Part 3 of the Davidson Institute series, “How do We Find Good Information?”
- Part 1: Why Finding Good Information Feels So Hard
- Part 2: Where are you already getting information and what’s your goal?
- Part 3: Making Sense of Conflicting Information and Trusting Your Role as a Parent
- Part 4: Accepting Uncertainty and Learning How to Evaluate Information
- Part 5: Finding Support, Setting Boundaries, and Moving Forward
How do I make sense of conflicting information that’s out there?
Look inward. Then look outward. Then balance those perspectives in a way that feels meaningful to yourself and your family.
Often, it seems like parenting advice is just blame and shame wearing a trench coat. There’s the blaming and shaming of you, the parent, that pushes narratives that you “aren’t doing enough” or that failing your children is inevitable, no matter how hard you try. But there’s also parenting advice that’s riddled with blame and shame for children who are new to the world and still trying to grow. They are just figuring out how to be a person! You are still figuring out how to be a parent!
Looking inward means looking at your personal and family values to ground yourself. It means seeking to understand and stand by the child in front of you, loving and affirming who they are.
Looking outward means gathering information from multiple sources. Look for patterns or commonalities that emerge as you encounter different perspectives. Give yourself permission to not know everything at once, to learn overtime, and adjust your approach along the way.
As you balance those perspectives, remember: As your child’s first advocate, you are equipped to sort through advice given to you and apply things that fit your child specifically. You know your child best.
One of the things that you can ask yourself before applying anything is, “Does this advice try to change my action, someone else’s action, or my child’s response?” This is an important question because it helps us illuminate our sphere of control. You can’t control anyone other than yourself. That includes your child—which we know is very hard to accept; you probably can concretely imagine how if X, Y, and Z were magically different that would be so much easier, faster, simpler, and better.
We know that there’s a bunch of messaging out there about changing a child’s response to something. A lot of this so-called advice is often in attempt to make them “less emotional” or “more normal.” PG/2e children are outside of the norm, period. Their brains process information differently than neurotypical individuals, often through the emotional center of their brain first. And, they are also children who are still learning how to interpret the messages that their body gives them.
Advocating for your child to live in the world as their authentic self is going to mean that sometimes you will have to push back on advice that wants to change them or force them to mask.
Try This: A lot of times the internal conflicts we feel are really misaligned expectations. In other words, we “should” ourselves: I should do this. My child should act like this. I should feel this. My child should stop feeling that.
But also, deep down, we know that we would if we could. Ross Greene always says, “Kids do well when they can.” The same goes for parents. We do well when we can.
What story are you currently telling yourself about the situation at hand? How much influence are other people’s voices having? How do you dial down that noise so that you can more clearly listen to your parent instinct and so that you can more clearly see the child in front of you? There are a few exercises that help.
Writer Anne Lamontt has an exercise where she imagines all the naysayers, critics, and haters as people yelling in her head. One-by-one she drops them into a mason jar. And then she screws on the lid, slowly turning down the noise (and then she smashes the jar, but you can just choose to suffocate them instead).
Another technique that others use is writing out all those expectations, shoulds, and outside demands on individual strips of paper and then burning them one-by-one.
The result of both these exercises is the same: Cleansing the mental feed so that you can start to reframe and gain more control over the narratives in your head.
After this mental cleanse, take a break. Fill back up that mental feed with the voice that really matters: Your child. Do something for them without expectations. Maybe they are a hugger. Hug them. Maybe you’ve been keeping a special snack in the back of the pantry for a special occasion; break it out now. Maybe you just take a walk to the park and listen to their joyous rant about Minecraft.
Will there be an answer for everything?
No. Although, we know everyone wishes that there was an easy answer.
Once you get into this PG/2e space, you might feel like you want to get a PhD to be able to understand your child. And there are parents in this community who have. (And many thanks to them as they continue to expand the PG/2e professional network and pool of available resources!) But, no amount of research can replace the day-to-day learning that comes from simply being with your child, observing their needs, and tuning into their experiences. You won’t be able to hit “pause” on parenting, but you may find that every moment, every interaction holds its own lessons, helping you understand your child in ways that no textbook can teach. The answers are unfolding in real time, through your connection, and that’s where the deepest understanding lies.
Sometimes, the answer that you get to a parenting question is uncomfortable. Often answers involving trial and error can be frightening because they acknowledge that no one knows how the future is going to turn out. The benefit of taking a trial-and-error approach that aligns with your values is that you’ll be grounded (in these values) when you’re faced with the unknown. Sure, you don’t know if your kid will wind up successful, but how is your family defining success? Can you make a definition that sets everyone up for success and acknowledges their strengths?
Try This: Give yourself permission to imagine a parenting ideal, an answer for everything. Spend some time thinking about all of the ways that your life would be different if that ideal were true. What would that answer give you? Get specific, focus on the nitty gritty for a moment.
Now, take one small piece of that imagined ideal, and take 10 minutes to move towards that. If your ideal is more time with your kid, have a snack together. Watch a funny video together and have a laugh. Do one action (that takes 10 minutes or less) that moves you toward your own ideal answer.
Whatever action you take isn’t going to make everything perfect forever. But even your small actions can help you lean into your personal and family values to create a meaningful life in the face of uncertainty.
Permission Statement
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
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