in and make it stop. Sometimes that’s the right call. But when you have the bandwidth, the more valuable intervention is helping your kids learn to resolve it — slowing the moment down, helping each child name what they actually need, and asking what could work for both of them. This is slow work. It doesn’t always land the first time. But over years, it builds something essential: kids who know how to be in relationship with someone they disagree with.
- 8. Model repair as a family value. In families under sustained stress, ruptures happen. What matters is not whether those things happen, but what your family does afterward. When you come back after a hard moment and say “I was overwhelmed and I spoke more harshly than I meant. I’m sorry,” you teach your children that relationships can survive hard moments, that love doesn’t require perfection, and that coming back is what connection actually looks like. That lesson will serve them in every relationship they have, starting with the one they have with each other.
Resources
Julie King on Sibling Dynamics (Tilt Parenting Podcast)
Dr. Laura Markham on Peacefully Parenting Neurodivergent Siblings (Tilt Parenting Podcast)
Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life by Dr. Laura Markham
How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Speaker Bio:
Debbie Reber is a parenting activist, author, speaker, and the founder of Tilt Parenting, a resource for parents raising neurodivergent children. Since launching Tilt in 2016, Debbie has championed a strengths-based approach that reframes how society supports differently wired kids. Her groundbreaking book, Differently Wired, is widely recommended by education and mental health professionals, and her Full-Tilt Parenting Podcast has 9+ million download. A certified coach and Positive Discipline trainer, Debbie has been featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, and on NewsNation, and is a three-time TEDx speaker. Before founding Tilt, Debbie spent over 15 years creating content for children and teens. She holds an MA in Media Studies from the New School for Social Research. An American, Debbie lives with her husband Derin and two cats in the Netherlands, while her neurodivergent young adult (and former Young Scholar) attends university in Scotland.
Permission Statement
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
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